diniesaur
Veteran
Joined: 2 Sep 2011
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 758
Location: in the Ministry of Silly Walks
04 Aug 2013, 9:00 pm
Northeastern292
Veteran
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,159
Location: Brooklyn, NY/Catskills
07 Aug 2013, 4:39 pm
08 Aug 2013, 2:24 am
diniesaur wrote:
I know I'm young, and I certainly know less than a lot of people on here about having a relationship, but I want to share something I've learned.
About a year and a half ago, I was in the same position as a lot of you: I wanted to date someone. I had this idea that I'd automatically love anyone who loved me. My first relationship (which had lasted almost three years) had ended recently, and I wanted so much to have that closeness. I didn't know if I'd ever have it again. I was desperate. But as time passed, I got used to being single. I realized I wasn't mature enough to date anyone; furthermore, I realized that I didn't actually need to date anyone. I didn't want to!
This part of my story is just background and probably mostly irrelevant to you guys. But what I learned from it, I think, is something everyone should know.
#1--If you feel like you can't be happy on your own without dating someone, you probably aren't ready to date.
This was what got me into so much trouble in my first relationship. It's natural to feel like you need to be dating someone else to be happy, but in the end this mindset leaves you more vulnerable to people who would take advantage of you, use you, or abuse you. And if you want it too much, you will be desperate, and people will treat you as such. They won't like you as much or as easily if they know you can't be happy on your own. And it makes sense, doesn't it? If someone can't be happy on his own, how is he going to be able to hold a happy relationship with you too?
#2--If you treat "getting a girlfriend/boyfriend" as a goal, people won't want to date you.
This is the more important of the two things I've learned. People are not just general "things" to seek and get and have, and they don't like it when they feel they're being treated that way. What I mean is, getting "a girlfriend" or "a boyfriend" shouldn't be the goal; it's just not as likely to work. But having specific people who you care for and want to date because they are them (and not just "possible boyfriend/girlfriend candidates") is a good goal because it works much better. People like to feel like you love them for who they are.
I have seen both of these things work in practice. As I started to realize that I didn't want to date, and that I was happy on my own without dating, people somehow started to see me in ways that I never thought were possible. Two males expressed sexual interest in me; one girl tried to set me up with one of her female friends; three males expressed crushes on me; and one more person tried to date me! This is not based on looks; I am extremely ugly! One of the exchanges basically went like this:
Me: I feel like I don't want to date anyone. People keep saying they are 'attracted' to me, but the idea of dating just freaks me out and I end up trying to cut off contact with them!
Crush-having Male: I have a crush on you.
Me: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
(Luckily for me, I did not cut off contact with this person, and we are becoming good friends)
It's crazy, but it works: not being desperate, not caring about "getting a girlfriend" actually makes people more interested. On the other hand, I've seen people who do talk about dating like it's a goal, and people do not take kindly to it, just like they didn't take kindly to it when I did it. It's not just me, or us--even Neurotypicals make this mistake, and it doesn't work for them either!
I've got other (anecdotal) evidence of this as well. One of my best friends decided that he didn't want to date anyone at that point in his life--and then he asked out a girl he had a crush on, and she said yes! She was the exception, not the rule. On the other hand, the kid who asked me to date him three years ago (when I was "desperate") didn't do himself any favors by saying he'd been trying to "get a girlfriend." Some of my other (Neurotypical) acquaintances have had similar experiences; they miss the closeness of relationships so much that even when they do get dates, those relationships would end very quickly. Autistic people don't have the luxury of being able to "fake it" with fancy social skills and flirting. We don't even get a first chance; I've seen that with some of my Autistic friends.
Interesting tip, at least in my experience: when I said things along the lines of "I'm not actively seeking anyone right now, but I guess I'd be open if someone wanted to..." people didn't like me as much as when I (truthfully) said things like "I do NOT want to date anyone right now." I'm not sure if that's Murphy's law or a confidence thing, but whatever.
Since my life is not yours, take this with a grain of salt (as you should with anyone's advice) but I felt like I owed it to the people here to share this. I hope it helps someone.
About a year and a half ago, I was in the same position as a lot of you: I wanted to date someone. I had this idea that I'd automatically love anyone who loved me. My first relationship (which had lasted almost three years) had ended recently, and I wanted so much to have that closeness. I didn't know if I'd ever have it again. I was desperate. But as time passed, I got used to being single. I realized I wasn't mature enough to date anyone; furthermore, I realized that I didn't actually need to date anyone. I didn't want to!
This part of my story is just background and probably mostly irrelevant to you guys. But what I learned from it, I think, is something everyone should know.
#1--If you feel like you can't be happy on your own without dating someone, you probably aren't ready to date.
This was what got me into so much trouble in my first relationship. It's natural to feel like you need to be dating someone else to be happy, but in the end this mindset leaves you more vulnerable to people who would take advantage of you, use you, or abuse you. And if you want it too much, you will be desperate, and people will treat you as such. They won't like you as much or as easily if they know you can't be happy on your own. And it makes sense, doesn't it? If someone can't be happy on his own, how is he going to be able to hold a happy relationship with you too?
#2--If you treat "getting a girlfriend/boyfriend" as a goal, people won't want to date you.
This is the more important of the two things I've learned. People are not just general "things" to seek and get and have, and they don't like it when they feel they're being treated that way. What I mean is, getting "a girlfriend" or "a boyfriend" shouldn't be the goal; it's just not as likely to work. But having specific people who you care for and want to date because they are them (and not just "possible boyfriend/girlfriend candidates") is a good goal because it works much better. People like to feel like you love them for who they are.
I have seen both of these things work in practice. As I started to realize that I didn't want to date, and that I was happy on my own without dating, people somehow started to see me in ways that I never thought were possible. Two males expressed sexual interest in me; one girl tried to set me up with one of her female friends; three males expressed crushes on me; and one more person tried to date me! This is not based on looks; I am extremely ugly! One of the exchanges basically went like this:
Me: I feel like I don't want to date anyone. People keep saying they are 'attracted' to me, but the idea of dating just freaks me out and I end up trying to cut off contact with them!
Crush-having Male: I have a crush on you.
Me: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
(Luckily for me, I did not cut off contact with this person, and we are becoming good friends)
It's crazy, but it works: not being desperate, not caring about "getting a girlfriend" actually makes people more interested. On the other hand, I've seen people who do talk about dating like it's a goal, and people do not take kindly to it, just like they didn't take kindly to it when I did it. It's not just me, or us--even Neurotypicals make this mistake, and it doesn't work for them either!
I've got other (anecdotal) evidence of this as well. One of my best friends decided that he didn't want to date anyone at that point in his life--and then he asked out a girl he had a crush on, and she said yes! She was the exception, not the rule. On the other hand, the kid who asked me to date him three years ago (when I was "desperate") didn't do himself any favors by saying he'd been trying to "get a girlfriend." Some of my other (Neurotypical) acquaintances have had similar experiences; they miss the closeness of relationships so much that even when they do get dates, those relationships would end very quickly. Autistic people don't have the luxury of being able to "fake it" with fancy social skills and flirting. We don't even get a first chance; I've seen that with some of my Autistic friends.
Interesting tip, at least in my experience: when I said things along the lines of "I'm not actively seeking anyone right now, but I guess I'd be open if someone wanted to..." people didn't like me as much as when I (truthfully) said things like "I do NOT want to date anyone right now." I'm not sure if that's Murphy's law or a confidence thing, but whatever.
Since my life is not yours, take this with a grain of salt (as you should with anyone's advice) but I felt like I owed it to the people here to share this. I hope it helps someone.
No one wants to know the secrets, dude. That would leave the community without anything to talk about.
Stick to not knowing - repent of these heresies. That way you'll always be appreciated here on WP.
Have a wonderful life.
nick007
Veteran
Joined: 4 May 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,552
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in capitalistic military dictatorship called USA
09 Aug 2013, 9:57 pm
