Confidence

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It generates delusions, which is the same thing as optimism.

Pessimism is seeing the world how it is, Optimism is seeing the world as you want it to be. Therefore, optimists are being willfully ignorant in order to be happy.

Pessimism isn't seeing the world as it is, it is seeing everything with a negative tint. Pessimists tend to see the world as negative whether it is or not. Seeing the world as it is is Realism.

Wear stilts.

It's hard to say what shows confidence, but body language can.

Here are some of the things I've been thinking about:

When I first saw my supervisor, I noticed something slightly different about his body language. He has a background in sales, so it makes sense that he's worked on the proper posture and body language, because being able to project confidence is important for a salesperson.

So I looked up his body language and was surprised to learn that he was using textbook confident body language. Confidence and dominance are a bit confusing to me, in terms of body language--and they often overlap when I read about it.

Here are some of the things he does to exude confidence without even saying anything:

He tilts his head back and raises his eyebrows often, while maintaining eye contact. This is a sign of dominance and is often seen in people giving orders, in fact, I do this to my son, unconsciously, when he's disobeying. Note that my supervisor doesn't give orders or have hostile facial expressions--so this just exudes confidence without seeming hostile or arrogant (the same body language can seem arrogant and probably shouldn't be, IMO, coupled with folded arms or any kind of scowl or grimace.)

He makes eye contact often, and he positions his body to face the person he is addressing.

Then, he sits upright, and the tilting of the head back naturally puffs out his chest and shoulders a bit--another confident look (without being too peacockish.)

He holds his body in a relaxed open manner.

Often, men will also sit with their legs more open, this projects some kind of alpha male quality. Women, if you notice, will often close or cross their legs. It's actually funny to watch for on a bus--you'll have a guy with his legs all spread apart, and a woman sitting next to him closed up like a clam.

Taking more space (both with the puffed out chest and with the open legs) exudes a type of dominance or confidence.

So---I think it's important to work on your own self confidence and self esteem, but I also think that in a dating situation, when you are nervous, you can try one or two body language cues to sort of fake it. It's not really the appearance that matters in the long run, but it can help during initial contact, IMO.

Being confident when you're talking, well that's different. Overall, I don't know how to be confident inside, in many situations. I can talk to strangers fine, but if I think I'm ever going to have to talk to a person again then I get totally anxious and it's really hard to be confident.

And it's not just women who find this outlook very unappealing! Negativity is a very unattractive trait! People want to have a good time with you - to laugh, enjoy life and just feel happy. If you can't provide that, you won't garner much interest.

Dominance shows that you can give orders and make all the decisions and belittle others.

Then they should give me a reason to be happy and enjoy life. I'm not going to just wander around like a blithering idiot pretending to be having a good time when I'm not.

Optimists don't become willingfully ignorant. They just live happily with what they have rather than being a pessimist and feeling like life isn't worth living because all is hell.

You're bang on! There's apparently a step above that taught to people who really need to command authority - like police, firefighters, etc.

Still... this can only go so far if you don't have the self-confidence behind it. If you know in your heart you're "worth it" - others will too.


Easier said than done, of course.... but I'm getting there!

Life IS hell, and Life ISN'T worth living 90% of the time. Deluding yourself into believing otherwise is the same as being willfully ignorant.

Deep down you know I'm right, and one day all your optimism will come crashing down on top of you in the form of crippling depression which you will then be forced to take medication to 'treat'. If everyone simply had realistic expectations of life, the world would be a much better place.

If everyone just convinces themselves to be happy with what exists around them, nothing ever changes for the better.

In Optimism land, the people say, Nah, we don't need to fix that bridge.. just be happy we have a bridge.. Meanwhile another chunk of concrete just fell off the bridge.

In the Realistic world, enough people get pissed off about those chunks of concrete falling off the bridge to make some one fix it.

Actually I'm neither optimistic or pessimistic.
I go with what I believe to be true. Such as you are self-defeating.

Last edited by PastFixations on 21 Jun 2012, 1:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think you're bang on, BlueMax

Last edited by deltafunction on 21 Jun 2012, 1:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

What you believe to be true isn't the same as what is actually true.

Beliefs /= facts.

Pfft... Still, I'm happier with beliefs than what you are with facts.

I suggest you seek help before that becomes a psychosis.

Exactly.

And most of our beliefs about ourselves are subjective and not fact at all.

Like, I'm a loser/successful, worthless/valuable, pretty/ugly, fat/fit...etc.

None of these beliefs are fact.

I mean, even the fat/fit one. Compared to the young Terminator, you might be fat. Compared to a morbidly obese person who can't get out of bed at all--then you might be relatively fit.

(edit: and I know I used the young Terminator and someone who is physically disabled from their weight as two extremes, but those are just subjective examples--the point is that we choose our criteria to base our beliefs--it's not some "fact." I don't want to say that someone who is disabled by their weight should be thought of as "fat"--because that title suggests that's part of who they are, and they could just as easily be thin with the right medication etc. But seeing one's self as the thing one is trying to avoid being is self defeating.)

If thinking you're fit is going to get you out of the house to do some exercise, and thinking you're fat is going to keep you home to avoid ridicule, then thinking your fit is the more logical choice if you want to change your situation.

It's a lot like the water being half empty/half full.

If you hate water, and you're like "awwww! If I have to drink another glass of this stuff I'm going puke!" Then viewing the water glass half empty might motivate you to finish it and get on with your life.