why can't more women be like my ex gf

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Oh dear. Denial is not a river in africa you know.

It's right there in your own posts and you're not seeing it, but everyone else can plain as day.

I don't know what anyone could possibly say to help you if you can't see your own hands in front of your face. < expression

So let me get this straight...you want a girl who is in control of everything in the relationship?

I think you probably should have put more effort in. It gets tiresome when one partner has to do all the work., all the planning and organising. Whenever I go out with any guy, I have to do all the asking and organising, and just once I wish a guy would take the initiative or make an effort for me.

MrXxx said: "Oh dear. Denial is not a river in africa you know.

It's right there in your own posts and you're not seeing it, but everyone else can plain as day.

I don't know what anyone could possibly say to help you if you can't see your own hands in front of your face"

This says it all. Billiscool, people are not telling you these things to put you down. They are saying them, because they are true. You seem like a clone of my ex. For one year I had to do "everything". Plan the dates, initiate communication, pay for all the stuff we consumed, give him treats and presents, and never once heard him tell me how appreciative he was, even when prompted. So yeah, he was a passive idiot who push his luck. I can assure you I didn't tell him how hurt I felt, that it was always me having to make plans, buy things, and stay in touch. I am also a solitary creature, I am not rich anymore, but I have class, and I wouldn't want to throw something petty like buying a year's worth of his favourite drinks (foreign beers and champagne) and his favourite foods, etc, in his face. However, it did play a huge part in the end. Had I mentioned it, he would probably say something like "Well you bought all that because *you* wanted to". Which was true, I did. But it's called a relationship, so it's give and take. And it doesn't even have to be on equal budgets (even though I am sure he had more money that me). I would have been happy with at least appreciation. He knew I liked heart shaped stuff, books, etc, but never bothered to give me even a heart drawing (to me would have meant something).

As much as I cared about him, Billiscool, all those factors contributed to the separation. I'm still hurting a lot. But a girl (or man) can only take so much. The scales need to be balanced somehow. What you did? You took her for granted on all levels. So, if anything, learn from what happened, and listen to these guys who are kind, intelligent and considerate men.

Good luck

It seems most people are assuming that his ex did everything because he wouldn't... but that's not necessarily true. It could just as easily be that she likes to be in control, and he let her because he's more comfortable with that anyway.

As someone else mentioned, relationships should be a 50/50 effort -- but when they're not, sometimes it's because someone wants more control and not that the other wants less effort. And for some people being with someone who's very controlling can be easier in the beginning, as long as there's no obvious abuse -- but it usually turns bad eventually, when a disagreement comes up about an issue that's important to the more passive person who then discovers that their partner won't compromise or give in.

Whenever I brought up emotions/feelings, he just said he wasn't good with them. I just assumed that meant he didn't care. I mean, it's all very well to let someone else "take the lead", but if you give nothing in return, the other person will eventually feel like a doormat. And that is something one can only be for a while.

CrazyStarlightRedux, that is *so* true.

It sounds like you just want a bossy woman who is willing to act as your personal assistant.

If you want to be bossed around by somebody and wish to be submissive and passive, that's your own personal preference. But please do not imply that this bossy woman of yours is the "role model" that all females should aspire to.

Most females do not want to run their man's life for him. Most of us like a man who can make decisions for himself.

Bill, maybe you didn't force her to do all the work in the relationship but obviously she realised that if she didn't, it wouldn't be done. I'd quickly get fed up too if a boyfriend (or even just-a-friend) never organised anything and it fell on me all the time. Were you happy & grateful for her organising and instigating everything? If so, did you ever tell her that? Or did you ever say to her "we'll do something next weekend, I'll plan this one"?

I know they say relationship are hard work, but both should be doing the work, and there should be plenty of reward from the mutual hard work! You loved this woman but didn't let her know, she loved you but her role in your life sounded more like a secretary and carer than a reciprocal equal relationship.

You're saying on here you were an idiot towards her so you are clearly capable of realising you went wrong - think about what we've all told you and how to stop being passive, otherwise you'll repeat your mistakes time & again.