How to: Date aspie women

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I was a bit worried early on because you mentioned the (lack of) importance of penis size, having never had sex (so you can't guarantee that wouldn't be important...even if it is most likely that it wouldn't be), but then you raised pretty good points.

You have kinda intertwined what YOU want with what ANY aspie woman might want - I like how you separated the two in parts of your post, but your final list at the end narrowed it down too much, I think. There are a high number of aspies who do not want the things in point 4. I'd have left it at points 1 and 2, which are good points.

"Just be YOU, and attract those who are looking for YOU."

The first difficulty in dating an aspie woman is to find her at first, then we hope she doesn't turn out to be completely crazy.

The most important thing is that he doesn't play a role to make me happy. He simply has to be himself, and when I know who he really is, I'll decide whether I like him. If he plays a role, I'll quit immediately - that shows he's desperate, and if he's desperate, it might be because a lot of women rejected his advances in the past. If other women think he's a jerk, there might be some truth to it - YES, guys, that's how tough us dear little princesses really are! And how can I trust someone who doesn't show their true Self? Personally, I won't go into a relationship with a guy just because he's lonely; if other women couldn't stand him, what are the chances I can?

I'm a 21-year old formally diagnosed aspie woman.

Well, guys, I might get somewhat tough here when describing how I (and perhaps other aspie women too) think and act when it comes to relationships. There'll be some unpleasant truths you'll have to realize if you haven't already - but don't worry, at some point aspie women have to realize some tough stuff about men (aspie and NT) too!

Sometimes, it seems like men think dating a woman works more or less like a porn movie. It doesn't!

In a porn movie:

1. Man meets woman.
2. Man makes eye contact.
3. They have hardcore sex on the kitchen floor.

In reality, it is a lot more complex. So far, I haven't been in a relationship, and I haven't had sex - that's because I, for the sake of everyone, am careful to choose the right guy; so far I simply haven't found him.

But who is the right guy? Well... That's complicated. There is NO formula for who is Mr. Right, at least not in my mind. However, it only depends little on his looks, and the size of his penis doesn't matter at all. I'm a woman, not a female chimp, and it does take a lot more than a big penis to impress me.

Commercials and films make it seem like women want a certain "type"; the big macho John Wayne, the mysterious Edward Cullen or perhaps a cool businessman? No, sorry to say, but it doesn't work like that. Girls and women might be fans of Twilight, they might make romantic fanfics with Edward Cullen, kiss their pillow while imagining it was Edward Cullen, talk all the time about how sexy and beautiful Edward Cullen is - yet Edward Cullen isn't their dream guy. He's a fantasy. It's like: Would you want to be married to a pornstar? I mean, really? No? Well, women feel the same way!

But who DOES an aspie woman want? A sexy guy? A romantic guy? A manly guy? Erm... Personally, I just want a nice, normal guy. The guy I would dream of being in a relationship with (instead of just find sexy) would be friendly, nice, respectful, mature, responsible, aaand... Natural. Yes, it's true! The most important thing is that he doesn't play a role to make me happy. He simply has to be himself, and when I know who he really is, I'll decide whether I like him. If he plays a role, I'll quit immediately - that shows he's desperate, and if he's desperate, it might be because a lot of women rejected his advances in the past. If other women think he's a jerk, there might be some truth to it - YES, guys, that's how tough us dear little princesses really are! And how can I trust someone who doesn't show their true Self? Personally, I won't go into a relationship with a guy just because he's lonely; if other women couldn't stand him, what are the chances I can? And, another important point: I want to start a relationship with a guy I like and who likes me; it's way too fragile to built a relationship on pity. Sorry, but I have to protect myself, guys; that's the way it is!

So, Mr. Right is... Different for all women. Women prefer different things, and there's no how-to guide that covers all women; I haven't ever seen a single dating guide that covered even one woman. However, unless she doesn't really love you, she doesn't want a "type" - she wants a person, a whole and complete person with strengths and weaknesses. That's where the "how to make women love you"-guides go wrong; no, unless she doesn't actually love you, she doesn't care about the size of your penis, how smooth-talking you are or anything. Okay, some women might care about whether or not he likes Nike shoes, but for me, that's not what love is about.

Hey, wait... Love?! You mean the kind of thing that does not happen in bed?! Yes, guys, that's right! I want love. No, I don't want a lot of romance, I don't want a lot of attention, I don't want a lot of sex - I want a guy whom I can wake up with in the morning, whom I can talk with (but not necessarily all the time), who can say both yes and no, who can be both happy and angry, who can have good days and bad days... All in all, I want a human being, not some super-hyped commercial guy. Honestly, I am only little aware of exactly how he should act to get my heart, but I think that matters less - the MOST important thing is that I can trust him to be honest and reliable, and that I love him and he loves me; all the rest (aspie or not aspie, bright or dumb, rich or poor) are details.

And why is it this way? You see, in the Stone Age, if a man and a woman had sex, and things didn't work out, this would happen:

A: The man had empty testicles.
B: The woman had a baby.

It's all about what you risk: It is WAY more dangerous for your genes' survival to be alone in the woods with a newborn than to empty your testicles. Imagine the Stone Age situation: A woman is alone in the woods, she has just delivered, she's physically weak and frail, there's a helpless baby and everything stinks miles away of fresh meat and blood. Now, imagine you're a hungry saber-toothed tiger. What would you do next? ... If you answered "EAT", you're correct! A lone woman with a baby is a sitting target for predators. Therefore, she needs a man to protect her from harm.

In today's society, things are much more complicated than during the apeman stage, but it is still basically the same: A woman wants a man so she can procreate and not get eaten by something with big, nasty teeth. It is programmed into our genes. Now, genes and environment interact in extremely complex ways, so this little explanation covers only a small part of human love, and there are loads of exceptions - homosexuals, asexuals, bisexuals, people who don't want children etc.. These people are just as normal and natural as everyone else is; as aspies we should know that a RARE trait is not necessarily a WRONG trait.

So, basically, what should you do?

The woman doesn't prepare herself for just sex with you (at least if that woman is me); she prepares for a potential long-term relationship or, at the most extreme, even marriage. Therefore: She knows she'll have to endure you, with everything whom you are, for a potential very long time. The best advice I can give you is:

1. Be honest (or at least be honest about your dishonesty).
2. Be yourself (or at least don't play a role).
3. Be reliable (or at least work on it).
4. BE PREPARED FOR MARRIAGE, LAUNDRY, KIDS, DUTIES AND MORE LAUNDRY!

Oh, and btw., sometimes she doesn't want sex. Or romance. Or attention. She just wants to be left alone.

I hope that was helpful!