Is it the rejection that hurts?

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*hugs

I've not been around much...been letting my heart heal. So hi aspiesandra. I have discovered that my own pain comes from my fear that whoever it was that did the rejecting was my last hope. Last person who would ever find me attractive or interesting enough to pay me any attention. I'm washed up. Of course it's ridiculous misinformation that my insecurity tells my head to make me crazy. It helps if I do some straight self-talk. When the tears or anger come I ask myself what it is that is really making me feel bad. Was it because the other person is a tasteless bastard? Or is that I'm really believing that I'm unlovable? Then I get busy making a list of why that's not true. I will say, some days self soothing is easier than others. *sigh *more hugs

Thanks KittenWithAWhip (love the name ) Hugs back, because you need them just as much.

Yes, I know that is true too. It's amazing, that once people highlight potential reasons as to why we felt/behaved a certain way, everything starts to make sense. I struggle with so many things, including my emotions and which are the right steps to take, at any given time. I did think that maybe I would never find anyone like that, we were so amazing when we were together, intellectually and sexually it couldn't have been better. But he was like Jekyll and Hyde, and once he left, everything else left with him. With the added exclusion of appreciation, and never telling me what it was I meant to him. I too made a list now. Of the positive aspects people tell me I have, and what I know was positive in our relationship. I wish I had found this forum earlier. But I don't actually have any regrets, and I think that's the beauty of who I am. Like MrXxx said in another post, it's all about learning from experiences. And as aspies, we are continuously learning. I know I still have a lot to know, but I feel enriched by the courage I had, to pursue a relationship, when I was so scared to even admit I needed someone in my life. Regardless of the outcome, the trip has complemented my life.

I am at peace. I think that is paramount. Big hug again.

*hugs*[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQfoJ1bwnqg[/youtube]

AspieOtaku, I *do* love cats

Hugs back.

hugs!
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hqg3PMWrJ78[/youtube]

My ex was like that.

I would elaborate, but I'm still confused by it. I just know that it did-not-work.

I think if *any* person doesn't want to see you - it's a bad sign, no matter what the reasons they say. In the end, you want to be with someone who wants you back, and who respects what *you* want from the relationship.

Aspiesandra, I will reply to your PM. It might take a week though. You seem an interesting individual.

BlueMax, you said you would *never* put that video of us for public show?

AspieOtaku....you are like a pussycat. Gentle an beautiful.

How come we are all so far, geographically?

It is just normal that you will get hurt upon being rejected. Just try move on.

Kitties!

Now that is over with.

San, maybe a good start is asking yourself why you would have been attracted to someone like that to begin with? Someone who gives us our own space and doesn't push us is good, but someone is is avoidant, doesn't care or is unappreciative is not. You don't have to choose one or the other - there is always a middle ground.

I was the one who ended it. So he probably sees it as me rejecting him.

But I had been telling him for ages, gently telling him we needed to change this, that it was very one sided in terms of giving and I didn't understand why. I asked him if he just wanted me for sex and he said no, and his way of trying to prove that was taking me out for a meal on a date. I then asked him if it was sex *and* the intellectual side, and he never replied. I told him what I liked about him and what was great for both of us, was that we were both people who needed our own space, and who weren't looking for someone to be with 24/7. But he was the aspie that changed negatively all too fast. First 3 months, he was communicative, (not the every day thing, neither of us was like that) he was articulate and he wasn't overly demonstrative, but he did say some nice things about me. Suddenly, it's like someone switches on a button, and...puff...all gone. His rather well composed emails (about everything, not specifically us) stopped, then came back as one liners every 3 days and then unless I asked, he said nothing. I very, very gently tried to ask him if this wasn't working for him, and if it wasnt then we would go our separate ways, because I was little more than a friend then, and I really didn't want to develop stronger feelings, if he knew he wasn't able to correspond. Every time I broached anything like that?...silence. So I had to speculate as to what that silence meant. He always agreed to meet, and when we were together it was always perfect. I could see he was happy to be with me, I know the amount of travel he had to do could only mean that? But there was never, ever, a thank you for this lovely meal, for this present, never a"you look so pretty" "You are so caring"....whatever a guy could have said...I dont know. This is what people tell me it's normal and what I have had before. Im not saying false flowery displays of affection...no, I don't like anything ott, but this is why he seemed so perfect, he was good when we started. A friend told me he just fell into a sense of security and stopped making an effort, probably in his mind thinking it was now *my* duty to do everything and chase after him and provide him with his expensive beer and champagne, and his meals that he loved, and being treated like a King, while he just sat back and forgot reality.
It isn't an obligation though. I don't mind doing everything I did, but I do mind being treated as if it was a duty. I am an easy person to please. Not high maintenance. I like living on my own, because I cannot live with anyone with these sensory issues. I don't know if other people are like me, but I can't even stand someone else breathing in the same room, or talking, or anything else in fact, if I am in need of shutting down, which is pretty much every day after work, or if I go to the shops. So, allowing him into my life, was perfect because neither of us wanted that.

I am waffling. Every day I hurt still. Today it's thinking that he never even tried to "fight" for me after my email breaking up on Sunday. I told him why, and I said it would have been possible to change even if as an aspie it would still be a major change. I changed. I let him into my home... Couldn't he have budged a little too? And now it's all over, and I wonder how one year of our lives, has just disappeared in a cloud of smoke...

But it's for the best. I was, way, way down on the scales. And that is just not healthy. A lot of people who care about me told me that.

Time to go. See you guys later. x

Is the person you've been seeing an aspie?

If so this is similar to the person I see who I think is definitely on the spectrum somewhere

He finds it very hard to say thank you for anything and I've been having to train him into acting how I want him to act but it's been very very hard! I've also had to make adjustments to my behaviour for him.

I've given up numerous times and said it's not working, you dont care and are hurting me a lot but I've always gone back to speaking to and seeing him eventually as I just feel happier when in contact with him than not.

A lot of our disagreements came from me misinterpreting his communication style and also we'd both get into a scenario where we'd upset each other and it was an ongoing 'payback' destructive cycle where he'd be annoyed about something I'd said or done so he'd act in a manner that upset me back and vice versa. It's very important to communicate as much as possible about what you need from the other person and get feedback on what they feel and think too.

A lot of things can be that the person just doesn't realise how much something they do or don't do upsets you ie its thoughtlessness rather than malice.

Meow? ....meeeeooow?....purrrrrr.

Thanks for the hugs.

It sounds like you're handling this as well as possible. Good for you.