out of sight out of mind?

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I've got to give it to you for acknowledging that me may not be that into you. I think that keeps you grounded. With that said, I don't think you've got anything to worry about because it sounds like he really is into you! I wish you the best. You're on the right track.

Hi everyone, i'm overwhelmed by the responses and very grateful.

Thanks bernerbrau,
This does help. He feels like he is failing by hurting me, versus knowing that responsibility for actions falls on BOTH parties. Ending the relationship does not fix anything for anyone. No-one benefits in that there is nothing learned and no growth, but the immediate pain stops - albeit temporarily.



This was not a direct response to my question as it did not factor in any history or details, nor did it address the Aspie traits to which i was referring. But of course, this is always a possibility. There is an NT book of the same name that does not describe navigating Aspie relationships. However, it was helpful to throw the comment into the mix as a potential factor, as further illustration of the way it feels to an NT and the challenges that brings to an NT/Aspie pairing.




Night Shade thanks so much for long and detailed message. I have done a lot of reading, own Attwood and intend to continue. Your post gave me hope, as it seems that you are doing a great job in navigating the issues that come up with you and your boyfriend. I will read and re-read your post and check out some of the other books. The above quote struck me, as this si what caused the last issue we had: too much expectation on my part. Thanks for planting that one in my brain



Peter - yes, that makes sense. With a strong photographic memory (which i also possess) i can see that timeline is somewhat irrelevant. So, if a week feels like a day or vice versa, why would there be urgency? Its as if everything is happening at the same time, so no need to worry about time passing - and just assuming that the other person feels/processes the same way.
Of course, my frustration lies in that i do explain that time doesn't work like that for me, but it doesn't change.
I know, I know, why would it?! (why doesn't green look like blue?) LOL

Re "normal" couple - depends. Some people move in together within a year, some maintain distance for years. Everyone is different, true enough. Aside of the extremes i think that couples typically spend 1 or 2 days/nights a week together if not more. The key difference is that they will communicate inbetween: Make plans; explain schedule changes; connect via social media or text or phone. They will keep each other up to date and current in each others lives, even if physically distant.



Yes, this has occurred to me too. I'm hoping when we talk to bring this up.




Yes, no doubt this is true, and its what I need to understand better. Thanks.



Yes, he has planning issues, so this makes total sense. Of course, some people like to plan and some don't, ASD or NT. Again its the lack of communicating that kills me. An NT would be able to say "I have this and that going on and i need to reschedule". Although i grasp the concept that planning ahead is super hard, not having schedule changes shared is what is hard. not being included i guess you would say.

Of course, reading and editing all these emails and finding the core of the matter is enabling me to understand what goes on for him, why it goes on for him, but understanding the how - from my perspective - is the key issue. I will be taking all this wonderful insight away with me and absorbing it as best i can and wrapping my head around the "how" part and seeing how i can slot that into the way i'm wired so that it makes sense.
I like a good project (':D')



Yes



Exactly! Love the plant analogy! Though i've tried the "clearly calmly explaining" part - he did actually improve for a while, but i failed to keep my end of the bargain and remember how hard that effort is for him



Exactly...can manage elsewhere, hence the paranoia on my end.



Ah...am having one of those 'is it the same guy?" moments ha ha ha LOL




Think I am already the special interest...but then he's mine too But i hear you: overload, and sometimes I will be the thing that gets lost in the process. Makes sense....



Aw, thanks. Well i might have blown it this time but i hope not. And yeah, he might think its not worth it, and then i will have to sadly move on.

The killer is that in some ways i am ready to move on, but only because of the communication problems and the distance it creates (relationship death). The sad thing is he is not open to talking about ASD at all and its barely been broached. So he seems to think that things should be easier between us "just like that"
So regards to putting in the effort, its almost like I'm damned if i do, damned if i don't.

Watch this space.....

Thanks everyone!! !!

Hmmm... To be honest though, a lot of us would rather not open up about ourselves when they have a form of disorder or disability etc.
That's mainly because we dislike discussing it because of how we find life difficult and it's to some demoralising.
Most of us have to "recharge our batteries" for the next day because it is literally draining as some like to put up a facade/scapecoat to see through the day. In fact the only time that isn't happening is when we are doing something we like such as playing a game.

Bingo. After I quite unwillingly broke it off with my guy all those years ago, we both lapsed into near-suicidal depression (unbeknownst to one another, until we talked two years later - and promptly misunderstood each other AGAIN). We still loved each other deeply, and there was no reason it needed to end. Hence, the reason we keep drifting back to each other. There is pain whether we are together or apart, and our feelings vacillate as to which is worse. Maybe there is an endpoint, but I can't imagine what that would be, other than death. Consider whether it might be like that with you two also. Could you really, truly let each other go?

Paranoia: I used to have that. Not so much anymore. By now, I am totally secure about his feelings for me, and vice versa, and it sounds like you two have that too. But the tangible structure of the relationship has always felt ambiguous to me - to the point that not being in a relationship with him doesn't feel much different from being in a relationship with him. Mainly, he's just less reliable about responding, and we don't get to affirm and express those feelings physically. Yet, when we do talk, we talk a LOT more than we did then.

So I never described whatever was going back then as "a relationship." We had a very intense phase as lovers, but later I felt like I was having a relationship with air. Like I'd reach out for it, but my hand found only empty space. Now, I actively fight that sense (not always successfully), and instead focus on feeling the air molecules, the substance, rather than the void. Not to sound fruity, but sometimes I perceive it with senses I can't describe - senses I used to fight. It's very much there - and in fact feels more real than a decade of being married to an NT who I (erroneously, delusionally) thought was my best friend.

I've actually strayed into reading textbooks and scientific journal articles about sensation and perception. Turns out there are, like, 17 senses, not 5. Given the objectively measurable differences in sensory perception between ASD and NT, it's an interesting subject to explore, and it's expanded the way I think about things.

So, I have every reason to believe that "things will go somewhere," but I'm questioning what that even means, and how important that is to me. He's so unpredictable, I have no idea what he's going to do, or when, so I don't spend much time worrying about it. So I wouldn't say I feel paranoid, so much as just confused and adrift. It is dawning on me that the ambiguity is as much my fault, because I've never required or asked for much structure. But then, I can't do anything that might make him feel pressured either! How can I be pushy, without being pushy? As you say, sometimes I feel like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I guess all I can do is just keep going, until a compelling reason to change directions comes along.


OMG, LOL! If we find out it's the same dude, I suggest we dump him, and go be Thelma & Louise or something!


Consider this. To the best of my knowledge, my guy has never heard of AS. I had a light-bulb moment 3 years ago, and, in spurts, I've been soaking up all I can ever since. I haven't yet had a suitable chance to mention it, but I intend to when the right opportunity presents itself. (First I needed help figuring out an approach, plus I was advised that, if I wait too long, he may mistrust me for "hiding" it, when I have NO such intention.)

However he reacts, I NEVER want it to be the centerpiece of conversation, or of the relationship. He's the same guy he was before I'd ever heard of AS. When I talk with him now, I feel like I've found the cipher to decrypt his words (YAY!! !), but I still approach him as I did then - as a human being with strengths and awesomeness and limitations and flaws. Like I would with any guy. Feeling "normal" has been critically important to him his whole life. So back then, I went along with a lot of pretty bizarre stuff I didn't understand, because it made him happy (and, oddly, made me happy too). Now, I have more knowledge and wisdom, and realize that he needs guidance sometimes. But he outshines me in so many other ways, I NEVER want him to feel like he's somehow deficient or inadequate, because he isn't. Knowing about AS helps me, and I think it would be helpful for him too, and for our communications. But if he's not interested, I see no need to press the matter. I still have my knowledge, and so do you.

Sorry I'm such a windbag. I hope something in here is useful to you!

Super quick response cos am at my job:

I figured out he was on the spectrum due to a family member and research I had already done. The only reason ive tried to bring it up with him is because Atwood insists that for an NT/ASD relationship to work, it has to be acknowledged that the condition exists, so that both parties understand what they are working with.

Right, and I don't necessarily disagree with him. But I also think that every individual and every relationship is unique. More than that, you're there, and Atwood isn't. I just think it's worth asking: is it really, truly imperative in your situation? If it's ruining an otherwise decent relationship . . . maybe not - or at least not right now.

Well, regarding:

Well, part of it is like, yes, it could be his job, but part of it is, there's a set limit of like...things he can do. So, the thing is like, let's say he's gotta again, go to the store. Going to the store might be a "big thing" to him, if I tell a normal person I gotta go to the store, they'll be like "Yeah so?" The things I find hard aren't the things other people find hard (conversely the things I find easy other people find hard much of the time, heh.) So yeah, it doesn't make a lot of sense to go tell other people the reason when the reason would sound silly to 99% of everyone. The other thing too is, throughout life, you're told not to make excuses, try harder, toughen up, etc, so if he shows you his weaknesses, ie, trouble with things like that, what's to say you won't just say those same cliched things back?

There are times, for example, I'm anxious about driving, driving takes an incredible amount of mental energy for me. But I do it anyway. But there'll be times where, I'll wanna go somewhere, but I won't be up to the driving it'll take to get there. I know I'll be too flustered, I'll get lost, etc. It's hard to explain why to people, as most people don't have as many problems driving as I do, and it'd be like "Really? What a p****." They won't understand it, so it's not worth explaining. Weirdly, too, I actually enjoy driving recreationally through backroads and whatnot, and work on cars as a hobby. So it makes zero sense to people that I suck at driving.

Offtopic a bit, part of the reason I avoid relationships is partially for this reason. I don't like exposing my weaknesses to others, and you're seeing your boyfriend's now. Mind you, you're trying to be understanding, and that's nice, but I'm sure he'd rather his issues just not exist, and I'm sure it's not something he likes thinking about constantly, and even though you're trying to be understanding, it's still not fun to be reminded of your problems.

Oh well, good luck.

I can't tell if you mean this figuratively or literally...

^ Literally but in a good way.

Not sure exactly you mean - the special interest bit?
What i meant was literal, but partially a joke - him being my special interest. He has certainly made me his, we obsess about each other. I can be obsessive too and have questioned if i am on the spectrum too somewhat, as i check many of the boxes, so i was kinda making a joke about that.

The 2nd bit i was referring to your "too many thoughts coming in at once to process" i.e. (that he is overloading in general) and that I'm the one that gets "forgotten" sometimes in the process. When we do see each other, its usually not for extended periods due to work schedules, but its pretty intense over say a couple of days.
Then he has to focus on work and the disappearing act happens.

Does that clarify things?

Or he might be happy with the existing relationship if it meets his relationship needs, and because he's happy he might be assuming that you are as well. He might simply not have any idea that your relationship needs are not being met, and if so then he certainly wouldn't understand what you need from a relationship without you actually telling him.

Just hang in there girl. Let us know how it to to goes. If you decide this isn't what you want, that's okay too. I think a lot of NT's feel that simply because the person they are with has AS (or may have AS) they must make it work. Not everyone has what it takes to sustain an AS/NT relationship. I think it should be treated as any relationship. Do you want to put in the work? Are you getting your needs met?Are they getting their needs met? If the answer is no, then move on. No one is going to judge you for it. But if you can honestly answer yes, then it's worth fighting for.

I just love your sense of reality. I really hope it works out for you. It ain't over til it's over and it ain't over yet!

So did I. As nice as it would be if that were true, it's isn't.


Nope, not in today's disposable, ME ME ME culture. More likely you'll be judged if you keep the faith and stick with it, even if your goal is just to show him that not everyone breaks their promises.

We met, it didn't go great.

He said the last few weeks of us not talking had created emotional distance for him (or words to that effect). The fact that I stated that every time he goes away and leaves me in the same situation didn't seem to matter to him.

I'm traveling and we will talk when I get back.
Its (logically) all we could do in his eyes, and I had no (logical) reason to disagree.

The fact that until the fall-out he was going to come and visit me on my trip didn't matter either, apparently. He can't "get back" to that point, even though I have to every time he travels/cuts me out of his life.
Its like 2 sets of rules: one for him, and one for me.

Of course there are more/deeper issues.

Naturally I am in pieces and trying to hold it together to get out of here.



He did call me this morning to say that having seen me in person its harder for him to figure out what to do or words to that effect. So, my Out Of Sight Out Of Mind statement that addressed this thread topic seems relevant after all.

After neither of us has seen the other for weeks while i'm away I can't see what will remain. I'm already sad, resentful and prepared to move on. What else could I be? I've worked so hard to stay emotionally connected on his many trips away for 2 weeks+ over the last few months, sent emails, texts, funny links only to have little in return.
And now he gets to choose to ditch me for the same circumstances?
How can I not be sad and bitter?

You have every right to your feelings. Take some time to process what's going on. I know all about devastation. You have to acknowledge what is happening, give yourself time to grieve and like you said, prepare to move on, knowing you did everything you could. I still stick by my statement. How can anyone judge you when you've done everything in your power and it didn't work out? You could have left a long time ago but you didn't.

Thanks.

Hopefully I will have started to move on when i get back.
Its just going to make coming back so much harder.

Of course, its not over til its over. We won't be able to help but see each other from time to time regardless. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.