Online dating...

Post Reply New Topic

I know there's no stigma to it here, in an online community for people with a social disorder, but I don't live here in comfortable, anonymous cyberspace... I live in the real world, and in a place where you have to see the same people every day. Thus far, I've done pretty well making those people that I have to see every day not hate me or think I'm a desperate creep, and I'd like to keep it that way.

And whoever said that online dating is stigmatized because it's viewed as a last resort... well yeah, that's kind of how I see it too. It's a place where the outcasts and misfits, who are labeled as such for one reason or another, come to meet each other because they can't meet anyone else. It seems to me to be a step down from trying to meet someone in real life, though not as large a step down as, say, hiring a hooker or something. No one naturally starts out the dating game for the first time online. No one ACTUALLY says to themselves, despite what profiles may say "Hmmm, I bet there are some really attractive, awesome people on this online dating site!" NO. That isn't how it works. People get into online dating after the real world doesn't work out so well for some reason, and they get lonely, and well, desperate. It's just the reality of life. It's like the McDonald's job of relationships. No one really WANTS it, but a lot of people will take it just to have SOMETHING... and who knows, they might like it, or at least be able to tolerate it, long enough to get promoted to manager! I just haven't decided if I want to accept that McDonald's job of relationships yet... but right now, it's looking a hell of a lot better than the streets. I just have always liked to think I'm stronger than that, and someone who won't give in to desperation that easily...

I don't know... maybe that's just my f****d up view of it. Maybe some people actually DO go online with high hopes, and for reasons other than desperation. If that's the case though, I can't see how that happens...

See that's an interesting way to look at it.. and might also explain some of my reticence as far as dating goes..


I'd rather starve than work at McDonald's... just like I'd rather do without companionship than be with some of the creatures who live near me..

YES. This! I would also be a hobo before I'd work at McDick's. With the other side of analogy, I'm not usually that judgmental... for me it's more of a self-respect thing. Like, what runs through my mind is "Am I settling for this?" and if the answer is yes, I stop right there. Problem is, if the answer is no, I usually think she's out of my league. And whenever I find someone who's middle ground, I always f**k it up somehow, either by coming on too strong (usually with the help of alcohol) or not strong enough (the reason I have so many female friends)... or she's my best friend's ex, but that's a whole different can of worms...

You seem to be sure of what you want or don't want, which wasn't how you came across when you started this thread?

You asked for our opinions, and we gave them.

But comparing online dating to Macdonalds, is short of saying those of us who prefer it, are desperate misfits, that no one else "in the real world" wants to date. Some people don't have time, others feel safer sifting through potential candidates in the comfort of their own homes, and some might even just see it as another option, equally as worthy as any other. It's a means to an end. A platform to meet people.

I have known a lot of individuals who have met their partners/husbands/wives through dating sites ad are happily still together. And no, they are not losers who wouldn't have had a chance elsewhere.

Welcome to the 21st century!

Yeah see.. I don't want to compare online dating to McDonald's as a whole.. It obviously works for some people. It just hasn't really worked for me because you can only get out of it what is put into it.


It might be an entirely different story if I go some place else and try it.

I started this thread yesterday. My feelings on the subject are different today, and will probably be different again tomorrow. As I get new information and have new thoughts on a subject, particularly one which is, for me anyway, a volatile subject, my feelings and opinions about it change. This is how progress works.

I, too, have many friends and relatives who met their significant other online. And they, too, were not, to the best of my knowledge, desperate losers. However, I've never understood the philosophy of actually PREFERRING to meet someone online to meeting someone in person. If you are someone who does prefer doing things this way (which, by your wholehearted defense of the online dating community, I assume that you are), could you explain the philosophy behind why you prefer this?

So essentially you are saying you feel you are so desperate you may as well resort to dating sites, because that is how the alleged 'real world' sees it?

To each their own but I simply do not see anything wrong with it I think society focuses too much on people comparing themselves to others or what everyone else is doing.........or what's in style. I'd say do online dating if you want to....if not don't you don't have to tell anyone IRL if you do unless you want to. I personally figure there could be potential people I'd hit it off with online that may simply find it difficult approaching people IRL I can't very well assume everyone else on them is there out of desperation if I'm not, quite a few probably see it as more of a short cut like I do.

OK, time to argue with myself a little bit...

If online dating by default makes one desperate, then doesn't it logically follow that going to a bar or a coffee shop or anywhere else that couples stereotypically meet automatically makes one desperate? Two possibilities exist now:

1.) Neither online dating or going to a bar is a form of desperation.
2.) They are both forms of desperation, meaning that 99% of relationships ever started were the result of desperation, meaning that it is acceptable and normal to be desperate, contrary to popular belief.

Or maybe a third possibility exists:

3.) It's not so much WHERE you go to try to meet someone, but HOW you try to meet someone regardless of venue, that determines success or failure...

OK, maybe that third possibility is more of a conclusion drawn from the other two, but regardless, it seems legit, and I think I've answered my own question regarding this dilemma. Sweet Jesus, I just justified online dating to myself... what the hell am I going to justify to myself next...

Pabalebo, let me give you a real-world, practical example.

I'm a single mom, 45, with a full-time job and a varying custody schedule. Any free time I have is devoted to going to the gym or having much-needed alone time at home. My job consists of me staring at my computer all day, every day. If I talk to two people a day at the office, that's a lot. I work in a conservative industry in a small company and live in a conservative town where most of the people I know settle down early (the few divorced men in my company have little in common with me anyway). The parents at my kids' school are all married. I don't have the emotional capacity or the desire for casual sex.

Do you see what I'm getting at? There are simply some lifestyles or responsibilities where meeting gobs and gobs of people organically IS JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. That's where online dating can be very helpful. It literally gives you a broader circle. When I did it, I worked at it hard, but it wasn't really to my liking (I think I just don't find many people attractive, though I made some nice friends). Anyway, I thought I'd put in my two cents about online dating and when and where it could be *necessary*, if one wants to date.

Well, actually, I do, because my top three matches were people I've met in real life.



I like that explanation of some of the reason why people prefer it. That seems justifiable. Thank you.

I'm not. I'm a college guy, 21, with a couple of easy part-time jobs and no kids. I'm constantly surrounded by friends and attractive, real-world single girls my age. I have time to go to bars and parties and such, which I take full advantage of, with little to no success. If I don't talk to at least 30 people a day, that's a low number. I live in a liberal college town in Vermont. Now do you see why resorting to online dating might make me feel like a desperate loser?

That's cause the culture tells guys that Highschool and College is a non stop parade of parties & p**** from 16 to 22... for some I'm sure it is.. since as the recent undergrad from Duke university illustrated marvelously in her "People I want to f**k" list which got spread all over the internet.. basically every single one of them was an athlete of some sort. ( I can only imagine if a male had made a list of girls he wanted to have sex with, and had done it with such detail.. he'd be in jail as a sex offender right now.. not getting book deals).. it doesn't always carry over across the entire population. The reason we have averages like "6 sexual partners by the age of 30" is that some people have dozens and some people may have 1.. and the average works out to be 6.. I mean I can't say what Vermont is like.. but yeah if it's anything like the major college campus's here you shouldn't really be having *That* much trouble.. since again, if it's like the schools here, it's not a lack of options..

I AM AN ATHLETE OF SOME KIND! I'm a top five athlete on the school's most successful f*****g team! I run 5 miles faster than most of the general population can run 3! Granted, cross country runners aren't exactly stereotypically known for being ridiculous partiers or for getting all the ladies... but still, god damn... you'd think that would get me SOMEWHERE, right? Failing that, you'd think I could play the intellectual card, I'm a double major and a TA with a 3.3 GPA. Or even the "I have money" card... I do pretty well for myself by college student standards.

My point is, with everything I've got going for me, I still can't do this in real life, maybe it is time to resort to online dating...

The thing I haven't really shown on these forums is, I'm a completely different person in real life than the emotional train wreck that comes out on this website. Apart from the fact that I'm perpetually single, I'm generally considered to be a pretty normal guy in real life. I have things going on in my life (for the next 3ish months anyway, but that's a whole different issue). I have friends, I do things, I get invited places to do stuff, I can hold a normal conversation. Classes come easy to me... despite taking 20 credits this semester, I still have time to have fun. I'm in shape. I'm a talented singer. I make money doing things I enjoy doing. If I had that special person to share it all with, I'd be living the f*****g dream! I'm so close to living my ideal life that I can almost taste it. And it's the most frustrating thing in the world.

Well there ya go.. You're not the right kind of athelete..


I dunno I have no other suggestions.. Sorry man.

It's all good. At this point I think I'm just venting my frustrations. This thread has gone pretty far off topic and has probably outlived its usefulness, honestly.