Did I just blow it? I'm so confused!

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Okay maybe she might not be a psychomaniac. I probably got caught up in emotion there and maybe using different tones of voice is a sign that she's trying to be discreet, not that she has a split personality (the trouble is my hearing isn't perfect and I couldn't make out everything she said when she talked low).

She probably isn't a psycho. She's nice, she's friendly but I don't really feel that I "like" her. It's pretty rare for me to feel that way about any women. Even ones I'm dating. Maybe such feelings develop over time. It's just that I was kicking myself because... A woman flirting with me like that? That's never happened before and I thought it might never happen again (not to mention the fact that I actually noticed it this time). I'm like Rajesh Koothrappali. I can talk to women okay but I'm like him when it comes to making a move. When I had the slightest suspicion she was hitting on me I should have asked her to the pub immediately but something held me back. After waiting in the food queue I decided this might be the only chance I get in life so I decided I had to force myself and even then I couldn't do it directly. I had to start implying it by talking about pubs and asking what she likes to do on the weekend. So what was this mysterious thing holding me back?

Her age! Not that she was an old hag but when I first saw her I thought she was more likely to befriend my Mum than me. It may seem unlikely that any girl would flirt with me but what made it truly unbelievable was that someone older than me would. I guess on the hand, she's only four years older than me and I'd think nothing of dating a 22 year old. A few months ago I dated a 19 year old. That's a bigger age gap except that it's one that favours me instead of the girl. Does that make me a hypocrite?

I must stress that it's not that I absolutely couldn't date a 30 year old, it's just than I absolutely couldn't accept that she would want to date me. I didn't want to blurt out "hey do you wanna meet up at the pub this Saturday" because I just felt like she would say "silly boy, I'm too old for you".

And in spite of my apparent hypocrisy maybe I really shouldn't be dating a 30 year old. I'm totally green and in maturity I felt like was closer to the 19 year old and she was already less experienced than your average 19 year old girl (no wonder that didn't work out, neither of us wanted to make a move, we just ended up talking about archeology). On the one hand I feel out of my depth with older women (or even women of my own age) but on the other hand, with younger women it can sometimes be a case of the blind leading the blind and then we both lose interest).

And you make a good point about her kids. Admittedly they were actually a lot better behaved than most of the kids I've met but still, I wouldn't want to be stuck raising someone else's kids because I wouldn't even want to be stuck raising my own kids. I'll never have kids! They cost $200,000 each to raise, they deprive you of sleep in the first few months of their lives, they use up all of your spare time, they make it so you can't go out anywhere (kind of wondering how she planned to go on a date when she couldn't afford a sitter), I couldn't handle discipline (how to tell whether I'm being too soft or too harsh, I wouldn't want them to run wild but I wouldn't want to be too mean) and besides I never seek authority due to not trusting my own judgement and not being charismatic enough to boss anyone around and the worst thought is that if I had a kid, he might turn out like me. A little hell raiser as a child and a complete neurotic as an adult (funny how I used to be more confident and better liked by my peers when I was literally a psychopath).

Aww, man.

This age thing. It's stupid. And it's in your head - as it always is with numbers. Four years is nothing to me, and pretty much everyone I've ever dated.

If she said that 'silly boy' comment, why not respond with 'come on, I know you want a toyboy'. Or not. Some sort of come back, rather than playing dead and rolling over.

From what you say - maybe you could do as an above poster said, just be brutally honest. She might take you under her wing for a bit, and you might learn something. It could be possible for you to innocently blunder into a purely physical relationship. She might know what it feels like to be vulnerable and confused, so you never know.

I think you confuse flirting with testing.

If you do get involved, make sure you have a parachute and an exit strategy. My tigersense is tingling on this one.

She had control of the conversation. Even when I was bringing up which pub to go to she kept on changing the conversation even though a few minutes before, that seemed to be what she wanted.



She would. That would probably happen with any woman. I'm too passive because I have too much fear of doing the wrong thing. She would end up initiating everything because I can't read people and couldn't work out when she was ready. I'd need a woman who communicated everything verbally and literally. The only reason I caught onto her act is because she uses the most exaggerated body language I've ever seen and that could be the closest thing I'll ever find to a woman who communicates her desires verbally.



That's it. I am not ready to be with a woman. The only time I will ever be ready is after I have already done it. It's the same with learning anything. When I first got behind the wheel I was a complete road hazard like any Learner driver but only through that could I become a confident driver. But she really is Mount Everest.



I talked to her about it briefly. Now I have to remember what she said. She didn't see the whole thing because I was sitting between the two of them. At first she thought it was nothing but when I explained her body language to Mum she made the obvious conclusion. She didn't know what to make of the "mixed signals" (like talking about having her hair done when I'm trying to work out which pub she wants to go to).

Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 10 Oct 2013, 12:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I wonder just how many people who struggle with dating have poor/virtually no input from their parents.

I'll say this - women tend to pass on ideas to their daughters (and hangups, too). What information do sons get? Generally, sweet fa.

Not very helpful...

I commend you. You are honest, and brave, and you probably have more resources than you realise now. No problem with self-realisation.

Of course, you could make a fun game out of it.... I know what I could do if I was in your shoes - but I'm not sure you'd be morally open to it, right now.

All the information you need is on this thread, and from your observations. As long as you genuinely know what you want, that's the main thing.

Yeah I know. Four years isn't that big a gap it's just that I don't want to admit to myself that I'm 26. In my mind she's 10 years older than me.



I tend to stop at the slightest sign of rejection because with my paranoia I don't want to be accused of harassment. That would explain why I'm sexually passive.



That might be good advice. Better than saying she has borderline personality disorder (although for a while I was convinced this was true).



Yes, probably. I generally get confused about this sort of thing. If she was testing me I must've failed the test.



I thought I'd be happy just to have a girlfriend with a pulse. Now I'm thinking if I'm with one girl, it cuts me off from the others. I'm sure all guys realize this at some point. Usually much younger than me. I was thinking I could just stay with her for a while until my phentermine diet is over. I probably should end up permanently with any woman I meet now because these pills seem to be quite effective and if I can weigh 180 pounds instead of 280 pounds it might put me within reach of girls with more discriminating tastes. "Parachute and exit stratagy"? Please explain what you mean. Doesn't either party retain the option of ending the relationship? Don't normal people sometimes have relationships that last for a few months? But maybe I'll feel to guilty about dumping her. Or maybe I won't want to dump her when there isn't another girl available. But if I wait until there is one, then I look bad.

I hope this isn't making me sound like a womanizer.

Yeah I know. Being raised by a single mother was one thing but even after Dad promised he would give me the mystical dating advice he didn't. He just said he'd forgotten about that conversation.

<Being raised by a feminist Mum and an out-dated Dad has taught me to be both a misogynist and a misandrist. I learned to become a misanthrope by myself and most recently I've discovered the joys of being a misautonist> Joking!




Well thanks! That's the nicest thing I've heard all week. Wikipedia says self-realization is the freedom from cultural influence. Maybe I have this up to a point but not completely. If I did I wouldn't beat myself up so much for being single and I wouldn't be trying to get a better job because without trying to fit in I'd be happy with no job.

Than again I must have a bit of it because I was the only guy in high school who openly liked classical music

Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 10 Oct 2013, 6:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.

No, it's not (womaniser post). People want different things at different stages of their lives.

The parachute and the exit strategy is, as you suspect, your way of ending the relationship.

This 'harassment' thing - come on, credit women with some intelligence. Most of that is your fear of rejection.

Testing isn't always passing or failing. It's learning about you. I can test a lot, which is pretty unusual for a man. I look for cracks, I can ask an awkward question and from a response, I can begin to form a pattern about someone. I won't take one or two things, I'll wait for more than that before getting a clear direction. But then, it depends what I am looking for, and the situation. Testing can also be not saying or not doing something.

You could always adopt the rule, that you're open to dating as many women as possible, and it's only when you have sex with them that you become exclusive.

Yeah, your right. I was just making excuses for my anxiety.

You could benefit greatly from dating an older woman-learn a lot about women in a short time.

Yeah but...not just any older woman. Would you date this woman, based on Retro's posts, and putting yourself into his position?

Okay so I'll ask her out next fortnight. I'll be more blunt although I'm surprised she didn't get my hinting about the pubs when she was hinting a lot her self. I thought that was the way it was supposed to work.

I'm still in awe that any woman would actually flirt with me. Maybe it has something to do with this stuff.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_odor_ ... attraction

Maybe that's why I don't get a second date from internet dating, because we never got to smell each other before meeting. If only dating sites could perform a genetic analysis to ensure that matches have differing immune systems. But that's just science fiction.

Anyway hopefully it won't be too late by then and she doesn't flirt with every guy she meets. Maybe she'll be a bit miffed at me for not asking her out sooner but that's what all the talk of pubs was about. Maybe she really thought I was completely disinterested and there were miscommunications on both sides. Not surprising since we were speaking different languages (figuratively). Perhaps is part of her game to say one thing and signal another thing and guess which one I notice the most. Maybe if she thought I was disinterested she'd be pleasantly surprised to hear otherwise.

I have to admit she did seem pretty nice and might be able to tolerate my flaws. I might be able to tolerate her kids. At least they were well behaved. I just wish she wouldn't speak in riddles. Or do all women do that.

I understand aspie women better but the ones I know are all taken. Not to stereotype but the ones I've known have fallen for the first guy who came along and bonded for life and they seem to have very little affection outside of the bedroom.

Anyway succeed or fail I can look at this as a learning experience.