it's the social rules

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All of this is completely true, agreed. I totally understand that aspie guys really have the deck stacked against them when it comes to traditional social roles in dating but it's not more fun, or safer being a woman who gets hit on a lot and can't tell if someone's lying, can't read body language well, doesn't have a lot of female friends to talk to about guys and get their opinion, and can't read social cues very well, etc. Then to protect ourselves, it's easier just to assume all men are predatory and put up a wall that no one can get through, which in turn makes it even /harder/ for decent men to approach us. It's a vicious cycle, and I honestly feel bad for the good guys out there because of it. Even NT women do this, it's tough.

The problem I've found though, is that by putting up high walls it's like an "a**hole filter". Respectful men see that I don't want to talk and go away or back off; but a predator or creep is the only one persistent enough to keep trying to get over and around the wall.

Thus, I'm just plain old not dating, period. It's too complicated.

I'd much, much rather be the one to make the first move if I was, though.

but are there are aspie women that do have a high number of partner ( both sexual and romantic) on this site and in real life,
If men were such a problem, and aspie women have a hard time telling real guys from the predator, and have a trust issue.
we should be seeing more aspie women with less partner. Not finding aspie women with 10 or more partner.
but there is no deny that there are predator and creepy men.

but ladies, there are way more good guys out there than the creepy predator guys out there. If that wasn't the case,
many of you ladies would never date, married or even have sex. just the fact, many women here do not too bad in the
dating, mean good guys outnumber the predator types.
or unless women here are marry predator men, which may be the case but not the majority.

I am one of those women who has had lots of relationships, but that's not to say I don't find dating baffling and scary. I was married and after I found out that I'd been deceived, divorced my spouse. The number of relationships doesn't necessarily mean someone is good at dating, or easy with it. When I was really young, I became someone's girlfriend just so that I didn't have to put up with people asking if I was single.

Yup, the last 7 years, all the men I have been interested have all turned out to be 'taken'.

Also, I don't 'date'. Usually I meet people through friends or work (or some special intrest web forum). My most successful relationship was with a man I eventually got engaged to (it didn't work out in the end, but that had nothing to do with being aspie), it was a long distance relationship, we spent about a week together every other month, the rest of the time it was online. To me, it was the perfect relationship. I got to have all my privacy and alone-time, then a short but intensive week to be just 'us', then back to being 'me' again. We met through a roleplaying site(online tabletop RPG, if that makes sense, not the kinky kind....), and we hit it off in the forums and started messaging each other throught the site at first, then through other messaging providers, email and phone and finally IRL.

Since it's difficult to find mr/miss Right in the face-to-face setting, it may be a lot easier to do so online.

it may not be easy for you, but you still do better than alot of aspie men do in dating.
the fact you can get date, puts you way above many aspie men.
many aspie men can't even get dates at all. You can get dates. that the different.




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I guess it really does help to be a nerd/have an identity/have consistent fun activities. That's not really possible for me when I have a normal job or school. Having to get up early, focus, and talk to people makes me too tired and stressed to ever do anything else. This is both a problem for getting dates and for keeping them.

So what should I do? Get on some serious adderall?

Let's start in the other end. What do you like to do, when you are not working or in school? What activities gives you a sense of calm? Do you play computer games? Do you garden? Do you paint? Do you do crossword puzzles? Do you hang out here? Do you stare at a blank wall and just try to relax/meditate? Once you figure out one or a few things that give you pleasure in life, it's easier to 'hunt' for a nice lady-friend. Or gentleman-friend if that's what you prefer.

The thing you're not understanding is for a women getting a date with an overly aggressive creepy guy is worse than no date. For women, getting a lot of fake attention from a a guy who just wants to get in her pants is not very fun. It's scary. There's also no positive cultural "cred" offered to girls who date aggressive jerks.

Men who know better and aren't jerks use more subtle methods to "make the first move", like simply initiating a normal conversation. The women may still scare off the potential good date by being too shy and not giving the guy enough feedback. Decent guys don't keep flirting and pursuing if they get nothing back because the woman is too shy or doesn't know what to do to show she's interested.

When you correct for quality over quantity, it may still a little easier for women, but it's not like most women can easily get any guy they choose if they are shy and socially awkward. There's difficulty for both genders. It's harder for guys as a whole but it's not black-and-white. Women struggle as well.

I honestly don't know. I don't do much besides facebook, watch tv, or sleep when I have work or school during the day. If I could go to bed at 3 am every night and wake up 1 pm, it might be a different story. But yeah, I haven't had much in the way of hobbies since I was a homeschooled teenager who didn't have normal responsibilities.

All those other things you mention take too much focusing ability or visual-spatial ability. If I've already spent that on work or school, I don't have much left.

Then I think that's where you have to start. Is there any way you can lessen your work or school load? Or any way that you can do work that is less people intense? Is there any way you can get more sleep? It sounds to me like you are exhausted and need a little reboot.
I am by no means saying that all problems go away with a week of vacation, but I am saying it's easier to look for positive ways to improve ones own life when you are rested and stress-free.
If at all possible, is there a therapist available for you to talk things through? Or a close friend or family member? Sometimes just having a bouncing board (I don't know if that works in english) can help a lot.

I've taken vacations. It's wonderful, but then the problems come back as soon as it's over. Yeah, I am talking through this with a few people and trying to find a psychiatrist to prescribe something.

I don't think it's just that I'm exhausted, I think it's that normal activities--like almost any job or school-- exhaust me, and I really need about 12 hours of sleep.

What is the solution to being tired by normal things?

Sadly you seem to have the same problem as me. It isn't just that social things exhaust me though. Forcing myself to do anything I don't consider very fun for 8-10 hours straight is what exhausts me. I get depressed and that manifests as being tired and having no motivation to go out and do anything after day of work. Even going to the store and cooking is a chore.

I'm considering looking for a communal living arrangement. I think if I can eat together with other people I get along with in a relaxed environment I'll have enough social interaction to keep me from being depressed and unmotivated. It's just a matter of finding the right people. Having to get in the car and drive somewhere to do anything social is just too much.

I can start conversations and do pretty well. I think it is a matter of trying the typical introductions that most people do well NTs that is. Ask them how they are. Talk about something they are interested in. Actually find out what they are interested in. Also women love to talk about themselves and like it when guys ask them about things.

I mean if you go up and talk to somebody randomly about something you are into you generally will get them turning and walking away. Some aspies do this and it makes it very difficult for them to have NT conversations.

I sometimes talk at people if I do not pay attention but I never go up to someone and start talking about a special interest without first understanding about them and what they like. If I hit it off many people like to hear me talk about my favorite topic in small increments. You just have to time yourself internally and it can be quite challenging to pull off. It just means you have to listen to something they are into and show some interest.

Honestly it is better when you are on some common ground as far as similar interests but it is not required to have a relationship with someone. You just need to show interest in them even if you do not necessarily like it. Most aspies find this difficult which is why you need to retrain your brain so to speak.

An aspie brain I would assume is just as "malleable" as an NTs. Anyone can re-wire the circuitry by changing behavior patterns. Look this up this is a theoretical idea but there are documented results in prgrams like AA where you chnage your behavior and stop your addictive behaviors. It all has to do with re-wiring your brain "circuitry".

Honestly I do not believe people when they say aspies cannot learn how to be social. It is a defeatist attitude that keeps many from succeeding at conversation and relationship. Just keep trying and talk to people who can tell you how to socialize like everyone else. Just watch someone you know and observe them.

Yeah it definitely is the social rules and...
I'm unable to deal with my emotions,
Everybody keeps telling me how I should feel,
What I should do, that I should have asked this, or do that.
That I should just get up and do things the way they do it.
That everything will just be fine.
Why didn't I stand up for myself.
Why do I let people get away by treating me this way.
They say they will do things, but when the time comes, nothing happens and there I am sitting like a fool for waiting for nothing, when I should have picked up on those hints.