Is this guy messing me about? I can't tell. Help!

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Oh, and JanuaryMan, would you say as an autistic man that what NoGyro says resonates with your own reactions to relationship issues??

And, I like your picture! It's cool (Is it what is called an Avatar in internet speak, or is that something else???)

Hi! Yes, we both have avatars and glad you liked this one Studio Ghibli are great.

To address the issue you are talking about:
Yes in the past I always wanted to be loved but did not realize or consider the love I was expected to give in return and how I was supposed to display my affections. I wanted contact with my girlfriends when I felt like it rather than when we both wanted to talk to each other mutually. This was not helped by some of my past gf's being a tad obsessive (inc. a recent one some months ago) sometimes sending up to 30-40 text messages a day and expecting me to reply to each.

I don't think you're anywhere near as obsessive as you think. And I know when you don't get the response you want from the person you care about sometimes we try to dig one out of them by continued attempts at contacting them or sharing our feelings. This might all be too overwhelming. So I think setting a limit on what you say, how much you contact each other is a good plan. If he's still not giving you what you feel is enough to class you as girlfriend and boyfriend I think you will have to talk to him about it. Being Autistic or having Asperger's while can get in the way of things sometimes shouldn't be an excuse for staying with someone who's needs can't be met by or is refused to be met by the person with those said conditions. For a relationship to work in the long term it requires 2 committed people and 2 people that are able to meet each other's needs.

Thank you. Well, there is no guarantee that we will get together yet, and I know at this point I am not classed as his girlfriend. However he has implied he sees me as a potential relationship, so if I don't want to overwhelm him and stunt all possibilities then I agree I need to set limits now on my emails and so on, which I will do so from this point onwards. But I agree as well, that if he decides he wants my love, he will have to have quite a bit more give in the long term as well, and commit to that. And at least one thing I'm sure of is that my love is worth having, because I have a lot of it to give; whether it ends up being for him or not.

Thank you

When I cut off, it was because I didn't want the relationship to go further romantically. When I returned, it was because I missed the friendship.
This is only my doing, I don't know of other people doing this in the same way I do things.

Oh, this makes me sad. So you think perhaps he just misses the friendship, and doesn't really take me seriously as a potential relationship? I guess that's possible too. Have to get my head round all of this....... sigh

If he truly is autistic like you said, then drop him.

That comment he said where he couldn't love you? If that's what he truly meant, then that's the truth, and he can't make it look nice 'n fluffy. I would say the same thing If I felt that way. I mean what else would we say? We can't lie, and it hurts, but it beats leading people on.

It basically sounds that he was interested in you, but found out it was a bad idea, and decided he wouldn't form a relationship with you. That's a pretty solid decision.

Now, it sounds he's forgotten what you were like, and missed the friendship, as stated earlier. If you and him are the same people as before, then it will happen all over again if you try to form a romantic relationship. Sounds like you just gotta be friends. Or there's something he doesn't like in you that you could improve. A bit of advice regarding that is to stop hating yourself and stop hurting yourself. That's a big no-no. It's not very attractive being a self-hater either. That goes for guys and girls.

Go for other guys. It'll eventually distract you enough to forget him. Forget your heart, it pumps blood, and doesn't require love or attention to do so. Keep attention to your brain, and make intelligent decisions.

You could easily be right. I'm open to all honest opinions about this. I want to be loved, but if he isn't right then I shouldn't compromise, but then again it's hard to know how to feel and what to do when you are deprived of something.
I appreciate your thoughts.

I wouldn't drop him just because he's autistic; I mean, so am I! But regarding the ''I would have to love them'' comment, there's a lot more to it than that really (but of course if he can't love me, then yes, you're right, game over).
The real point is that he treated me very badly, and to say that to someone is not especially nice anyway. It was tactless. But I don't mind him being straight like that. Except if you knew how confused this guy is, and how erratic his behaviour actually is, you may see that you cannot take for granted what he says or take it at face value.
This is however an issue I will have to call him up on at some point, most likely when we meet. He's treated me badly and messed me about a bit and I think I should bring this into conversation. Because it matters if he actually genuinely cares about me.


It's sad in a way, because it's possible that he is so handicapped by his autism that he may not be able to cope with any relationship. And I mean sad for him, not for me.

I dont know if he wants something with you or not but if you feel unable to share whatever past experiences you went through Im inclined to think that you know that you know that sadly he doesnt feel the same way about you.

About the message endings I think you are reading too much into it. I have been guilty of doing the same thing frequently in the past too.

For example I recently started exchanging messages with someone Im quite attached to, I dont end most of my messages with xxx or love you or whatever because it just doesnt come naturally to me. I reciprocate hers but it just doesnt come naturally because it looks a bit fake to me, there are plenty of better ways of showing affection to someone through the messages than a fabricated ending

I disagree with this. Whilst he may not in the end feel the same way (though I am not definite about how I feel), I don't think this is a main indicator of that. Our life experiences are very different. He's had an easier, less messed up life; more sheltered, met very different types of people. The world I've inhabited in my life has been full of colourful, dodgy, crazy, ''rough round the edges'' characters.
He's had a more normal, straight-laced experience.
I don't think it is an insurmountable hurdle. I do think it causes dissonance between us in our communication. But that is the problem really, the dissonance, not that he is necessarily unwilling to listen.

There are a lot of different ideas that people have contributed. I guess now I just need to see what I think for myself over time. If we get the chance to meet, that will help clear things up more.

I'm grateful for people's thoughts.

Thank you

I would not tolerate anyone who treated me the way that guy treated you. When you actually care about somebody, you don't abandon them when they need you and then call them back some time later when you want something again. The way you describe it it sounds like he's manipulating you.

He has treated me badly. I suppose it comes down to how he behaves in the future and what I'm willing to put up with, and for how long. His autism causes him to behave in certain ways some of the time, but over the long term that's not an excuse to treat someone inconsistently or badly.
All will become clear no doubt, over time

Thank you

Cuckooflower, I feel for you. As a woman with AS, dating a man with AS, I totally empathise. What I have learned with this relationship, if anything, if that Aspie men can sometimes say one thing, think they mean it, and then realise within given time, that they actually feel differently. Let me explain. I, for most of the times I ask him for something (whether it's a reply to a question or a suggestion in doing something new) is a blunt "NO". I used to get very offended and knowing how angry I get with rejection, this was a very dangerous relationship. After reading Rudy Simone's books (all of them on AS are excellent) I learnt a lot, not only about him, but about myself and how to improve our relationship. I now know, that his "NO" could very possibly change if I just let him be, not show overtly signs of emotional distress and give him time to think it over. It's not easy. You sometimes can feel you are the only one working towards improving the relationship, and feel like giving up. You are most entitled to, if you think the cons are superior to the pros. However, I have seen improvements, only just, but after one year! It's like drawing blood from a stone.I have learned that telling him I want us "to talk" will immediately put his defences up, however if I just slip the important stuff into conversation and not show I am that affected, it normally has a different result. In so many ways. Aspie men are like children. I dont want to bore everyone to death with my opinion, but I can safely say I have had the experience of a lifetime with this man. I have been "that" close to giving up, down in the gutter and felt like the worse piece of poop in the world. I know he has lied, and that he has avoided many of my questions that I still want answers to. But I also know, he makes me feel very happy and I see progress, albeit very, very slow progress.
If you ever need to talk, PM me, I am always here for you. x

I've said almost those exact same words. Oops

Here's my story: In high school there was 1 girl in my group of friends. I always thought she was really attractive but I didn't think I actually wanted a relationship with her. She picked up on the fact that I thought she was attractive and did all sorts of things to get my attention but of course I was completely clueless (it's pretty hilarious how clueless I was, looking back at it). Eventually she basically forced herself on me and we hooked up for a while and it was amazing. Some day completely out of the blue I just lost interest and used that "I would have to love you" line.

She was still really attached to me and I still thought she was extremely attractive so it kind of created a complicated situation. I guess she still wanted to win me over or something, and I didn't realize at the time that it was bad of me to hook up with her when I didn't have intentions of a relationship and she did. So I guess I basically used her for a while, and then she realized that I was being a douche bag and we stopped.

I recall doing something similar to what your guy did when he re-initiated contact, mostly just because I was horny or whatever. I think I was a bit confused in my head, too, going back and forth with "do I want a relationship or not?", which was no doubt very confusing to her.


So that's my story for what it's worth... It feels remarkably similar to yours. I would say if you want to pursue this, make him do his share of the work. Don't just fall into his arms.

JBO, what do you think would have made it different for you? You say she was attractive. Was it a lack on intellectual compatibility? You think you are incapable of loving someone? I'm interested

I don't know... We were both pretty smart and were in many of the same classes, had similar interests and hobbies, liked/disliked the same people, were attracted to each other. On paper it should have been a good match.

I've never really thought about it before. All I can think of is that maybe I never really respected her opinion on things... I mean, as an aspie, if I do something I throw myself at it 100% and try to learn as much as I can and be the best at it. I guess I tend to be drawn to people who are extremely passionate about things - not necessarily people who are interested in the same things I am. She had a lot of the same interests I had, but I knew so much more about all of them that I didn't really relate much to her over them and I would kind of roll my eyes inside every time she said something.

For instance, one of my favorite friends is working on a PhD in some ridiculously specific physics thing I don't understand. He may not know as much as I do about a given topic, but I still respect and consider his opinion because I know he's an expert at something.


Not sure if I'm capable of loving someone... I've pretty much avoided relationships. They don't really sound like something I want to be involved with right now. Maybe that will change down the line.

Then again, I'm reading the love and dating forum... So clearly it's something that interests me. I kind of want it to be possible, but I just can't imagine myself actually being in one or being happy in one.

Last edited by JBO on 13 Nov 2012, 2:48 pm, edited 3 times in total.

That's a really interesting take. I feel the same. Hence why I only found I could love an Aspie man (didn't know at the time he was one).I hate the shallowness of an individual who has/shows no passion in a pursued interest. Who lacks the intellectual and/or emotional ability, to freely express themselves in what they believe.