A possible second chance with a woman...doing things right

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Oh I've tried contacting all kinds of people...the only ones I manage to get dates with share my interests. The rest never reply, except for one who rather cruelly responded that we shared no interests, and so she didn't see the point in trying to get to know me. I'm trying anyone and everyone, trying to get someone to give me a chance.

With this woman I'm going to help her anyway I can. I'm going to do anything and everything, and hopefully with time I can show her, prove to her I am worthy of her. Whatever it takes. At this point, I'd do anything to get someone to love me, even if just for a little while. I'll say anything, do anything, or change anything about myself. Anything to show that I have what it takes, anything to earn someone's love.

NO NO NO NO NO NO

This is where it all goes wrong.

Romantic relationships are not something you earn by being worthy. They are what happens when the two people are compatible. There is no "earn". There is no "worthy". There is compatible and non-compatible.

But after hundreds of failed attempts with women, and not even managing to get past the second date (and even that has only happened once), clearly the problem is with me. I need to be better, do better, change myself and fix myself until I can convince someone I AM worth taking a chance on. If only I could convince someone to give me a shot to get to know me better, I could show them that there is more to me than what appears on the outside, that I have ambition and sensitivity and a lot of love to give. I will be a great success someday (or die trying), and I just know if a woman would deign to choose me, she would choose a winner in the long term. But I have to prove I'm worth the risk first.

While it is pretty clear that you have some insecurities that are causing you problems, I suspect you really are a decent guy that many women would enjoy being with.

You write that you "need to be better, do better, change myself and fix myself until I can convince someone I AM worth taking a chance on." I honestly believe that it is exactly these attempts to come across differently than you normally would that are causing much of your problems. I suspect in trying to please people, you come across as nervous and as if you are hiding something. If you stop and think about it, you quickly realize that actually what you are doing is preventing people from seeing the real you. The part of you that shows on the outside is actually a facade that hides the real you; a real you that might be worth getting to know.

Try this: be exactly who you are with no apologies. If you make an actual mistake, apologize for that, but don't apologize for being the person that you are. People may reject you because of who you are, but it's better to be rejected for being honest than it is for being dishonest.

If you feel nervous, be honest about it. Say "Don't mind me... I'm a little nervous because I'd like things to go well" and leave it at that. Actually being honest like this expresses far more confidence than a facade of bravado. Don't be afraid to say exactly what you really feel. Your fear of being seen as who you really are is the problem. If you can be honest and open with who you really are and have the courage to show that side of you, you will show far greater confidence than most NTs.

That, alone, may not solve all of your problems, but it will take a huge obstacle out of your path.

Quoted for emphasis.......THIS^^^^^^! !!


Brian, the more desperate, miserable and guarded you act the more unattractive you become.
STOP treating every woman you meet like she's a potential savior or escape from your loneliness.
STOP acting like finding a girlfriend will fix your self-esteem problems. It won't.
STOP thinking you somehow have to change yourself to be with someone.
STOP having any expectations at all (that goes for this woman who only wants to see you professionally.)
STOP acting like your on some sort of time table. By the Goddess, you're not even 30 yet, don't be so melodramatic!

Now it's been quoted twice so it must be read.

This advice from jagatai is the full explanation of my probably-too-cryptic "there is only compatible and non-compatible". Women who are dating are looking for a man they are compatible with. When you are your authentic self- as jagatai advises- rather than trying to morph into who you think they want, then and only then is there a chance for a woman to find out if she is compatible with you. She ("she" being women in general who are dating to look for a life partner) is not looking for a man to earn her love. The "earn her love" meme is a particularly damaging trope that comes from movies because it drives plot. But it doesn't work in real life. In real life, she wants somebody she is compatible with. She can only tell who she is compatible with if she can see the authentic personality. Stop hiding your personality behind a bunch of facades. What women see is that there is a facade and that makes them leery of getting in a relationship with you.

Your authentic self will be rejected by various women but not because it's not "good enough". Merely because it's incompatible with their authentic selves. This is fine. It prevents people from getting into a relationship who just shouldn't because they are incompatible. It would be a tragedy if a woman who actually is compatible with you decided not to see you again because she disliked the facade you had erected to please her. Jagatai wants to prevent that tragedy. Follow his advice.