Relative expertise in dating/relationships - ASK ME ANYTHING

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Ninja, I'm sorry I acted a dick. I realise you want to help people, its just that a lot of us want something much deeper from our communications with people than PUA tactics. That and there really is a lot of cliche advice on this board. I'm glad you are happy with your situation.

Lol I asked TS a simple question and he can't ever answer it? What kind of expertise is that?
This thread is stupid.

@MegaBass

You weren't being a dick MegaBass, I see a lot of BS advice all the time. I get angry as well

@Eureka13

A PUA is different from a womaniser. A womaniser like a man who is naturally good with women and enjoys sleeping with them, a PUA makes the decision to achieve a greater romantic and sex life, he puts the effort in and gets greater reward out of it in various forms.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but a relationship (like all forms of attraction) is grounded in the way attraction itself works. I am familiar with said principles, so while I'm no expert in the area of relationships specifically I do have a general view of the principles behind it. So I guess it can apply. Plus I want to help people

I should point out that I don't just date girls and drop them immediately (unless I don't like them or whatever). There have been a number of them where I have met them on multiple occasions.

Furthermore, I am not using women. That would imply that I'm getting something out of it like validation. Which is stupid really, because if I was a validation seeker that would probably repel women from me. I genuinely enjoy the situations I get into because I worked for it. Now I can enjoy a good sex life. That's not shallow - that's reaping the rewards of all the hard work I put in. And it feeeeeels so gooooood! It's like a hobby to me now.

Not everyone wants to get in a relationship just yet. Think about it

yournamehere

I'm nice and clean, so nothing to worry about. Although I did catch a throat infection once, not sure it was from kissing a girl though mind you, I'm literally the first case on anyone I know who got an infection from kissing before.

Cafeaulait

Your question was 'Will I ever fall in love with someone where it's mutual?' TOO VAGUE. How am I supposed to know that? I can't read the future. I did say 'ask me anything', but what I meant was 'ask me anything that isn't a silly question'

thumbhole

I have genuinely never heard the term 'SO' before.

If a woman is willing enough to kiss me, it's probably not going to scar her emotionally. Unless she's married or something, but I tend to ask beforehand. Seriously, use your head.

This 'feat' is more than just getting up to mischief. Look at the bigger picture - this is about making my life great, showcasing that people can work to overcome limiting factors of their ASD if they want to. Plus, one of you asked for a numerical figure into my 'success'. So there you go. I'm doing this so that I can help and inspire people - I believe that I can set a very good example for other men with autism; they don't have to have inadequate dating lives.

About relationships, see above.

About emotional attachments, of course I can form them! But as I've mentioned multiple times, I'm looking for casual sex and further development in this area, so I don't want to be greatly attached to my partners.

About caring for women, it would depend on how well I know them. If for example it's a girl you've just met and kissed her on a night out, I wouldn't care too much. But if this were a girl I'd grown attached to (or a friend or whatever), I would be quite concerned. Regardless of who I date, I tend to act on my own decisions and not let any negative emotions influence that.



And finally to all of you, I am not trying to make myself look good or to brag. I joined this forum because I have ambitions to help autistic people with their dating and sex lives in the future. That's why I started this thread.

Yet you all seem to want to pick me apart. This is who I am; nattering about the way I operate will not earn you any brownie points. I would rather we had a pleasant discussion. Or better yet, don't say anything; I can't be bothered arguing with people who don't agree with me; let the haters hate. I just want to hear your issues and try to give you my feedback.
That's all.

Not bad at all considering the short time frame.

And to the naysayers it's entirely possible he dated 15 girls in the last year. Even if he went on a date once a week, that's still a few dates per girl - which counts as dating.. not a relationship, per say, but he did date them. Not sure why people are being harsh about that.

Trouble with sticking points in development of what? Not sure what you mean here, but I'm guessing you mean you're having difficulty transitioning from hookups/dating to an actual relationship. That's pretty normal, even for NT's. If that's what you mean, and that's what you want, keep working on it and you'll figure it out.

I think it's a nice thing that you're offering to share how you've gone about achieving what you have so that those who have difficulty getting first dates or hooking up with others for sex but want to know how can learn. Even better that you've said you want to help w/ relationship advice more in the future, too, as the better you get at things the more you'll have to offer and teach. Keep at it. Have fun. Help others who want to learn what you have to teach 'em.

Oh question time!

1) Why do some teenagers or young adults decide to date someone else or act on their lust/infatuation despite the likely possibility that they break up and then they get upset and have the drama even though they know the circumstances will make them have it in the first place?

2) Why do people think that when a male and female friend are close but not dating think that they like each other but yet when two same-sex friends act close, nobody thinks that they are dating?

Congratulations with your success in obtaining your goals, Ninja.

You and I did something very similar although our goals are very different.

It was in 2009 for me that I began to work on myself in multiple areas, being social skills, weight issues and dating.

Since then I have dated a lot and had multiple relationships as that was always my goal. I do not seek casual hook ups of any kind. So kissing and sleeping with tons of women was not my goal, as I need to build trust and a relationship (which takes a long period of time for me) before I reach those points.

The main point, for anyone, is to find out what it is you want and reach success in whatever that may be in regarding sex/relationships/whatever.

So good job and although I think it's great you're trying to reach out and help others with one thread, I really think you'd have more success in helping people if you just reply to threads as they're posted by members.
Who knows, good luck either way.

People are not "picking you apart." They are merely annoyed that the title of your thread does not match its content. Your title claims to offer advice about "relationships" yet you now admit that the advice is actually about sex. Well, it's not our fault you wrote a post all about sex and then posted it in the "Love and Dating" section rather than the "Adult" one. Also, it's not our fault you didn't write "advice about sex life" in the title, but misleadingly wrote the word "relationships" instead. Seeing your thread in this particular sub-forum and with this particular title quite naturally led people to assume that you were going to be talking about love, dating, and relationships rather than casual sex, so stop getting angry with people who point out that your content doesn't match up to your claims. You are to blame, not we, for mislabelling and miscategorising your thread.

I believe SO stands for "Significant Other," something you have apparently never even had. Hence why your claims of being an expert on relationships are ludicrous.

You seem to be under the impression that you are the only male Aspie ever to have got laid and that there will now be scores of eager followers on WP who will admire you greatly for having done so. In reality some of us were having sex while you were still a babe in arms. The difference is that we don't all make threads boasting about it.

You have only just found out that sex feels "Soooo Gooood" but that is not really much of a revelation to most people. Now that casual sex is your new hobby (a hobby that you may come to regret later in life) you want to sleep with more and more women, so you come here to talk about it. This part of the forum is actually reserved for discussion of what it says: Love and Dating. Not sex. Love. Sex alone would not satisfy most lonely people who are looking for a lasting relationship with someone to love them. If all we wanted was casual sex, most people on here could probably go out and be promiscuous pretty easily on their own without advice from you. It's easy to be easy, but hard to find the one soulmate you've been waiting for.

I do not agree that your "achievements" imply any form of greatness. So you've kissed lots of girls, and had sex. So what?

Have you ever devotedly nursed a spouse who lay dying? Have you ever known the pain of separation caused by long distance, and remained constant and sure? Have you ever poured out your heart in a love letter? Have you ever cried into your pillow over unrequited love? Have you ever been abandoned? Have you ever been the only one to remember an anniversary, or the only one to forget it? Can you tell us which feels worse?

Have you ever been kissed by somebody who kissed you so sweetly and passionately you felt sure he was falling in love, only to later see him kissing somebody else and feel your heart tearing into a thousand pieces?

No, you haven't. That's why kissing and sex is all just a big game to you at the moment. You don't realise yet that you're hurting people.

There are some valid points in this post, but so much BS I felt compelled to reply.

Some here may in fact jump at the chance to chat with this guy about picking up women. I don't think it's up to you to tell this guy off for offering to talk about these things here. If people want to discuss them, they will. If you don't want to, you don't have to. If you don't have anything nice to say.. don't say anything at all.

Also, casual sex or friends with benefits relationships are still a type of dating & relationships, and thus relevant to this forum regardless of whether it's something you're interested in or not.

Some people have an interest in a sex life and no interest in experiencing caring for dying people or maintaining long distance relationships, or remember anniversaries etc, so what? Others simply haven't been alive long enough to do so yet, again, so what? None of those things have anything to do with getting first dates, picking up women, getting laid etc - which is obviously what this thread is about.

Further, he said he'd like to help others into the future. Perhaps he means as he progresses to more serious relationships that he'd be glad to share what he learns then, too, but for now he's achieved this and can advise on it a little.

And the biggest piece of BS you posted is that he's hurting people.. umm, no. Mutually consensual sex between two people isn't a hurtful thing. It's pleasurable. That's the whole point. People that aren't interested in casual sex aren't obligated to have it if they're only interested in sex with people they love. To each their own, but to tell someone who's having mutually consensual sex with others that he's somehow hurting them is a complete load of BS and you needed to be called out for saying it. So, I'm doing that. You're flat out wrong to say these things to this guy just because that sort of sex life isn't something that YOU want for yourself and whatever moral code you live by. Just because people live by different personal moral codes doesn't mean they're living immoral lives - everyone has their own personal justifications for how they do or don't carry on their sex lives and just because they're different from whatever self imposed rules you run yours by doesn't mean they're wrong, immoral, or hurtful. Grow up and have a little respect for others' choices in love & life.

@goldfish21: I don't see thumbhole's post as 'BS'-y at all. I think PUA tactics are what is BS - viewing relationships as just some elaborate game to study and treat people/sex (pick-up artists don't seem to recognize the difference between these two things) like trophies. The PUA mindset as I have read treats people as sex-focused disposables on a journey for as much quantity as possible, and completely ignores the emotional components except as a platform of weakness to exploit to their sex-hungry advantage. Everything the OP has written supports this. If you don't see why this can lead to hurt then there's nothing further I could say to change that.

thumbhole's post is one I could nearly mistake for my own.

Goldfish, my point is that the OP titled his thread wrongly and posted it in the wrong forum.

My other point is that most young promiscuous men see sex as purely a physical act, and do not tend to realise that the majority of females engaging in casual sex do so because they feel horribly alone and are desperate for emotional intimacy.

"Sex is pleasurable" yes, we knew that. Yet another young man who has figured it out. Well done.

The problem a lot of you young men have is that you are thinking of sex as a purely physical thing. You are not hurting girls physically, so you think everything's OK. In reality girls have emotions.

Just because the sex is consensual and feels nice physically does not mean you're not hurting people emotionally. If the OP honestly kissed 60-70 girls in a single summer I would be VERY surprised if at least one of those girls didn't end up being hurt.

Perhaps one of them was assuming the kiss would lead to something more and was hurt and confused when the OP didn't date her or commit.

Perhaps one of them had promised herself never to kiss random strangers again, but gave in due to her loneliness and then felt ashamed and terrible afterwards.

Perhaps one of them was a fellow Aspie who naively thought that kissing = love, and said to herself happily "this guy is kissing me, so he must be going to love me now. He must be Mr Right." Then the OP walked away.

Or perhaps all of them were just drunk robotic sluts who genuinely enjoy kissing multiple men purely for physical pleasure, and are capable of kissing without feeling any emotional desire for intimacy or commitment well up inside them during the kiss.

Do we know? No. We cannot know. The OP didn't stick around long enough to ask them, and apparently he doesn't care. And that's what sickens me.

Those people he kissed were human beings with emotions; not just bodies with nerve endings registering pleasure. If you never stick around long enough to learn somebody's backstory, how can you ever know if you are hurting them or not?

There may be a small minority of females who are able to have sex with no emotions involved, and who genuinely just want to have meaningless sex with a stranger because they're feeling as horny as said stranger. However, those particular females (the kind who are capable of meaningless sex) will be few and far between. The overwhelming majority of girls who are sleeping around probably do so because they are lonely or because they think it's expected of them. Predatory men take advantage of loneliness and vulnerability, and the attitude that any desperate female is fair game leads to people (mainly girls, but boys also) getting emotionally damaged by one-night stands.

That is my opinion and I'm allowed to have it. This is an open discussion forum and as such you cannot prevent people from participating in the discussion just because you disagree with their opinion.

You two make mutually consensual no strings attached sex between people seem like rape.

It is not.

It may not be your cup of tea, but that doesn't make it wrong nor hurtful.

PUA mindset is not about making it clear that there are no strings attached; it would often appear to be quite the opposite and about obscuring that there are no strings; building emotions up and toying with them to crack through someone's shell enough to get physical with them, then dispose as the self-proclaimed 'artist' sees fit.

Casual sex is not inherently wrong provided both parties understand the conditions, even if I would never do it myself. However, I would never associate PUA tactics with being clear about such conditions, and it is in effect what defines PUA tactics to begin with.

If you do not know the difference between promiscuity and rape, a dictionary would be a good place to start.

Nobody is accusing anybody of physical rape. All I'm pointing out is that just because the casual sex you choose to indulge in happens to be consensual does not necessarily mean that neither party is hurting the other emotionally.

First, let me set the record gay on something. I'm gay. I don't hookup with girls. I've hooked up with mutually horny guys. I suppose I have a lot better idea of what another gay guy who's interested in hooking up thinks/feels than I do what girls do, but come on, people are people and if girls are consenting to sex then it's their choice for whatever their reasons are. They're not being raped. They're doing it of their own free will. If they don't want to, so be it, don't. If they want to for whatever physical pleasure they get out of it, or anything else they get out of it, then go right ahead. It's their sex lives to decide what to do with. I'm not sure what you don't comprehend about this.

Blah blah blah what if they're thinking all these big scary thoughts.. who cares? If they're thinking those things, then don't do those actions because obviously you don't want to. Pretty simple. On the flip side, we could play the what if game the other way... what if they're thrilled that they got kissed? what if they had the best kiss of their life to date, or ever? what if they thoroughly enjoyed the sex and have fond memories of it for the rest of their lives and also like the fact that there's no long term relationship strings attached? No, I can't possibly know they're thinking these things - but they could be. why assume they're all driving themselves crazy with depression because they got kissed or got off? Get over yourself, you can't possibly pretend to know what they are thinking or feeling. It doesn't matter either way, though, because the only thing that matters is that they consented & participated of their own free will - so however they think or feel afterwards has nothing to do with the guy in question and is theirs and theirs alone to deal with.

I can't fathom being obligated to stick around and interview someone about their thoughts and feelings on a kiss, or hookup, or whatever was mutually consented to and done. It doesn't sicken me one bit that people have no strings attached casual sex if they choose to do so. The difference between you and I is that you seem to think it's appropriate to project YOUR moral code upon others and expect that they behave in the way that YOU choose to live YOUR life. That's the part that's BS. There are over 7 Billion people on this planet. There are nearly countless opinions and personal moral codes on kissing/sex etc. You cannot possibly realistically expect that everyone, or anyone, else has the identical views to you and should feel bad about living their sex life how they choose to do so. If so, IMO, you're out of line. Accept that others live their lives differently from the way you do, period, and that that doesn't make them wrong nor bad people - just different from you with different personal moral codes.

Point in case: I eat ham. I like how it tastes. Others who've set their own rules to live by as vegetarians or are members of some religions may be sickened by the thought of eating ham. I'm ok with them being sickened by the thought of consuming ham themselves, but they can F right off if they think that I'm living an immoral life because I contradict THEIR personal moral code. If they can't comprehend that MY personal moral code doesn't consider eating ham sickening, then that's their problem, not mine.

So let that small minority of girls enjoy themselves and their bodies how they see fit without passing judgement upon them.

I never said you shouldn't participate in the discussion. I said I thought what you said was BS and that it's ridiculous to project your moral code upon others.

I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT RAPE, nor did I imply it. You are the one who is suddenly randomly plucking the word "rape" out of thin air.

Also, I never said anything about morals. My complaint was not that the OP has no morals, but that he has no apparent awareness of the concept that sex is tied into emotions, and it is difficult (nearly impossible) for most women to separate the two. Thus, he may not be hurting women physically, but he needs to learn that he's probably hurting some of them emotionally. The fact that he lacks that awareness is probably no reflection on his morals (or lack thereof). It's probably a reflection on his tender years, lack of relationship experience, and his autism. Once he eventually gains the awareness that some of his conquests are getting hurt, should he wish to continue hurting them regardless, THAT would be an indication that he has no morals and is selfish. At the moment he has no such awareness and genuinely seems to think that women are just like men and sex is purely physical, so I wouldn't say his activity is amoral. I think it's just thoughtless and naive.

I am not "projecting a moral code" onto anybody. Those are your words. Perhaps you are confusing me with somebody else. I never said anything about morals or rape. You're getting off-topic! I am not saying that people should not be free to sleep around if they want to. All I am pointing out is that the OP has a lot to learn, is sadly misguided, and has a lot to learn about women if he thinks that he is not hurting any of the girls he is having casual sex with.

I am not implying he is hurting ALL of them. Just that SOME of them are bound to be having the sex to try and fill an emotional need rather than a physical one. The OP bonds briefly with them, fulfilling their emotional need, and then goes away. The emotional bond is made, and then severed. That is painful. They feel abandoned and used. PUA guys cause girls a lot of pain.

You have made the point that not all people are the same, we don't all feel the same way about sex, and I cannot possibly know what those girls are thinking when they hook up with the OP. Well, neither can he. The same reasoning applies in reverse. Just because he is having sex purely to get laid, what grounds does he have to assume that the girls he is sleeping with are doing it for the same motives?

Their motives might be low self-esteem, loneliness, peer pressure, emotional vulnerability, desperate hope that the OP is the love of their life, etc. If you are so naive that you think that casual sex always hurts nobody, then that's a very great shame.

Last edited by thumbhole on 15 Feb 2014, 12:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.