Whats the worst thing about being in a relationship with NT

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One thing that really helped my relationship with my AS BF and I have shared it with my BFF and she started using it in her NT/NT relationship so it is basically just good practice.. I ask myself 3 questions before I communicate what I want or need from him. This works with the entire range of things from hugs or sex to doing dishes. I ask myself 1. What do you want 2. Why do you want it 3. how do you want it to happen. Then I communicate these fact based desires to him. He makes dinner at night but it wasn't ready until anywhere between 7:30-9. The NT wants to say.. Hey, can we have dinner at 6 or 6:30. He would say yes but it didn't happen. 1. What do I want? DInner by 6 or 6:30 2. Why do I want it? Because I have eaten lunch at noon and I don't want to snack, because we have a toddler and a teen that need to eat and get in bed by 8 and 9 respectivly 3. How do I want it to happen? I need "you" to plan meals in advance and know what you are making so you are not going to the store at 6:30. I then calmly discussed this with him and now 99% of the time we eat by 6:30. He is also not as frustrated because he isn't trying to figure out last minute what he needs to make and weather or not he has the right things to make it with. There are times when I am all "girly" and that is when I tell him "there is no logical reason for XYZ I am just being me and I "feel"..... and he just accepts these times. Now he knows he doesn't have to try to figure out what I mean when I say things and then get it wrong. I have said this on many posts but it has been my experience when our Aspies feel secure.. that they are not going to get yelled at if they get it wrong, when they know they don't have to guess at what we are thinking or wanting... they tend to get it right without so much explanation... and they are able to express their feelings more openly because they know there will be no judgement. In general men and women are different species who might as well have their own language for as well as they communicate together. It has been very inlightening to me to learn "why" I want things and to express it.

wow...thank you so much...keep all those great insights coming..very very helpful hearing 'the other side'!

Personally I believe that when things are going wrong in a relationship it is almost never just one persons fault. More often it is two people interperting each other incorrectly. When I realized he is Aspie, something he never told me he just kept pointing out his traits and how to deal with them, I actually went looking for answers about how things FEEL to him. I process on feelings and emotion not so much on facts. I found this site and everyone here was so great at communicating what it is like to be Aspie. I realized that I had the ability to alter my communication to compliment his. In the beginning I went a little overboard in my attempt to be an understanding girlfriend and his frustration showed.. I kept working on it. I also had a few melt downs of my own. Let me tell you it is exhausting to have to analyze your ever thought when that is not how you process. More than once I broke down in tears and told him that I was overwhelmed. That he was doing NOTHING wrong and I was not upset with him AT ALL.. but that I am an emotional person and this is me just giving in to that. He accepted that with no problem and once I got it all out I picked up and started over. Minds are very trainable.. I automatically think his way now. My personal things are still based on gut feelings and emotion.. I have not changed who I am.. but I better understand my own wants and needs now. His mind is trainable too.. It is just harder for him because he has to "fake" being NT.. or at least I think that is how he felt. Once he knew we were good he pretty much gave in to his triggers. This was good because I didn't take them personally and I could easily see what they were and adjust our life... mostly.. so there are fewer of them. After several months of working on making things better for him I got something so special in return. We stayed up really really late and just talked and he shared a lot of his FEELINGS with me. Childhood stuff, stuff with his ex wife... none of it was a secret to me.. he openly discussed the situations many times, but this time I asked him how he felt or how he feels now and he was able to tell me. Without going on for ever I can not tell you all of the changes but I am closer to him than I have ever been to anyone. At one time I felt he was the only person in the world that I couldn't "read" and now I don't know how that was possible because I can read him completely now.. we finish each others sentences. It is a closeness I can not describe. It was not an overnight fix.. but once it started it went pretty fast.. there were changes in just a few days and after 6 months we sort of perfected our communication. Instead of assuming I am angry at him now he says.. Did I make you mad you are making a face. If he did, which is rare I will say yes.. what you said or did upset me and this is why.. more often I am just tired and I tell him that now and the tension that once lasted for day's is gone instantly.

aspiegf to him.. you gave him a gift. He didn't ask you to do something and he didn't ask for the gift. He may just not know. I leave cards, notes and such in hidden places from time to time.. to me.. if he did that I would mention it and say thank you. To him I was just expressing my love. When someone says I love you you don't say thank you.. which of course makes sense. I had to tell him.. when I leave you notes will you let me know you found them? Now he does... he doesn't always say "I found your note" but he will send me a random text "I love you" Don't view his lack of mentioning it as lack of appreciation.. the "rules" are different and it is less stressful to accept it than to try to conform everything to the NT way.

mds_02 it might be helpful if you can try to explain to her how you FEEL. NT women take things very personally. Men and especially Aspie men say exactly what they are thinking no hidden meaning.. NT women hint and expect you to dig around and figure it out. So when you say you need space they assume, like them, it has a hidden meaning so they try to figure it out. Best lesson I ever learned was to take everything at face value and ask direct questions and of course give the same in return. So she really does think it is space from her you need but in a negative way. I am assuming she knows you are Aspie. have a glass of wine with her and explain what it feels like in your world. That all day every day you have to be ON. Guess what tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are supposed to mean. It is exhausting and stressful. Sometimes you need dead silence to let it all go so you can regroup and start over. I don't know what you really go through, but was sort of using that as an example. It is so easy for us to put our old life rules in our relationships with our Aspies. If an NT guy wants space it is usually because SHE annoys him at the moment not because life is out of hand for a moment. There is a good chance once she learns all of your quirks she will know when to just give it to you. Rather than give up what you need to make her happy try explaining it all to her and maybe text her before she texts you.. "hey, I appreciate you giving me this time to recharge I love you" man.. you will melt her heart. She just wants to know it is not her.

You are 18 years old. Now is a great time to come to a certain realization.. You Rock!! and if she doesn't like your quirky behavior sucks to be her! Please don't waste your time on those you have to convince you are worth it. All anyone wants is to be loved and to be loved for who they are. Spend less time worrying about this or that girl who doesn't love you and more time realizing how great you are the way you are. It is the guys who are a little quirky but don't give a whoot what others think that end up the happiest. And really.. you don't want to be that bland and boring just like everyone else.. and do you want to be someone you are not just to get the girl? because you will have to morph into that person for as long as you have the relationship. I am 42 years old and I am really sweet and affectionate and like to do nice things for people I like. ALL people I like just because they are nice.. But in a relationship I usually ended up with the co dependant guy who needed a mommy or the guy who went running because he just knew I would be smothering and jealous.. which actually I am nither.. go hang with your friends you have friends who are girls ok what ever i have friends who are guys.. no big deal.. but they just knew.. but I kept being me and I ended up with the man of my dreams. i know at 18 to you I have one foot in the grave and am some old lady.. but you remember what I say.. nothing even matters till you hit 30... then life begins! be yourself.. You is awesome! The one worth having will love you more because of your quirks