What is the difference between love and limerance?

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Good video.

The first was definately limerance because it went on for years even after I tried to walk away. The second guy was married and was flirting with me. I liked him back, but he started it and I ended it, so I guess that wasn't limerance. We have dropped all contact.

This new guy I don't know that well, so it's not even a serious crush. I happened to mention him too many times to my sister and she was like, "do you spend alot of time together." And I was like, "no, not really." I think I've made her and my brother think that there is someone on the horizon and there isn't. Doh. One of their friends even asked me about him the other day. So in this case it's not me creating the fantasy, it's everyone else around me, which is very weird.

When I say I go for guys I can't have, that's basically all guys. None of them want me.

Dude, your smart!

I have never even heard of the term Limerance before. I went on a mental journey during those two sentences and now feel like an expert.

Sounds like it. Avoiding him is probably wrong though, if you avoid him you can come up with all sorts of fantasies about what he might be like and it will feed your limerence. That's what it's like for me anyway. If he's in your social circle you should get to know him in a safe setting but don't seem too interested just keep an open ear. If you go down the route of avoiding him you need to be vigilant not to see him with your friends or think about him at all which may or may not be possible.



I agree, but it can also happen when you do ask them out and they turn you down and basically avoid you and refuse to let you closer to find out anymore about them. A girl did this to me and it's very hard to deal with. She got me interested in her initially, and it was quite intentional, but then she changed her mind completely and shut me out, never giving me an opportunity to change my mind about her like she had done about me. But now that I realise she's just a horrible person for doing that, the limerance is fading.

How I know him is a long story, but he's not exactly inviting me into his social circle, so I'm feeling a bit like, well maybe I don't really want to know him at all because he doesn't want to know me. I feel a bit sad because I find it difficult to meet single men my age. Not seeing him will pose no problem what-so-ever. No happy limerance chemicals, I just feel depressed.

Ok, I know feeling depressed sucks but that's probably better than limerence in this case.

So a thought struck me.

If you're prone to limerence, then can you still feel love the way other people do? If so, is that feeling as satisfying to you as love is to people who don't experience it, or will love always feel like a duller, less passionate form of attraction than limerence?

Another quote, from Hooradiation:
"If you're prone to limerence, then can you still feel love the way other people do? If so, is that feeling as satisfying to you as love is to people who don't experience it, or will love always feel like a duller, less passionate form of attraction than limerence?"


This thread is really interesting and I liked the video!,… especially the point about it being like a mental "illness" and lasting up to 2 years.

I think the key point from the first quote is that during limerance we do idealise the other person, we project attributes and expectations, and we are more likely to cope with and ignore little things. That's why during a marriage you end up arguing about toilet paper, toothpaste, and other stupid things, which you could overlook in the chemically charged limerance phase. So if during the limerance phase you're lucky enough to unearth deep compatibility, and work on really good respect, balance, and communication skills, you probably will create a lasting strong relationship.

I certainly have friends who are "addicted" to limerance; they say they "fall in love" easily and quickly, and if their relationship ends, they are really rapidly onto another (sometimes they move on to another person before they explicitly break up with the current romantic interest). Obviously they're susceptible to it due to certain brain wiring and chemistry, AND they enjoy it and seek it out. I even have had one gay male friend who would LITERALLY say, "I'm going to meet my next boyfriend tonight", and that's what he would do - and the relationships mostly lasted 12-18 months before he would immediately move on. I think that he (and others) start to get a "come down" in energy as the limerance fades, and they think the relationship isn't worth it. Fortunately for this guy, he seems to have grown up and can balance this need for the happy brain chemicals with the practical and sensible requirements of a long-term relationship.

It makes perfect sense, because some people can't help but use illicit drugs, and some people are quite prone to depression, anxiety, mania, delusions or other things. Limerance is obsessive and delusional for sure.

Consider the classic movie phrase, "I always fall for the wrong type of guy/bad boys". The woman just gets so excited by his masculinity, independence and good looks, she truly fails to weigh up the negatives of being with someone immature, risk-taking, and transient, so her heart is broken and then eventually after the infatuation disappears she realises what a mistake she made.

Personally, I have felt limerance during a 6 year relationship; I think it lasted for the full 2 years from our first or second day together, and usually it felt wonderful! Sometimes it was very painful, even in the beginning, because I felt like a lot of my self-reliance (developed over many years) was being ripped away and replaced. Luckily for us, once the happy chemicals wore off there was a lot of depth to our pairing, I suppose you'd call that "real love".

After that I have had two relationships of 18-ish months, neither of which had limerance at any stage. In both cases, I thought, "Hmmmm, what an attractive person…. oh and they're very smart, funny, and interesting, … oh and we have things in common and I like their values and attitudes to life". So I dated them to see what would happened and hoped that feelings would develop. No, there was no intoxication of limerance, it was far more an intellectual choice, and probably I would prefer limerance even with the extreme disruption to my life. However, limerance is crazy and painful, and I value things apart from over-the-top romantic infatuation such as brains, security, kindness, tolerance etc, so I have been happy with the approach I took with those less intense relationships.

Good luck!

So, presuming a relationship is reciprocal and there's actual common ground and values ... what kinds of relationship "work" should be done during the limerence phase?

(Does this question belong in a new topic?)

I don't think the limerance phase is very serious.. It's where you realize you've got fuzzy feelings for each other and you just enjoy being with each other. The other person gives you a "high" so you want to be around them as much as possible. It's like being addicted to a drug.

That's why some people bounce from one relationship to another. There's no real work in limerance, it's all about getting a "fix". Immature people bail on a relationship when limerance starts to fade and they have to start doing some real work on the relationship. They think they've fallen out if love, but really it's the chemical rush caused by limerance which has faded.

I guess a sensible person should realize that they are just seeing everything through rose tinted glasses in the limerance phase and get to know the other person well and try and find out whether their life goals and values are compatible before things get too serious.

However, others would say you shouldn't think too much at this stage and just enjoy yourself. It depends on whether you're looking for a bit of fun or a life partner at the end of the day.

Limerance is fun. It's fantasies and crushes and nothing serious.

Love hurts. Especially when after years of loving someone, and trying hard to make a life with them, you fall out of love. Even when you fall out of love though, there's always the ghost of that love on your heart. My ex knew me better than anyone. I loved him deeper than I have ever loved anyone before. I have learnt to live with the ghost though, and I like to think that by accepting the ghost and sometimes remembering the good times I had with my ex (while knowing they weren't the whole picture) that I can now move on and my next love will be stronger and better managed than the first one.

You can't really love someone until you've had your heart broken IMO.

i've had this happen, and am currently going through this. I'm guessing growing some balls for me and asking the girl out would fix it but something holds me back. I can't be the only one to go through that feeling. It's not even rejection as number 1 as I think shed say yes but the potential changes it could produce in my life scares me a little.

Yeah, my bf seems very much in this stage. We've only been together a year or so, and he often looks at me as if I walk on water or something. I'm wondering if a crash comes at the 2-year point. OTOH, I know couples who've been together 50 years where they still look at each other that way. I feel like I won't know for sure what the relationship means until the goopy part fades, KWIM?

@Hurtloam, how are you doing lately?

I'm in my early 40s and had far too many experiences similar to what you describe in terms of unrequited limerance and then being really, really down. I read that I *wasn't noticing* available, interested men, but that seemed hard to believe. BF definitely isn't the optical type who would have caught my eye in the past, but it's felt really comfortable and real from the beginning. I'm not sure what changed.

Warsend is right that reciprocation can produce some scary changes, even if they're positive.

The guy I thought I was falling for recently, well we haven't spent any time together in months. He's got other stuff going on at the moment career wise and has been really busy so I've had no opportunity to talk to him. I don't feel anything for him. I don't miss him at all which is a relief..

I haven't contacted the one I had problems with. I am sticking with that. I don't know what's going on in his life now and he doesn't know what's going on in mine, so we have nothing to talk about, which helped me stop contacting him.

I am free or completely cold turkey with no side effects.