Request for n00b dating advice: approaching a very shy girl

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Well, kind of, because there won't be rehearsals from February to April.

I'm acting on a rather rational basis here. I haven't "fallen in love" with her or anything; I've merely noticed that for the first time in years, I've found someone whose social behavior seems compatible with mine, and that's... fascinating, so I think I should do something, but "something" doesn't necessarily imply dating her. As I already mentioned, she may be too young anyway (my limit is somewhere around 21), and I still hardly know her.

In fact, we have a little more than 10 minutes per week because we're usually both 15 minutes early for the rehearsal, which adds up to 25 minutes. So next time, I'll just try asking some harmless questions about her studies and interests and see how she reacts – I might also get an estimation of her age that way.

It seems like she is already becoming a member of my "circle of friends" (that word makes it sound larger than it is...), which is a good thing because it means that we can do things together out of rehearsals without the one-on-one awkwardness.

You have talked to her once. Talk to her again and begin to speak to her at every rehearsal. Maybe start bringing a cup of coffee or one of those Starbucks coffee drinks in the bottle from the grocery store with the screw on cap so you can take it in with you. Ask casually during a conversation if she likes coffee, or the kind of drink you have. If she does then bring her one also next time. If not, ask her what she does like and bring her one. When you give it to her say "See, my mother is wrong. I could remember my head if it wasn't screwed on. I remembered you said you liked this and picked one up for you" and see how she reacts. If it's positive or neutral, bring her one next time too. If not, don't do that but still try to engage her in conversation.

Since you have till Feb, set a goal to maybe do something together near Christmas. Since ya'll both obviously like music, how about a concert of Christmas music? Maybe find a theater or some place that's playing the Charlie Brown Christmas tv special and invite her to it. Tell her it's fun to watch it cause it reminds you of being a kid. It's also short so you don't have to hang out together very long. Find out if she has Skype or something like that and see if you can work some suggestion about rehearsing a part or something on there and wanting to know what she thinks of it, etc. Find some little way to connect with her. Work slowly then and go from there.

I'd seriously try the coffee thing though. That's a good one.

Sorry, I didn't have an opportunity to talk to her this week.

I'm wondering... I can't tell if I "like" her and I don't know if she likes me. Right now, she just happens to be the only girl I know who is not completely out of my league, while I'm the only person in the orchestra who doesn't ignore her. Doesn't sound like a sufficient basis for a relationship, but we'll see.

OK, time for an update.

Things are going... slowly... very slowly. Before the rehearsal, the only thing I managed to ask her was in what year of study she was. She's in her second year, so, good news, she's probably not a teenager any more.

During the break, she first kept sitting on her chair, and I didn't have the courage to walk up to her, so I started talking with my friends, occasionally glimpsing at her. After a few minutes, she finally joined us by herself, but she didn't say anything, and the break was almost over.

I really have no idea what to do now. My problem with human communication is that when I'm supposed to socialize, I start talking about math. She seems to be interested in math, too, and she seems to be a real nerd, so it's not exactly a problem; but in order to get to know someone, it's sometimes necessary to talk about personal things.

I don't want to do anything that falls into the "hitting on her" section, but I guess that at some point, I have to say things which may indicate that I could be interested in her. I'm very uncomfortable asking people about their private lives because I know it's dangerous, but it seems like I have to.

It's not like one-on-one is going to work any time soon, so should I maybe try to get her to join us when I meet up with my friends? It's a bit of a problem because my place is too small for meeting up in a group, so I can't just invite my friends plus her (that would be too easy, right).


EDIT: Why didn't I write this down in the first place? Probably because it seems so embarrassing. One of the things I'm paranoid about is my friends' and my environment's reaction if they notice something might be going on. Why? I have no idea. We're adults and I trust them, so there is no reason. If they knew about my intentions, I think they could help me a lot. Maybe it's because years of bad experiences have taught me not to show any kind of emotions to anyone, and I'm quite good at acting like a "math zombie".

Just be patient and take your time. You seem to be overthinking too much.

There is a rather quiet girl who is the string personnel manager for an orchestra I sub in. She is also a cellist like me and its a smaller orchestra with only 4 cellos. Still I have known her a while and we are starting to really open up to one another. Learning to communicate between the two of you will take time, and you may or may not drift towards each other, and then you can ask her to go to lunch after rehearsal or something. I wouldn't worry about expressing your feelings too early. Though I have been delaying for a different reason. Just make sure you can stay in contact with her.

I know I think too much. But I don't have any kind of intuition for situations like this, so it's the only way for me to figure things out.


Erm...

I notice that she is kind of approaching me, too. But at this rate, it will literally take years.

I think the problem here is she is just shy. She would probably be ok if you talked to her, but she simply won't do it first.
Give her the impression you're a good guy.

That's what I'm trying to do, yes.

But at the moment, I really have no idea how. I'm not capable of any kind of smalltalk, and she doesn't seem much better at it, either. She often says things which are objectively correct but don't fit in the conversation. So I think she is more than simply shy – it seems possible that she has AS.

Today, she talked to the other viola players instead of me. Well, that's a good thing to do, and they are certainly more entertaining than me...

I'm hoping that she will join our private winter orchestra project; if I play the viola there, I can sit next to her. But that's very far-fetched. There must be an easier way.

Personally, I get turned off when guys make small talk, and turned on when guys talk math.

"Hey girl, do you know about Sobolev spaces?"

Like this?

Weekly update: I talked to her. It was awkward, but she seemed friendly (as usually). That's a tiny bit of progress, I think.

It's always like this: I ask a question, she responds, and then there is awkward silence. I think of something else, she responds, awkward silence again. Damn it.

Maybe it requires a less pressuring context. If things work out, I will sit next to her during the rehearsals in spring. Plus, I'm trying to make my friends suspicious by mentioning her name in front of them (I still don't have the guts to talk to them outright).

Did I say "damn it" already? Anyway...

What is the right thing to say when you see someone but you have no idea what to talk about? I guess "how are you" is a good start, but somehow, I was too anxious to do this today.

Now I won't see her for 3 weeks, but I hereby promise I will ask her something like "how are you" next time. Does that sound like a good idea?

xD

Yes, a wie geht's would be nice

I'm in general not sure about what you can do from now on. Especially if you've been asking questions already. When she is there as part of a group, does she ever say anything on her own? Reminds me of a very shy girl that was part of my delegation at a conference. We exchanged a couple words and two small conversations, but she didn't really provide enough information about herself to really be able to talk about something. The people who talked with her more either knew her already or were the ultra-social type.

All in all, does it look as if she is making effort to connect with the rest of you? It looks like she does, as she is approaching your group and stuff. But I wonder if it is enough.

Do you know how long has she been playing in the band? Why does she play in a band instead of doing something else? What does she feel when she plays music? (I also wonder, if I asked those questions to you Vectorspace, would you have something to say? Any topics you talk passionately about?)

Now that you say it in German, it seems even more awkward.
(Somehow, I can talk much more frankly in English – I think it's because my choice of words in English is based on reasoning rather than emotions, and I'm so much better at reasoning...)


No, almost never – I told you, she is very shy. She sometimes tries to take part in group conversations, but she doesn't seem comfortable at it.


Well, yes, she is trying, but she as about as socially awkward as myself (which is why I think it's not that unlikely that she has AS). I'm just better at hiding my social awkwardness in certain situations (but it shows in others, like this one), and unlike her, I already have friends in the orchestra.


In this one? About 2 months.


I hardly know more than her name (!), her major and her year of study.

Whenever I ask a question, she answers in a friendly but objective manner, so "the ice doesn't break", and I don't manage to initiate a back-and-forth conversation.

Some ideas:
--Ask her how her day is/was
--Depending on time of the week, ask if she did anything over the weekend or if she has any plans for the upcoming weekend. Talk about what you did or your plans also.
--It's the holiday season, ask about her vacation plans! See if she is doing anything exciting over the holiday season!
--If the weather has been out of the ordinary, you can talk about that (but otherwise I'd steer clear of weather conversations!)
--If you saw a funny or interesting story on the news you can ask if she heard about it
--Talk to her about something from a previous conversation. For example, say she mentioned that she was going to try a new restaurant...ask her how she liked it, when she went, and go from there.
--You're in school, so you can always ask how her classes are going

I mention all those ideas because if all you say is "how are you?"...she will say "good, and you?", and you will say "good", and then the conversation is over as quickly as it began. It's good to always have a few go-to conversation topics so that you aren't stuck thinking of what to say. I usually have the above topics ready in my mind, so that I can easily have a 10min+ conversation with anyone I know if the need presents itself.

And based on your last reply, you may have to take charge of the conversation a bit if you want to get to know her better. For example, you said you know her name and her major and not much else. Ask her why she decided to major in what she's majoring in, ask what she plans to do with the degree when she gets out, ask her how she enjoys her major and the classes involved. The only way you'll get to know her is by talking to her and asking questions!

Yes, that's exactly what is going to happen if I start like this.


I hesitate a bit because when I get asked such questions myself, it's usually by annoying extroverts, and I'm so bad at talking about my feelings and aspirations. So I'm not sure if I should bring her into a situation in which I wouldn't be comfortable if I was in her position.

Maybe if I change the question into what topics she is specifically interested in, does it still fit the idea? The idea is that I want to start a factual discussion with a bit of personal content.