being asexual and trying to find a partner...

Post Reply New Topic

Unfortunately, the only way you're going to find a long-term partner if you're asexual is if your partner is also asexual, otherwise they'll just get frustrated with the lack of sex. Maybe there a sites on the internet where you can find people who also asexual.

It seems superficial and shallow to me. You can't really know someone after one or two dates.


As a guy there's the additional issue of having to "perform", or risk damaging the womens self-esteem if she thinks you don't want her body enough.


Perhaps I'm just really impatient. I've only been "dating" for a few months.

I don't see why they can't satisfy their physical need for orgasms with a toy or something. It's so dumb and shallow. There most likely aren't enough asexual people who are compatible. It's a numbers game. If I limit myself to a tiny pool my chances are extremely small.

Last edited by marshall on 19 Oct 2013, 5:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

And, sometimes, selfish. My last boyfriend's libido greatly outpaced mine and he used that as an excuse to go out and sleep with other women behind my back. And, I think I will be similarly mismatched with just about any guy I date in the future, so I can empathize with what you are saying. I guess I must be, like, Vulcan or something, but I just don't understand why the world revolves around sex to the extent that it does or why some people take what seems to me to be such a take-no-prisoners approach to seeking gratification.

I was hoping that maybe I wouldn't be at such a disadvantage as the stereotype is that women are less sex-driven than men. Unfortunately that isn't always the case. I just haven't ever had any success getting dates with other asexuals. I can only get dates with sexual women. It also sucks that we're always separated by long distances. Long distance relationships are hard for me.

I think you were addressing marshall there, but if you were addressing me, you wouldn't be off the mark at all. That is an excellent description of what I desire! If someone asked me to describe it I don't think I could have come up with that, but when I read it - that's totally it.

Of course, I also desire physical closeness and, since I'm not asexual, sex as well. It wouldn't be as important to me as the mental connection, but I'm pretty sure that I'd enjoy the physical stuff, too!

To be fair, for many people who are sexual, in fact even most, sex is a way to establish emotional bonds with their partners, it's not just about satisfying urges. That's why it's actually normal for a lot of people to be unable to have long-term relationships without physical intimacy, including sex. I understand your frustration though.

I get that. I just don't like the assumption that being asexual is equated to lacking attraction/love. Its upsetting to feel as though you don't deserve to love someone because you're not good enough at pleasing them in bed. Or the idea that "getting laid" is one of life's rites of passage for a guy. You aren't confident in your "manliness" if you're unable or unwilling jam your dick in one or more bodily orifices of someone else. Is something even insects do really that special?

I really don't understand this at all. What kind of relation-ship do you require that can't be met with a live-in platonic friendship? Do you just need a Mummy? (I am sorry if this sounds offensive, it's not meant to be, but that's how my brain is computing this thing)

Being lonely is an ok reason to want a partner.

Being asexual is going to be a challenge; but it's one you'll have to work at. You aren't the only asexual person in the world.

And people really have no right judging a person for being sexual or asexual. If sex makes you feel good about yourself and your judging people for that, come down off your high horse.

I'd like to say, that just because we don't share the drive of sexual people, that doesn't mean their feelings are any less valid. They're not stupid for wanting only a relationship with sex, they're just running on a completely different operating system, so to speak. It also, also someone else has said, doesn't seem to just be a physical need that can be satisfied with a toy. There is more to it than that, and we really can't judge.



There are also different types of love. What I was referring to that my mother was experiencing was pretty much a straight shot of feel-good chemicals. Also, it's not a perfect explanation, but I think the triangular theory of love does provide a good starting point for understanding the concept of there being different types of love (all of which are quite valid).





I can't speak for marshall, but personally, a live-in platonic friend isn't quite enough for me. At least, not on a life long scale (for a few years, though, it was still great). For starters, one of the issues aces tend to face is the issue of time. With the romantic relationship label comes unspoken privileges or rights to another person's time. It didn't matter how close my roommate and I were (and we were very close), as soon as her boyfriend wanted to spend time with her, he got it. Unfortunately for me, it didn't work the other way around, so even though I technically lived with her, at points in their relationship I only got an actual conversation with her about once a week. Not a big issue, because I wasn't looking for a relationship (and after I had gone a while without seeing her she would generally make a point to hang out with me), but I can see that becoming an issue in any long-term arrangement. Also, like marshall said, cuddles are appreciated. And live-in platonic friends might not be so comfortable with that.



Yeah, it's going to take a lot more time than that...but that's normal.

I'm not on a "high horse". I have nothing against sex. I'm just sick of being invalidated like I just was by the person above you. You can't honestly get it without having to walk a mile in my shoes. Just be happy you're normal and leave me alone. Lucky you.

I don't have a problem with compromise. I can try medication. I just have a problem with shallow/insecure women who think I don't love them if I don't get hard enough.

I only invalidate them because I'm sick of having my feelings invalidated. If they're in the majority they can suck it up. They have 99.9% of humanity to commiserate with.

^^There are women that won't judge you about that,I would think that some would rather be cuddled than have sex.

That's exactly the problem. A roommate will never be the same. If I reach the desired level of intimacy with a female roommate it will become something more than platonic. If she has another romantic partner it will become awkward. It just doesn't work the way things are set up in our society. Also, I already have parents, so the wanting a mommy comment is ridiculous.

OK, sorry, I just didn't understand how you feel (and still don't) but appreciate that the proposed options aren't what you want.

Hope you find what you are looking for.