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The_Face_of_Boo
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30 Oct 2013, 5:43 am

Ferrus91 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
[whispering] because, like a lot of aspie males, he had been single for too long, that's why he's trying best with this one, why else do you think?

It is kind of more interesting that the question was asked in the first place... I don't think it is obvious to many on the outside when it comes to this quite how it often feels there is a complete lack of choice for many aspies. That's kind of the crux of a lot of my issues with advice about this - a lot of it seems based on a myth of infinite plasticity of personality/neurology without a recognition of the basic limits of that person in question, because neurological disorders don't seem 'real'. Imagine a a blind person asking the same kind of questions - their limitations about the kind of relationships they could seek would be fairly evident to anyone who cared to look.


When one has only one apple in the basket you're gonna eat it if you're starving even if it's half rotten - but if it's full of apples you would naturally pick the best one. Many aspie males face the one-apple problem, why else do you think the threads "I got a message on okc" / "somone replied to me on okc", "the person I am chatting with on okc" always by males? Why else males give that loud fuss when someone on dating site messages/replies them, and make threads about the incidents, follows ups, and analyzing the delays and replies and the like? It's because of the lack and rarity of choices, that's why.
How many female users you see who did such threads? Zero, that's why they'll never understand why a male would try that hard with girl half-compatible

I am not PC at all here, that's why I am not raising my voice.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 30 Oct 2013, 5:46 am, edited 4 times in total.

Shau
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30 Oct 2013, 5:44 am

Kjas wrote:
I gotta ask shau - why are you with a woman who isn't going to deal with conflicts and misunderstandings in a mature, calm and direct manner? Apart from general compatibility and attraction, feelings etc the test of most relationships is a lack of conflict resolution skills. It's probably also the reason many of them, even good ones, fail.

Im asking because you seem like a pretty smart guy who wouldn't usually be the type to overlook this fact.


The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
[whispering] because, like a lot of aspie males, he had been single for too long, that's why he's trying best with this one, why else do you think?


:wink:

At the end of the day, successful or not this relationship stands to teach me a lot, including what NOT to do when or if I make it to the next one. As for why I'm bothering? What I just said, and the fact that she can perhaps take the chance to learn better from me.

yellowtamarin wrote:
Shau wrote:
...on top of all the normal pitfalls of relationships.

Sorry, this is probably off-topic, but, what?


That must be one amazing rock given you've apparently never come out from underneath it before...

...which is what I would have said if I didn't have prior knowledge of the fact that you've been in relationships before, and should know all about the kinds of problems that can crop up in them.

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I am not PC at all here, that's why I am not raising my voice.


Social gadflies have never been popular, have they? But alas we need them.



Solvejg
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30 Oct 2013, 5:49 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Ferrus91 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
[whispering] because, like a lot of aspie males, he had been single for too long, that's why he's trying best with this one, why else do you think?

It is kind of more interesting that the question was asked in the first place... I don't think it is obvious to many on the outside when it comes to this quite how it often feels there is a complete lack of choice for many aspies. That's kind of the crux of a lot of my issues with advice about this - a lot of it seems based on a myth of infinite plasticity of personality/neurology without a recognition of the basic limits of that person in question, because neurological disorders don't seem 'real'. Imagine a a blind person asking the same kind of questions - their limitations about the kind of relationships they could seek would be fairly evident to anyone who cared to look.


When one has only one apple in the basket you're gonna eat it if you're starving even if it's half rotten - but it's full of apple you would naturally pick the best one. Many aspie males face the one-apple problem, why else do you think the threads "I got a message on okc" / "somone replied to me on okc", "the person I am chatting with on okc" always by males? Why else males give that loud fuss when someone on dating site messages/replies them, and make threads about the incidents, follows ups, and analyzing the delays and replies and the like? It's because of the lack rarity of choices, that's why.
How many female users you see who did such threads? Zero, that's why they'll never understand why a male would try with girl half-compatible


This comes back to the OP. Basically guys look past all that stuff and if they see a person they like, they will give them a shot whereas a girl will tend to go discuss her potential partner with her girlfriends and they will give their "opinions" then guys try to fit in with these "opinions" to get a date.

With all the guys i know, they look past their mate dating someone less attractive if they can cook/ are smart/ treat their mate nice/ are a nerd blah blah blah. but girls will nit pick all the little faults in a man and ultimately drive men to try to conform or be dateless.


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Shau
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30 Oct 2013, 5:50 am

^ This is the part where I'm hoping the PUA brigade doesn't rush in with "ZOMG SEE A WOMAN ADMITZ IT!!"



The_Face_of_Boo
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30 Oct 2013, 5:52 am

Solvejg wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Ferrus91 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
[whispering] because, like a lot of aspie males, he had been single for too long, that's why he's trying best with this one, why else do you think?

It is kind of more interesting that the question was asked in the first place... I don't think it is obvious to many on the outside when it comes to this quite how it often feels there is a complete lack of choice for many aspies. That's kind of the crux of a lot of my issues with advice about this - a lot of it seems based on a myth of infinite plasticity of personality/neurology without a recognition of the basic limits of that person in question, because neurological disorders don't seem 'real'. Imagine a a blind person asking the same kind of questions - their limitations about the kind of relationships they could seek would be fairly evident to anyone who cared to look.


When one has only one apple in the basket you're gonna eat it if you're starving even if it's half rotten - but it's full of apple you would naturally pick the best one. Many aspie males face the one-apple problem, why else do you think the threads "I got a message on okc" / "somone replied to me on okc", "the person I am chatting with on okc" always by males? Why else males give that loud fuss when someone on dating site messages/replies them, and make threads about the incidents, follows ups, and analyzing the delays and replies and the like? It's because of the lack rarity of choices, that's why.
How many female users you see who did such threads? Zero, that's why they'll never understand why a male would try with girl half-compatible


This comes back to the OP. Basically guys look past all that stuff and if they see a person they like, they will give them a shot whereas a girl will tend to go discuss her potential partner with her girlfriends and they will give their "opinions" then guys try to fit in with these "opinions" to get a date.

With all the guys i know, they look past their mate dating someone less attractive if they can cook/ are smart/ treat their mate nice/ are a nerd blah blah blah. but girls will nit pick all the little faults in a man and ultimately drive men to try to conform or be dateless.


Typically...true.

Wow, that's very true, you nailed it, Solvejg.



The_Face_of_Boo
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30 Oct 2013, 5:58 am

An example about nitpicking small faults, yesterday I was having a conversation with a girl complaining to me about her bf she just dumped, she basically dumped him because of the first "stupid" birthday gift he got for her, it was a t-shirt (she called it a hideous shirt but I didn't see it). She said he wasn't considerate about what things she likes.

I am totally sure that no guy would break up with his gf because of a shirt gift!



Solvejg
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30 Oct 2013, 6:05 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Solvejg wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Ferrus91 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
[whispering] because, like a lot of aspie males, he had been single for too long, that's why he's trying best with this one, why else do you think?

It is kind of more interesting that the question was asked in the first place... I don't think it is obvious to many on the outside when it comes to this quite how it often feels there is a complete lack of choice for many aspies. That's kind of the crux of a lot of my issues with advice about this - a lot of it seems based on a myth of infinite plasticity of personality/neurology without a recognition of the basic limits of that person in question, because neurological disorders don't seem 'real'. Imagine a a blind person asking the same kind of questions - their limitations about the kind of relationships they could seek would be fairly evident to anyone who cared to look.


When one has only one apple in the basket you're gonna eat it if you're starving even if it's half rotten - but it's full of apple you would naturally pick the best one. Many aspie males face the one-apple problem, why else do you think the threads "I got a message on okc" / "somone replied to me on okc", "the person I am chatting with on okc" always by males? Why else males give that loud fuss when someone on dating site messages/replies them, and make threads about the incidents, follows ups, and analyzing the delays and replies and the like? It's because of the lack rarity of choices, that's why.
How many female users you see who did such threads? Zero, that's why they'll never understand why a male would try with girl half-compatible


This comes back to the OP. Basically guys look past all that stuff and if they see a person they like, they will give them a shot whereas a girl will tend to go discuss her potential partner with her girlfriends and they will give their "opinions" then guys try to fit in with these "opinions" to get a date.

With all the guys i know, they look past their mate dating someone less attractive if they can cook/ are smart/ treat their mate nice/ are a nerd blah blah blah. but girls will nit pick all the little faults in a man and ultimately drive men to try to conform or be dateless.


Typically...true.

Wow, that's very true, you nailed it, Solvejg.


This also feeds into why aspie girls tend to get dates but be abused. They don't conform to the normal standards of selecting a partner based on other girls opinions. However they also have very low ability to select a partner that is accepting of their quirks. The man tends to listen to the other girls in his life and has this view that all girls should be xyz and then tries to pidgenhole the aspie girl into this category.

Aspie men and women both have huge challenges with dating and really there is no answer except to keep yourself out there and hope the right person will come along.

I think Shau has the right idea in that he is giving this woman a decent shot and accepts she is not perfect and knows that even if the relationship does not work out, he has at least improved himself. :D


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yellowtamarin
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30 Oct 2013, 6:07 am

Shau wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
Shau wrote:
...on top of all the normal pitfalls of relationships.

Sorry, this is probably off-topic, but, what?


That must be one amazing rock given you've apparently never come out from underneath it before...

...which is what I would have said if I didn't have prior knowledge of the fact that you've been in relationships before, and should know all about the kinds of problems that can crop up in them.

Hmm, not really. In a healthy relationship, I can't think of many (if any) "normal pitfalls" that crop up in the first few months. Things tend to be pretty damn sweet. Perhaps a few differences come up that you talk about or whatever, but I'd hardly call that "all the normal pitfalls".

This is enlightening. But I might just be misunderstanding what you mean. Anyway, carry on back to the topic :)



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30 Oct 2013, 6:11 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Ferrus91 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
[whispering] because, like a lot of aspie males, he had been single for too long, that's why he's trying best with this one, why else do you think?

It is kind of more interesting that the question was asked in the first place... I don't think it is obvious to many on the outside when it comes to this quite how it often feels there is a complete lack of choice for many aspies. That's kind of the crux of a lot of my issues with advice about this - a lot of it seems based on a myth of infinite plasticity of personality/neurology without a recognition of the basic limits of that person in question, because neurological disorders don't seem 'real'. Imagine a a blind person asking the same kind of questions - their limitations about the kind of relationships they could seek would be fairly evident to anyone who cared to look.


When one has only one apple in the basket you're gonna eat it if you're starving even if it's half rotten - but if it's full of apples you would naturally pick the best one. Many aspie males face the one-apple problem, why else do you think the threads "I got a message on okc" / "somone replied to me on okc", "the person I am chatting with on okc" always by males? Why else males give that loud fuss when someone on dating site messages/replies them, and make threads about the incidents, follows ups, and analyzing the delays and replies and the like? It's because of the lack and rarity of choices, that's why.
How many female users you see who did such threads? Zero, that's why they'll never understand why a male would try that hard with girl half-compatible

I am not PC at all here, that's why I am not raising my voice.



A lot of aspie women don't post here because it's not safe, supportive or helpful. Most of us who need help post of women's relationship forums where we know we will actually receive advice options and support instead of trolling and constant. Invalidation or denial. I know that cause I used to be on one and we used to get a disproportionate amount of aspie women on them considering the statics they occur IRL vs the net.


And I wish you luck Shau - but honestly it sounds like a headache waiting to happen at very least when she's already disrespecting you like that.


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Ferrus91
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30 Oct 2013, 6:19 am

Solvejg wrote:
With all the guys i know, they look past their mate dating someone less attractive if they can cook/ are smart/ treat their mate nice/ are a nerd blah blah blah. but girls will nit pick all the little faults in a man and ultimately drive men to try to conform or be dateless.

And yeah, that's sort of my point. A lot of aspies can't conform, even if they wanted to, and typically have a few friends who are also not conformers. To actually go out with an aspie, even ignoring the social aspect, would essentially degrade the social stock, or social position of a lot of women, whereas for men the actual social background of whomever he is out with is not really a matter of concern to his friends. Which is again why I find so much advice directed at aspies is misinformed - as long as you are aspie chances are you do not fit naturally well into your culture's social hierarchy, and are always going to be socio-psychological something of an outsider, and thus essentially unattractive. This doesn't seem particularly fixable either. Your best hope is to try to find girls who are not conformist and/or outside that social value system, which is harder because I would say that genetically (thanks to the stabilising effect of two X chromosones) women genetically have a tendency not to display the sort of genetic abnormalities that place you there.



Last edited by Ferrus91 on 30 Oct 2013, 6:24 am, edited 3 times in total.

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30 Oct 2013, 6:20 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
An example about nitpicking small faults, yesterday I was having a conversation with a girl complaining to me about her bf she just dumped, she basically dumped him because of the first "stupid" birthday gift he got for her, it was a t-shirt (she called it a hideous shirt but I didn't see it). She said he wasn't considerate about what things she likes.

I am totally sure that no guy would break up with his gf because of a shirt gift!

A guy would even wear that shirt proudly and fend of all the comments he would get from his friends.



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30 Oct 2013, 6:22 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
An example about nitpicking small faults, yesterday I was having a conversation with a girl complaining to me about her bf she just dumped, she basically dumped him because of the first "stupid" birthday gift he got for her, it was a t-shirt (she called it a hideous shirt but I didn't see it). She said he wasn't considerate about what things she likes.

I am totally sure that no guy would break up with his gf because of a shirt gift!


I'm finding your smaller writing very hard to read. :D

Now the girl, just because she told you that, doesn't mean it's the only reason. It could have been the tip of the iceberg. Would she had told you something really personal?

If someone did something on repeated occasions that indicated they didn't really think about me, and I was sure that wasn't down to a misunderstanding or communication problems, then that would be it for me.

I think the danger is making nit-picking into something bigger than it is. Many women can see like being with a man training a dog - the nit-picking is just a part of that. Or just testing to see how the relationship is going along. How the man deals with it is something that he can control - if he makes a hash of it, there will probably be a lot more to come!



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30 Oct 2013, 6:23 am

Stalk wrote:
A guy would even wear that shirt proudly and fend of all the comments he would get from his friends.


Really? If it was done as a joke, yes. Otherwise, I certainly wouldn't wear it. In fact, I'd eat it sooner than wear it. And I know I'm not alone on this. Is that the way the majority of men would act?



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30 Oct 2013, 6:26 am

Kjas wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Ferrus91 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
[whispering] because, like a lot of aspie males, he had been single for too long, that's why he's trying best with this one, why else do you think?

It is kind of more interesting that the question was asked in the first place... I don't think it is obvious to many on the outside when it comes to this quite how it often feels there is a complete lack of choice for many aspies. That's kind of the crux of a lot of my issues with advice about this - a lot of it seems based on a myth of infinite plasticity of personality/neurology without a recognition of the basic limits of that person in question, because neurological disorders don't seem 'real'. Imagine a a blind person asking the same kind of questions - their limitations about the kind of relationships they could seek would be fairly evident to anyone who cared to look.


When one has only one apple in the basket you're gonna eat it if you're starving even if it's half rotten - but if it's full of apples you would naturally pick the best one. Many aspie males face the one-apple problem, why else do you think the threads "I got a message on okc" / "somone replied to me on okc", "the person I am chatting with on okc" always by males? Why else males give that loud fuss when someone on dating site messages/replies them, and make threads about the incidents, follows ups, and analyzing the delays and replies and the like? It's because of the lack and rarity of choices, that's why.
How many female users you see who did such threads? Zero, that's why they'll never understand why a male would try that hard with girl half-compatible

I am not PC at all here, that's why I am not raising my voice.



A lot of aspie women don't post here because it's not safe, supportive or helpful. Most of us who need help post of women's relationship forums where we know we will actually receive advice options and support instead of trolling and constant. Invalidation or denial. I know that cause I used to be on one and we used to get a disproportionate amount of aspie women on them considering the statics they occur IRL vs the net.



Show me a thread "a guy messaged/replied me on a dating site" started by girl.



Solvejg
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30 Oct 2013, 6:29 am

octobertiger wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
An example about nitpicking small faults, yesterday I was having a conversation with a girl complaining to me about her bf she just dumped, she basically dumped him because of the first "stupid" birthday gift he got for her, it was a t-shirt (she called it a hideous shirt but I didn't see it). She said he wasn't considerate about what things she likes.

I am totally sure that no guy would break up with his gf because of a shirt gift!


I'm finding your smaller writing very hard to read. :D

Now the girl, just because she told you that, doesn't mean it's the only reason. It could have been the tip of the iceberg. Would she had told you something really personal?

If someone did something on repeated occasions that indicated they didn't really think about me, and I was sure that wasn't down to a misunderstanding or communication problems, then that would be it for me.

I think the danger is making nit-picking into something bigger than it is. Many women can see like being with a man training a dog - the nit-picking is just a part of that. Or just testing to see how the relationship is going along. How the man deals with it is something that he can control - if he makes a hash of it, there will probably be a lot more to come!


This is exactly what i was getting at. This is really degrading to men. :(


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30 Oct 2013, 6:32 am

octobertiger wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
An example about nitpicking small faults, yesterday I was having a conversation with a girl complaining to me about her bf she just dumped, she basically dumped him because of the first "stupid" birthday gift he got for her, it was a t-shirt (she called it a hideous shirt but I didn't see it). She said he wasn't considerate about what things she likes.

I am totally sure that no guy would break up with his gf because of a shirt gift!


I'm finding your smaller writing very hard to read. :D

Now the girl, just because she told you that, doesn't mean it's the only reason. It could have been the tip of the iceberg. Would she had told you something really personal?

If someone did something on repeated occasions that indicated they didn't really think about me, and I was sure that wasn't down to a misunderstanding or communication problems, then that would be it for me.

I think the danger is making nit-picking into something bigger than it is. Many women can see like being with a man training a dog - the nit-picking is just a part of that. Or just testing to see how the relationship is going along. How the man deals with it is something that he can control - if he makes a hash of it, there will probably be a lot more to come!


She was telling me so many personal details so I highly doubt she would omit the other reasons. Why wouldn't I believe what she literally said?