The fine line between friends and more-than-friends

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So as it turned out, when she said she wanted to meet on Saturday before campaign, I thought she said "Let's (she and I) meet an hour early (before everyone else shows up) to discuss things (issues with relationship)," but what she really meant was "Let's (the entire party including she and I) meet an hour early (before everyone USUALLY shows up) and discuss things (how the hell we're gonna keep doing campaign with everyone's schedules going haywire the next month)."

However, it did seem like she was happy to see me, even though she told me her day kind of sucked.

As it was, I found a heartfelt card she had given me for Valentine's Day last year when I was ransacking my room for my Neverwinter Nights install discs. It talked about how she thought I was amazing because even though sometimes life sucked for me, I always perservered and never gave up. So I took it with me and showed it to her when we had a moment alone, and told her that it had reminded me of how I was when we first met and started dating, and that I was going to try and live up to the words she wrote for me. She smiled and told me "thank you", and I think that smile came from both the romanticness of my gesture and the fact that she, like I, was walking down memory lane and recalling just how awesome the first few months of our relationship actually were.

Anyways, we didn't say much about it after that, but that was mostly because everyone else was there and because we were taking on the personas of our World of Darkness characters. However, I will say that it was the most fun I've had at campaign night for quite some time, for both myself and my character Shiki. Course, it also helped that everyone had a hot streak that night for dice rolls, which culminated in a truly legendary act by Alba, our resident Changeling played by our friend Shin, who somehow managed to get 13 on an attack roll, which basically culminating in him punching an enemy vampire so hard that his hand went through the guy's chest, leaving a hole roughly six inches in diameter and taking his heart as it passed through, and basically the vampire was standing there for about a fraction of a second before the kinetic force caught up with the blow (apparently caused a time dilation as well) and pulverized the poor sap into dust. As both a mage specializing in necromancy and an ex-yakuza and assassin-for-hire, Shiki has seen a lot of people buy it (and more often than not helped orchestrate their demise), but suffice to say seeing that caused her to drop not only her gunblade and the bottom half of her jaw, but also the most feverent Precision F Strike that I have ever done with any of my characters.


Anyways, afterwards I told her that this was the most fun I had had in campaign for some time. She told me thank you, and also to have a good night, which was weird because usually she only says that in response to when I say it. She also seemed a lot more comfortable around me, even letting me give her a good-bye hug (which doesn't say much, because she hugs everyone, but for a while she was reluctant to initiate or return any kind of physical contact with me). Given, she did whack me with one of the WoD rulebooks after I made a dirty joke, but I made jokes like that all the time when we were dating and got the same reaction, so I took it as her having to punish me for dirty thoughts on principle.

So yeah... I'm giving up.

Basically, I walked into our World of Darkness campaign tonight, and Kyuuchan was there, as well as a guy who was a mutual friend to both of us. I knew this mutual friend was interested in her, though he said he was honestly not trying that hard to go after her, especially after he became my confidante about my feelings for Kyuuchan.


Well, apparently he was over at Kyuuchan's, the two of them were working on stuff for the campaign (she's Game Master and he's essentially an assistant Game Master who will play some of the NPC's at times) and apparently the both of them got lost in the moment and ended up kissing.

I'll admit this was upsetting news, but here's the catch; he was just as confused over it as Kyuuchan was, and he doesn't really think it was right on his part.

He and I walked out while Kyuuchan was doing some last minute preparations for our game, and we talked about it. Apparently he is interested in Kyuuchan as much as I am, but he was hesitant about starting a serious relationship with her, for three reasons; A) he was graduating and leaving Laramie at the end of the next semester, B) he was interested romantically in Kyuuchan but valued her as a friend even more, and was worried that accepting her as a romantic interest would risk their friendship if things went south, and C) he valued me as a friend as well, and didn't want me to think he had betrayed my confidence by listening to my feelings for her and then going after her anyways.

The fact that he was able to speak of these insecurities to me, despite the fact that he was for all extents and purposes a rival suitor for Kyuuchan, kind of calmed me down. I'm honest-to-Goddess not really sure what came over me, but next thing I know, I was telling him to "go for it". I mean sure, he'd only be there for a semester, but the fact is I could tell he genuinely cared about Kyuuchan, and compared to me he was much more stable and self-confident, something that Kyuuchan said I really needed to develop if I ever wanted a chance with her or anyone. Plus, if Kyuuchan was able to break up with me yet still remain my friend, it shouldn't be a problem for him either. Finally, I told him that I thought he was a good match for Kyuuchan and that it would "be nice for her to experience dating someone other than me" since I was her first boyfriend ever. I also told him that a relationship between him and Kyuuchan might be just the thing to get me to finally move on, and that "even if it's just temporary, I think you'd make her happy, and supporting your relationship would help me move on with my own life in a way that Kyuuchan would appreciate. That way, I will have redeemed myself in her eyes, and if the two of you break up then I have a good chance, but even if you two stay together, I think you're a great guy and I trust you, and I know Kyuuchan would be happy with you and that's good enough for me."

So yeah, I guess I finally found my peace after all this time. Given, I did tell him "If you break her heart or hurt her in any way, your right to exist is forfeit to me", but that wasn't so much out of spite as it was the obligatory "shotgun talk" threat that some friends give to their friend's potential suitors. It's still valid - I never make a threat that I don't have the capacity to carry out, even if I probably won't - but I don't think it'd really come up because I can really tell he admires her. Besides, my plan would have never worked, because I confessed my intentions to Kyuuchan after hearing this, and she said "it would take a lot longer for that to work, if at all." So even if I tried, the chances of my successfully asking her out again, even if we were both still single, would have been next to impossible for at least another year, possibly two.

It's weird... I thought that I would be green with envy, but instead I feel better than I have since she broke things off... Goddess-damn-it it makes no logical sense, but I guess that's kind of par for the course, right?