What did I do wrong? (OKCupid Fail)

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Joined: 14 Mar 2012
Age: 48
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Location: South East Texas

19 Jun 2012, 2:42 pm

Well, let's face it, not all messages are created alike. If all I get is something along the lines of, "S'up?" I don't answer. If it's in text speak, I don't answer. My profiles tend to be long-winded, and well thought out, so I expect the person at the other end to at least write a sentence (which I even mention in several of my profiles to see if they've read).

Also, there is trend (in this region anyway), for most of the guys to be overweight and list their hobbies as things like fishing, mudding, etc. I specify you'd better be in pretty good shape (because I was in two relationships with men that let themselves go and resented me for being thin due to genetics), and share some of my hobbies. So I normally put the guys that don't fit my stated criteria into the desperate and/or willingly illiterate category, and therefore, don't respond.

In the OP's case, I can understand being shy about sending messages first. I don't do so that often myself, but I would suggest at least a few profile details, because it conveys you're serious about the search, gives them something to work from beyond just the commonality of being on the spectrum, and hopefully conveys that you're not some random psycho.

poppyfields
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19 Jun 2012, 2:47 pm

I wouldn't respond to someone with a blank profile regardless of their neurological standing. That says to me the person probably isn't interested in anything really. So I don't think he was rude or anything. I wouldn't like the power differential - you can see all this stuff about me but all I know about you is that you have AS.

again_with_this
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19 Jun 2012, 7:39 pm

poppyfields wrote:

I wanted to revisit this post and say that I hope I wasn't overly harsh before.

This essentially sums up what I'm saying. All the notes and best intention in the world won't make up for this power differential wherein you can see another person's details, but provide nothing for them in return on your profile page. Well said poppyfields.

nick007
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19 Jun 2012, 8:20 pm

ShadesOfMe wrote:

It's that I sent him two messages. If someone sent me more than one message, I'd respond.

Lots of guys especially Aspie 1s are not used to woman messaging them & getting more than one from someone with a pretty blank profile looks suspicious; lots of scammers/spammers on dating sites out there. Also he may of thought you were clingy or needy because you sent him a 2nd message isntead of giving him more time to respond.

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Zinnel
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19 Jun 2012, 9:07 pm

blue_bean wrote:

Also, who with good intentions would send messages to someone with a blank profile? It's as if the guys messaging her were just taking desperate potshots in the dark.
If I had a blank profile and received a message from someone I wouldn't reply either, as I'd know he's just interested in ANYTHING WITH ANYBODY and not me. What's there to get interested in? My profile is blank. Personally I find it creepy when a guy does that to girls who joined 5 minutes ago and haven't even had a chance to fill in the basic info in their profiles.

Thats not completely true, most guys i know including myself will only send a message to a girl with a blank profile if they have noticeable match percentage scores. Because then we're just curious. Often the message I send goes something like this "Hey I noticed your profile, and though you seem active you don't have much on it. So out of curiosity I thought we could chat and get to know each other." and usualy I then ask a question based on what little information she has on her profile. And then 9 times out of 10 they don't respond....

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Zinnel
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19 Jun 2012, 9:24 pm

ShadesOfMe wrote:

May 23, I contacted a guy on okcupid. I normally don't, and I usually don't respond to people. I'm more curious than anything. Anyway, This guy was actually in my area, and had Asperger's and was a 97% match with me! I was excited and explained that I was sorry my profile is empty (because I am shy) but I was excited he was on the spectrum because I am too.

No response. Day before yesterday I read more of his profile, found out his answers matched mine an insane amount. I recontacted him and said "let me try again." our match had gone up to 99% due to my answering questions, or him answering questions, or maybe even both. I even filled out a bit of my profile, explaining I have AS, because I thought maybe he was scared of the blank profile.

Today I log on. His profile has been deleted.

What did I do wrong?? Why couldn't he have had the decency to at least send me a "Thank you but no thank you." note?

Was it my fault?

I'm utter fail when it comes to dating. I haven't met anyone I've liked since I ended my first and last relationship last January.

Was this my fault? Okcupid is scary, and I just would like to find someone nice to go on dates with. I don't even care about the gender!

First thing is I'd like to congratulate on you stepping out of your comfort zone, Second things is that more than likely you will rarely get a response from people you message and theres too many reasons to count as to why so don't think its your fault. Finally the only way to better your chances so that the next time you message someone they are more likely to reply is to fill in those empty spaces in your profile.

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minervx
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19 Jun 2012, 9:49 pm

ShadesOfMe wrote:

People don't assign much importance to match percentage. While 97% is very good, it is not a serious matching system, since most of the questions are agreeable.

Him deleting his profile could have been for multiple reasons, so don't take it personally.

Also, writing a good description for your profile is recommended.

curlyfry
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21 Jun 2012, 9:01 am

People disable delete all the time. I did that for about a year. I also ruined things because I messaged too much without waiting for a response, wrote long messages, or was too personal at the start.

spongy
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21 Jun 2012, 11:05 am

As a rule of thumb dont send two messages in a row unless the other person and you have been messaging for a while and there was this important thing that you forgot to mention.

I have this male friend I talk to. He is a great guy and we chat at nights on fb. At some point I go to sleep(he is some sort of night owl) and he keeps sending me messages.
Waking up to three/four messages in a row from him is a bit unsettling if we were on a dating site and I didnt know that he was a great guy we´d have probably lost touch already.

You sent him a message explaining your situation and he wasnt interested in replying. Sending a second message to someone that knows that you made a huge effort to send a messaged and ignored it was your only mistake imo.

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