"I like a woman who takes care of herself"

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The poor guy is not forcing anyone, but you can't force him to not have a preference for fit girls, right?

Until I saw this thread, I was unaware of that meaning of the phrase. I took the phrase very literally.

Yup, it's generally accepted as code for "you must qualify as eye candy." It's okay with me that they do it, because if I wanted to play that game I could qualify as eye candy, but since I'm not interested in men that shallow, that phrase is a good sorting tool.

I'm not actually interested in men who spend a lot of time working out. Men who are active and interested in a variety of physical activities, sure. But the ones who "brag" that they go the gym 5-6 times a week? No thanks, I'd rather be with someone who'd rather spend that time going on a hike or a ride or a paddle in a kayak WITH ME than spend 3-4 hours a day, 5-6 times a week at the gym looking at himself in a mirror.

It's one of those cliche things like claiming to be "an honest, loyal, trustworthy, one-woman man." Or a "nice guy." It shouldn't have to be stated. Those are all minimum standards for being in a relationship. Granted, plenty of people lie in their profiles and/or post misleading photos. But online dating is one place where truth in advertising pays off. Guess what? If you ever want to actually meet in person, whatever lies and misrepresentations you have presented in your profile are going to be revealed. It makes no sense to misrepresent oneself on a dating site, unless your only aim is get money out of the other people. And that's called "being a scammer."

He was not talking about preferences, which are free to anyone, but "about not being shallow when wanting a woman that takes care of herself". Which implies in the meaning, that every woman that does not spend time on stuff, that HE thinks to be important and what HE thinks should "taking care of" means,, would automatically generally not take care of herself, as if he was the ulitmate referee about "When someone takes care of himself or not." Thats simply manipulative. ^^ Most people will take care of themself, simply because taking care of yourself enhances your life quality. But what that actually means is simply upon everyone itself.

I am not f****d up about my mother in law bothering me "about taking care of me as she does", because of my way to take care of me (having sports, eating healthy) being the only true way. But I am f****d up, because of her not accepting that as much time as she spends on stuff that is important for her "to take care of herself" (=fashion, shoes, make up), that I do as well take care of myself, but only about other stuff, then the one that is important for her. She focuses on what is fun and because of that important for her, just as I do as well.

There is nothing shallow about saying, to have a preference for this and that kind of partners.

I have as well a preference for a partner, that shares at least some of my outdoor activities with me, so that we can spend time together. But to expect other people, to focus automatically "when taking care of themselve" about what "taking care of yourself means personally for me", IS actually shallow in my oppinion, and seem rather manipulative. ^^

Only because someone does not engage into "what taking care of" means for you, that does not mean that a person would in general not take care of themselves and accusing them to do so, is shallow in my oppinion.

Me deciding that I have a preference for bearded man, does not make every non-bearded man "not taking care of himself". ^^

^ The guy mentioned paying the bills, healthy diet and little effort in looks as "taking care of self" yet you have just quoted the gym example part.

And btw the title is completely different than the sentence mentioned in the thread even though how many times we've seen women here saying "I prefer guys who shave", "beards are loathful", "I want my men to shave their body hair" especially in body hair threads...etc


I think some of you are projecting.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 24 Mar 2014, 11:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

^^ Well said, Schneekugel.

You'd think that guys would appreciate women who don't spend tons of money on new clothes, shoes, having their hair done, nails done, buying jewelry, "having a little work done," etc. Unfortunately, there are so many who put a premium on their date looking like a fashion model or a movie star. Personally, I'd rather spend my money on things like healthy foods, healthy activities, education, and being socially conscious than on bolstering the huge fashion and cosmetic industries whose principles I find abhorrent.

As Schneekugel said, I personally prefer men with full beards (I even prefer longish, messy hair). But I'm not going to include that in my definition of "taking care of oneself." I don't think a man needs to state in his profile that he only gets turned on by really hot women; he could simply ignore the profiles of the ones who don't turn him on.

Now I need to go look at a bunch of women's profiles and see if THEY have an equivalent code phrase for "must make a lot of money."

Last edited by Eureka13 on 24 Mar 2014, 12:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

So it's not code for a woman who has an extensive collection of sex toys, and knows how to use them?

^ "I want a REAL man" (capital letters), " I want a man who treats me like a princess", "I want a Prince charmant", "I want a gentleman who acts chivalrously".

That would be "enjoys herself".

Thanks, you just saved me a bunch of time!

The moral of the story is, there are shallow people of both genders. It is helpful to identify these "code" phrases they use so that those of us who are not shallow can avoid them.

My thanks to Hale Bopp for bringing my attention to this particular one. I knew it irked me to see it in print, but I hadn't quite identified why. By her posting about it here, now I "get it" and will be more cautious about the men who use that phrase in their profiles.

Boo has helpfully identified the shallow woman's code phrase, so now all of us can go about our online dating quest with a few more tools in our possession.

And, for the record, probably not 100% of the men who use that phrase are totally shallow, just as probably not 100% of the women who use the phrases Boo identified are totally shallow, but knowing these things may help to raise a bit of a warning flag so that the rest of the profile may be looked at more carefully for other potential red flags.

A woman who neglects her health in favour of unhealthy food and Twilight marathons, is not taking care of herself. Neither is a woman who mooches of her significant other to get more time to hang out with friends at the mall.



"Taking care of yourself" isn't necessarily time consuming.



Let's turn the tables, shall we? Would you want a husband who did nothing but sitting on the couch and eating cupcakes all the time, wearing nothing but loose fitting track suits, spending all of his income on video games--while you bought all the necessities?



If the non-bearded man had health like a 73 year old, was 100 lbs overweight, and hat rotten teeth, it would mean that he was not taking care of himself.

Of course!

I'm not sure how he meant it.If he was the athletic type that likes to snowboard,ski,run marathons I would think he meant someone into fitness.Vitamins,healthy diet,etc...
Or I suppose he could mean a Barbie doll woman.Someone extremely well groomed.

I'm sure before I re-wrote my profile (and just got a nice girl to contact me) I probably had a bunch of these in there without even realizing it. I think I mentioned about being open minded and willing to try things and never realized that was a code phrase: I literally meant that I'm open minded! That's one of the downsides of being an Aspie I suppose.

There are context clues you have to look for, too.

If the guy has just spent six paragraphs describing his fitness routine and diet, and then says "I like a woman who takes care of herself," that probably means he likes women who are also very much into fitness and diet. Nothing wrong with that.

If the guy says "I'm in reasonably good health, eat reasonably well, and lead an active life, and I'd like someone with similar values," there's nothing wrong with that, either.

If the guy says nothing about his own habits, but his photo shows him to be very definitely NOT fit, and he says in his profile "I like a woman who takes care of herself," that probably means that he wants arm candy.

I see a LOT of the 3rd example, a fair number of the 1st example, and hardly any of the 2nd example.