Darwin1123 wrote:
Hey everyone
So I just have an experience I would like to share, am looking for a bit of advice. I recently started dating someone who has Aspergers (Im NT though the fact that the two major relationships in my life have been with someone on the spectrum leads me to question to what degree). Fascinated mostly by the fact that I'm quite intelligent (I study biophysics, and science is my greatest passion) he felt he could relate to me. For a few days he texted me day and night and we had four "dates" the first week we started seeing each other, all initiated by him. Over the course of a month he introduced me to his friends and invited me to events with his family. After that month of seeing each other I brought up that I wanted a commitment proportional to physical intimacy, and wanted to introduce him to my friends. He completely closed off, mostly ignoring me for three weeks. I tried asking him if he wanted to stop seeing me but he assured me he liked me, because I liked math and physics. I tried reaching out to him but the same unresponsive behavior continued so assuming he no longer liked me I broke up with him over facebook chat (he likes electronic communication over personal, I wasn't being cruel). A conversation I had hoped would provide closure for me turned into three hours of us not understanding what the other one really wanted, after he asked me to "explain" why I was doing this. He said again he liked me but was "bad with people" and that "he was unsure about how to go about dating me because he was out of his emotional depth". I told him he had set a precedent with the constant interaction and meeting his family but he said he didn't understand why that meant he wanted a relationship. He referred to me as beautiful but said he wanted me as a friend, just as someone who he could talk about science with. I didn't understand why he wanted me as a friend if we couldn't also have the romantic element that we once had (we had much better sexual physical chemistry than verbal, verbal was almost non existent when not through online social media). I thought he was just saying he wanted to be friends for the sake of being nice. I ended the conversation defensively by saying I didn't wish to have any continued interaction with him.
I believe I've hurt him by saying I don't want to see him anymore, and would like try and reach out to him again, but I know neither of us is going to change what we want and am afraid of hurting/confusing him and myself further. I would never expect him to change. Basically I have this little metaphor going, about how dating/(being friends with?) him would be like dating Batman. On the one hand I know that he would always need privacy and alone time and wouldn't really share his feelings but on the other hand I don't want to not date/be friends with Batman, because he's super unique and awesome and can talk about multiverse theory with me. And wouldn't want him to stop being Batman for me because that's what makes him so special. He's one of the only people I feel I can really relate to and, knowing the he feels the same, I'm not entirely willing to him go. I'm just a little emotionally demanding and inquisitive so logically we don't work.
So, my question is, do you guys think should I bother reaching out to him? Or do you think it would be best for the both of us if Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne just left each other alone?
It's possible that he feels it's just moving too fast, or that he's either asexual or even repulsed by sex. Therefore, your suggestion of being more intimate with him frightens and confuses him. He might just not know how to proceed, so rather than lose you entirely, he said he wants to just be friends in an attempt to make it clear to you that he's not ready for that intimacy. Apparently it didn't work out the way he hoped. Of course, this is all just my speculation. Only he can give you the answer.
Have you tried, or considered trying, to ask him the questions you're asking us, and explain them to him in the exact same way? Maybe you could just link him to this page, although the fact that you put it here might bother him too... Explain to him thoroughly how much you like him and don't want him to change. Be willing to move at his pace. You may never have a romantic relationship with him. He might not even be capable of having one, or he might be extremely frightened by the thought of one. You'll have to ease him, very slowly, into an intimate romantic relationship, if one with him is possible at all.
10 Jul 2012, 7:42 pm
You should listen to your own heart instead.
