quasi-NT lady dating a male Aspie; advice appreciated!

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Yes. She says he's the one who told her about it. The more we interact with her and the more she learns, it's possible she'll determine that something different is going on. I assume she's provided the best information she has, and I fail to see the harm in proceeding forthwith.

What would be the alternative? Requiring a notarized, ribboned diagnosis from a board-certified medical doctor, with attached MRIs, for admission to WP?

+1

But that's exactly how the one who doesn't really care about you would behave : Never initiating contact with you.

So how the OP can tell the difference?

Also the man is in his 40s, not a teen, not 20s, so he should have at least heard of one of the most fundamental common sense when it comes to bonding and building relationships/friendship, which is reciprocity.

The only solution is the direct question to be sure.

Yes.

I'd agree, but it sounds like she HAS asked him:

"and he said something to the effect of "I never initiate plans socially" and "I don't know the rules of dating."
"When I confront him on this issue, as gently as possible . . . he says things to the effect of "That's just the way I am, and women get really frustrated by it." He seems apologetic about it, but he hasn't changed his behavior. I told him that it hurts my feelings sometimes . . . and he seemed very surprised and upset. He said, "I've actually been trying really hard to be normal with you."


Not necessarily. My guy is 46 and doesn't seem to know that. He seems to think a normal relationship resembles his relationship with his mother as a child: she screams, he complies. To make it stop, or out of fear of losing something he values. Small wonder, then, that the only women who stuck around long enough to call it "a relationship" have been screaming crazies. It's what he expects.

Sometimes I get the sense that he thinks I don't care, because I don't - won't - scream at him. But that's not my personality, that's not the kind of relationship I want, and furthermore, he has never screamed at me. I should talk to him about this reciprocity thing, because it may be another one of those light bulb moments for him.

OP's issue is that she has informed him that his behavior X (not initiating contact or dates) hurts her feelings, yet it hasn't changed. So, knowing it hurts her feelings doesn't motivate him to behave differently - which only doubles the hurt. I experienced a lot of that with my Aspie. I knew he didn't intend to hurt me, but I didn't know what the hell he DID intend!

There are many things I never tried. Maybe teach him about reciprocity in relationships? Suggest that when you set up a date, it is his responsibility to initiate the next one? I may try this myself.

By observing the signs and going by how one behaves around you. It's not the exact same as someone not caring if there is a plethora of positive signs being shown from the partner when they interact.



Yep, people with the conditions I mentioned previously will struggle into their 40s and onwards with what they struggled in their teens and 20s. It's a persistent problem for them, and until they've been effectively treated via professional help, it'll keep going. It's a behavior driven by intense fear and cannot be easily controlled.

Thanks for your replies, everyone. I have asked him several times why he doesn't contact me, and he's given me various, somewhat ashamed answers: "I don't know how to initiate," "I don't know what the rules of dating are," "I feel like an alien." He's been getting a LITTLE better, but it's still frustrating when we'll exchange a few texts and then he just drops off in the middle of the conversation.

The last time we discussed it, he said that his only other girlfriend also got very frustrated with him in the same ways that I am when they first started dating. I think they worked together, though, so she didn't need to make dates with him in order to see him. I only have one or two mutual friends with him, and they're not particularly close, so it's been a little more difficult for me. Especially as a person with her own anxiety disorder, who doesn't really like to initiate either!

My tactic lately is to establish a standing date to go to trivia together at a certain pub once a week, and that's been going well. He seems to do well with schedules, when he knows what's expected of him and where to be at what time. I'd still like to see him a little more frequently, but I'm trying to take it slow and work up to that.

He's the one who told me he has AS, yes, and I'm not sure if he's been diagnosed. I do know he started therapy very soon after we met, but I don't know if the therapist is the one who mentioned AS or if this is something that's been on his radar for a long time. It's still early, I guess!