If he has 'shut down,' what' the best thing to do?

Post Reply New Topic

Aspie1, can I ask you, what incentive then is there for a woman to invest her time and energy in a relationship with you?

There are all kinds of reasons why romantic relationships might not work, all kinds of incompatibilities, even though two people enjoy, like, and love each other. At this point I'm not interested in transient relationships -- even if the romance doesn't work, if this person is my friend (and I wouldn't want a romantic relationship that didn't have at its heart a deep friendship), then I expect he'll probably be in my life forever. That's how it is with most of my close male friends, who are important in my life.

It takes time and energy and focus on another person, a lot of self-disclosure, sharing, and telling of one's own stories, to build a relationship. Most women know this. So...why would they put all that into a relationship knowing they'd just be cut off cold if you decided the romance wasn't working?

I'll address bolded statements one by one.

What incentive? Easy. DURING the relationship, I'll provide the best relationship a woman ever had. With things like thrilling rides on a Cessna plane (with me flying it, with an instructor, of course), romantic cruises in the Caribbean, elaborate special gifts, back massages, dancing the night away in an exciting club, rose petals on the bed, candlelit dinners, etc, etc, etc. But of course, there is no such thing as a free lunch. I will expect physical intimacy on a regular basis. It's what distinguishes a genuine relationship from a banal friend zone.

A relationship is a mutually beneficial exchange. The man provides romance, and collects the sex. The woman provides sex, and collects the romance. (The words "romance" and "sex" are used very broadly.) I will invest 110% into the relationship. And I expect 110% in return. You'll be amazed by how much I'm willing to provide and how much I'm willing to tolerate for the relationship's sake. But if a woman chooses to break up with me, abuses my generosity, or makes it intolerable for me to stay, then she loses EVERYTHING, friendship and all! It is what it is.

Oh. That doesn't sound pleasant at all to me -- that sounds...transactional. (And shoot, I can fly my own Cessna, don't need a guy to book me a cruise, either.) If you have to buy her a lot of stuff to get sex, then what's the point? This sounds like juiced-up escort territory -- it doesn't sound like friendship is involved in the first place.

I always thought that relationships are transactional, although I prefer the term "mutually beneficial": each party gets their needs met by another party, and provides something in return. Because hey, eating a candlelit dinner and sleeping on rose petals by yourself is just plain odd. But with a man, it's romantic/loving/whatever. And it's impossible for a man to have sex with himself. But with a woman, it's satisfying.

My exes actually didn't require me to buy them much to get intimate with me. But I'd feel like I'm stealing if I spent the night without doing something romantic beforehand. Much like I'd be upset if I took my girlfriend out to a romantic carriage ride, and then she had a headache.

Kudos to you for being able to fly a Cessna. It really is thrilling, isn't it? I read that only 2% of Americans have ever flown a plane (as a pilot) in any capacity, so be proud of that. And if you haven't tried cruising solo, by all means, do it. I've done it twice already, and it's so much fun. Everybody on those ships is so friendly and outgoing, women flirted with me a lot, and the movement of the ship is unbelievably soothing. Anyway, it looks like this thread is getting hijacked, so my apologies for that. I hope you and your ex somehow work things out and come to a peaceful solution. May not be reconciliation, but at least without the police getting involved, like in my case.

Aspie1 sounds like someone who doesn't have or get emotional connection with the other person, hence the transactional nature of his relationships. Theory of mind dictates he will be unable to understand tarantella64 POV completely.


I have also flown a Cessna. If I ever come into money, I am getting a PPL and buying myself an ickle plane. There is no better feeling than being up in the air, away from everyone's thoughts.


Edit: PPS I also vomited in my mouth a little at the mention of all the cliche romance things Aspie1 talked about. I really don't understand why people enjoy that stuff specially when it's not genuine.

Either you let them shut down and pretend they don't exist for the duration of said shutdown, or it's (eventually) over.

A reason for a shutdown could be anything. In my cases in the past when it came to romance, I feel very strongly that I shut down because I couldn't say what I wanted to say to the other person. If a person doesn't know how to express themselves appropriately or doesn't know what to say, then they likely won't speak at all.

I had a situation in 2008 where one girl I dated for a week dumped me. She gave me this speech about how we think differently and I handle things differently, and that she didn't want anything serious at the moment and maybe we could catch up later. Three days later, she announces on Facebook (and I could see it too since she was on my friends list) that she is in a relationship with someone else. I felt like I was lied to and like I was betrayed. I couldn't speak to her how I truly felt because I didn't know how to communicate it at the time. The only option I saw was to move on. Anytime I bumped into her though, I wouldn't communicate and I think that may have frustrated her as it appeared that she wanted to speak to me too.

I wish there was more to help. But you can't do anything for your ex unless he can communicate what he wants (clear and concise). Maybe the only thing you can do is communicate to him what you want and hope for the best (while also being prepared to move on).

Aspie1 we had a weekend together which didn't go very well. I was in a bad mood. Not an ongoing thing, though in retrospect neither of us had been putting in enough effort. He got fed up, walked out and I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks. I could have contacted him, but feared I'd be rebuffed and thought it best to leave him alone. Maybe he believed I'd rejected him, and so he made a 'logical' decision to break up with me. And yet clearly it is very important to him that we remain friends. He's fond of me, it's not guilt. He genuinely values me as a person in his life, but has decided there might be an easier going love relationship out there for him. (The reality of course is that no relationship is easy all the time). I think his decision to break up was made in his head, not his heart - his heart is telling him to remain connected with me, in spite of the potential for awkwardness.

Thanks Aspiemike. I think you are right about communicating clearly what I want. I've told him I still have strong feelings for him, but at some point I will have to spell it out that what I want is for us to get back together.