My girlfriend was forced to make a choice: me or her family.

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I understand her position. You are in China and you should know by now that:

1-Chinese culture values wealth and face (social position) above anything.

2-She comes from what can be called a higher medium income family (I would even call her wealthy compared to the standard of living of most Chinese).

3-Her father has a firm say in who she will marry.

4-Social connections > Who you are.

With these in mind you need to count up your assets, education and job prospects and literally present yourself to the father as someone who will enhance the family image/wealth. You could greatly improve your chances by getting the support of people who are higher than her father in the pecking order.

There's also another card you can play: If you're a US citizen or Resident you do have the bargaining chip of a greencard for the girl (and in the future, for the family). Believe it or not that is hard currency in China.

I doubt its a racial issue. I assure you that if you were a millionaire white man the father would be pushing her to marry you and have children ASAP.

I hope the OP hangs this above his bed. It is the truth in China and also Korea.

Considering the family is wealthy, and wealthy single women are in short supply, Dad will use this to "marry up". If the OP was some Russian billionaire, Dad would be making wedding plans NOW. Wouldn't matter if he was zebra stripped.

Also remember if the family knows you have Aspergers, kiss of death. No Chinese wants that marrying into the family. I live in Expatland, and the Chinese nationals will do everything under the sun to not have a male child diagnosed with a disability or mental illness.

The US residency thing is sort of a meh for the wealthier Chinese. If OP was Russian, with connections to the former satellite countries and could maybe start a business over there, that trumps US citizenship.

This issues is much more cultural than flat out racism. Little comfort, I know.

I feel sullen and despondent today because my girlfriend's father forced her to make a choice: break up with me and still have good tidings with her family, or continue in her relationship leading to her family disowning her. She informed me of this today and her decision, which was to let me go. I will give you background first.

I arrived in China in April 2011 full of energy and vigor. I had no thoughts or desire to meet women, only to experience what this culture entailed and travel. I met Shanshan in October - she's a TA at our school - and we became quite compatible with each other quickly in ways I've never experienced with another person before. We went out to eat, watched movies together, traveled together, I helped her with her English while she helped me with my Chinese, read, slept and laughed together. She even went with me to the hospital every day for 2 weeks when I had to receive my daily IV's while I had pneumonia. She was the perfect person, the perfect companion, the perfect woman.

Things weren't always rosy between us. We had difficulty working together during intensives because our school placed kids in our class who were way to young for the certain level of English they were supposed to learn; this led to lots of stress between us. My roommate has also inflicted damage into our relationship when he tried to get her to help him date Shanshan's friend Jiera. Also, he likes Shanshan and he has touched her belly in their class; he's a womanizer.

However, Shanshan and I love each other in ways I never thought possible. I have AS and it is extremely difficult for me to connect emotionally with others, to have great chemistry with others. Shanshan accepted that and worked to improve our chemistry. Before I met her, I truly thought it was impossible for me to not just sustain, but lay the cornerstone for a relationship. I thought I was asexual before I met her. After not dating anyone for 11 years, I truly felt she was the one person who cared for me no matter who or what I was. I envisioned sharing the rest of my life with her and she did too.

She told me not to long after we began dating that her father was unabatedly against us dating because I am not Chinese. In China and many other parts of Asia, it is important for the parents of an individual to accept their choice in partners regardless of how old that person may be. Shanshan is 20 years old, old enough to make her own decisions and choices in life. However, her family like many Chinese families have expectations of their life after they finish college. Once women graduate from their university, parents oftentimes place a high degree of importance upon the choice of a husband since they are expected to live such as a typical Chinese woman does. They are expected to have a house, a child, a car, a job and a husband to sustain the family's namesake and place in society.

Initially, her father was the only one in her family against us dating. However, as time has passed it seems that her entire family is against us dating. Her father is seen as a leader of their community and family since he owns 2 tire factories in her hometown, and has also built a temple there for his family. Therefore, he holds an immaculate amount of sway over his family. Somehow he convinced his family that since I am not a Chinese man, I am not good for Shanshan. Shanshan told me that it doesn't matter how good of a person I am, what my job is, how I treat others and so on, I am not Chinese. Since I am not Chinese, he cannot support us being together. I wrote him letters twice. I've met her brother who liked me but still............

Shanshan was crying as she told me this. She told me that we can still date but because of her family situation, but she doesn't think there is a future. She told me she doesn't think she can marry me in the future, and that's the only reason. We've been talking about marriage for awhile now. I told her that I cannot date someone if I don't feel I can share my life with them in the future. I wasn't thinking marriage when we first met or the first few months but after awhile I felt that I wanted to be with her for the remainder of my life. It wouldn't be fair to her nor to me.

I don't know what to make of the entire situation. I love her with my heart and soul and I know she loves me too. I cannot get angry at her for choosing her family since that's her blood. Family and traditions means much more in eastern Asian countries than they do back home. I don't know what I would do if I were in her situation. I just wish they would give me a chance, get to know me first before placating me. I have a good job, take care of myself, am an all-around good human being who just happens to love one of their family members. If she loves me too and does the same, why isn't that good enough? Why can't they just let her choose since we make each other happy? She said herself that if I was Chinese she wouldn't have left me and I know that's true.

We decided to remain good friends. We will still go out on Saturday nights, still travel together like we did today, still do everything we did in the past except be intimate. I am thankful for that. The thought of her not in my life is heartbreaking. I have never felt this way about another person before, not even my 2 close friends in Wisconsin.

Has anyone else been in a situation similar to this before? How did you deal with it? How long did it take you to get over the empty feelings inside? I have a feeling this will linger for several days, if not weeks.



Chris