Anyone else confused about whether they want to be alone?

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It's possible to find someone who feels the same way you do.

I'm the same way as you, and when I became close friends with a guy who I suspect was on the spectrum too, we got along so well because we were the same when it came to interaction.

He'd stay at my house the whole weekend but it went as follows:

1. He and I would hang out together playing video games or whatever it was for 4-6 hours.

2. Take a break from each other for 4-6 hours. (He'd go in my basement where we had a guest room and watch TV or play games by himself and I'd do the same in my room upstairs)

3. Commence hanging out together again


And it repeated like that. That's whenever he came to stay at my parents' house.

As for other people, they've learned to get adjusted to my let's-be-around-each-other-in-spurts kind of mode. If they don't, I don't want to hang out with them at all because I know every time I do I'll be bombarded with too much social stimulation.

I like being alone since I like having my time to do what I want. The biggest concern I have in a live-in relationship is I would bet she would hate it when I go in my room and play video games for six hours. Seriously, I would have to have my "cave" where I can go to get away. I need "me" time. And generally that means alone with no one else around.

But, being alone stinks because then I get lonely and depressed. I start thinking that no one wants me or something. I get all negative pretty much. And it is hard to shake it. I have to find things to occupy my time so I do not dwell on it. Alone I still have to take care of sexual needs. I am unable to live without any form of sexual activity. But that also brings with it a reminder of how lonely I am and I feel like crap about it sometimes. Like I have to do this by myself, what a loser i am.

I just do not know anymore. My life right now seems to have no purpose. I feel completely nihilistic and pessimistic. No purpose to being here except to exist. What kind of life is that. Yeah I got my interests that I generally enjoy on my own at least right now. Luckily my interests are music and video games and there are lots of people that are into those things. I can generally make connections with people easily because my interests are more mainstream than odd aspie interests. But I do have a tendency to know way more about video games and music than your average NT. I am somewhat obsessive and odd to normal people because of the intensity of my interest. I am mainly into punk music of any kind so that also means I need to find people that are accepting of my style of dress. I like the clothing styles of punk as well as goth. And I just think women that are into that or dress that way are hot. The way into my heart is to like what I like. lol. That turns me on. I mean if a women can go into detail about a game I am into or talk about a band I like or even gets excited about them. I would write songs for that woman telling her how I feel. I like to write poems when I am into somebody and the last girl I was with loved my poems. So yeah I am a very romantic person. I like sappy love. lol.

I mean if this tells you anything, I like video games so much I decided to get a job as an artist in the video game industry. Because I like everything about games even how they are made and I just love the creativity of it. And my dreams are coming true because I was able to graduate with a bachelor of science degree in Game Art and Design. Now it is just the process of trying to get a job in that field. The harder part is getting the job. Getting the degree was a long road but quite easy.

Odd because even with a degree I still feel like life has no purpose. I am in a funk and maybe it is because I just lost a relationship with a woman I still kind of have feelings for. I feel betrayed in some way. Like how could she do this to me. But I know the relationship was a nightmare and needed to end for both of our sanity. In the end staying with her would of been extremely selfish on my part. She also held on for too long to the notion that things would get better. But I did as well.