Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Told This By a Married Woman and a Question About It

Page 2 of 4 [ 50 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,664
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

28 May 2014, 4:00 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
CommanderKeen wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I bet by a 90% that she meant boring.

Well that woman has a problem of her own, she's not direct.


OK, guys, if that was what she meant, she would have used a different tact, along the lines of, "you should pick up an attractive hobby, like snowboarding." or "you should get a speed boat, that would be fun to show off to dates."

It really is frustrating to me how often men here insist on reading negative things into comments that most likely are not meant that way. Negative is VERY unattractive, and that is a choice 100% within your own control.

.


I tried hard to find a more positive interpretation.

So enlighten me, mom, what does she mean by "you know what your problem is? You are a typical guy in his early 30s" if not 'boring'?



DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

28 May 2014, 4:04 pm

^^^^^ back up a few posts. I gave a list.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


MR20
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Sep 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 945

28 May 2014, 4:05 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
CommanderKeen wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I bet by a 90% that she meant boring.

Well that woman has a problem of her own, she's not direct.


OK, guys, if that was what she meant, she would have used a different tact, along the lines of, "you should pick up an attractive hobby, like snowboarding." or "you should get a speed boat, that would be fun to show off to dates."

It really is frustrating to me how often men here insist on reading negative things into comments that most likely are not meant that way. Negative is VERY unattractive, and that is a choice 100% within your own control.

.


Well in the past I had this "friend" that used to use implied comments to insult me all the time. It was very hurtful and I think contributed to a lot of the problems I had in the future regarding my self esteem and interactions with people.

It was only in recently (as last year) that I've gotten past some of the problems I've had. You cannot simply "get over" being negative, but I do agree it something that has to be done, even if it takes time, as it only affects you and your (potential) relationships and not the people or situations that may have caused it.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,664
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

28 May 2014, 4:08 pm

Look, a typical guy in his early 30s might mean good things like "responsible", "holding a good job", "mature"....etc

But in that context, if she really meant it positively she wouldn't have said ""you know what your problem is?" part, isn't it? So it's obvious that she means that the "typical guy in his early 30s"part is his problem.
Problem = always negative.

Quote:
problem
ˈprɒbləm/Submit
noun
1.
a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome.
"they have financial problems"


So it's not me who's being negative!



DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

28 May 2014, 4:09 pm

MR20 wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
CommanderKeen wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I bet by a 90% that she meant boring.

Well that woman has a problem of her own, she's not direct.


OK, guys, if that was what she meant, she would have used a different tact, along the lines of, "you should pick up an attractive hobby, like snowboarding." or "you should get a speed boat, that would be fun to show off to dates."

It really is frustrating to me how often men here insist on reading negative things into comments that most likely are not meant that way. Negative is VERY unattractive, and that is a choice 100% within your own control.

.


Well in the past I had this "friend" that used to use implied comments to insult me all the time. It was very hurtful and I think contributed to a lot of the problems I had in the future regarding my self esteem and interactions with people.

It was only in recently (as last year) that I've gotten past some of the problems I've had. You cannot simply "get over" being negative, but I do agree it something that has to be done, even if it takes time, as it only affects you and your (potential) relationships and not the people or situations that may have caused it.


I will apologize because, in the interest of brevity, I didn't really flush that comment about "choice" out.

It isn't as simple as a light switch choice. For some people, it may definitely require healing, counseling, life changes ... all sorts of complicated things. But you start with a choice to change it.

I am sorry for your past experiences and hurt. Verbal abuse can be very destructive and difficult to get past.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

28 May 2014, 4:14 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Look, a typical guy in his early 30s might mean good things like "responsible", "holding a good job", "mature"....etc

But in that context, if she really meant it positively she wouldn't have said ""you know what your problem is?" part, isn't it? So it's obvious that she means that the "typical guy in his early 30s"part is his problem.
Problem = always negative.

Quote:
problem
ˈprɒbləm/Submit
noun
1.
a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome.
"they have financial problems"


So it's not me who's being negative!


I would say that your interpretation seemed to me to be highly unhelpful, as it was not actionable or something one could expect to change in the future (in fact, boring is only likely to get much worse with age). And if the woman had not meant something that was actionable or likely to improve with time or life experience, she would have kept her mouth shut (or tried to convince him that relationships weren't all that great, anyway). She was, it sounded to me, actually trying to be a friend.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


MR20
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Sep 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 945

28 May 2014, 4:16 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
MR20 wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
CommanderKeen wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I bet by a 90% that she meant boring.

Well that woman has a problem of her own, she's not direct.


OK, guys, if that was what she meant, she would have used a different tact, along the lines of, "you should pick up an attractive hobby, like snowboarding." or "you should get a speed boat, that would be fun to show off to dates."

It really is frustrating to me how often men here insist on reading negative things into comments that most likely are not meant that way. Negative is VERY unattractive, and that is a choice 100% within your own control.

.


Well in the past I had this "friend" that used to use implied comments to insult me all the time. It was very hurtful and I think contributed to a lot of the problems I had in the future regarding my self esteem and interactions with people.

It was only in recently (as last year) that I've gotten past some of the problems I've had. You cannot simply "get over" being negative, but I do agree it something that has to be done, even if it takes time, as it only affects you and your (potential) relationships and not the people or situations that may have caused it.


I will apologize because, in the interest of brevity, I didn't really flush that comment about "choice" out.

It isn't as simple as a light switch choice. For some people, it may definitely require healing, counseling, life changes ... all sorts of complicated things. But you start with a choice to change it.

I am sorry for your past experiences and hurt. Verbal abuse can be very destructive and difficult to get past.


no problem



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,664
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

28 May 2014, 4:17 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
She could easily have meant (based on things I've noticed in some men of that age, but certainly not all):
1. Overly interested in things women that age are not (like sports)
2. Not interested enough in what someone else might like
3. Busy with a career and putting other things second
4. Wanting a girlfriend for the benefits more than for the person
5. Not having a clue what women really want from a date
6. Not standing out from the crowd and, thus, simply not getting noticed (and no one can be boring until they've been noticed and their personality revealed)
7. I don't think very many single guys your age really want relationships and/or are as ready for them as they like to think

None of that is boring, although most aren't exactly signals of relationship material.

GiantHockyFan does not sound boring at all to me, just, well, maybe not quite in a boyfriend mindset yet. There is a HUGE difference.

And, really, if anyone is going to get inside the head of a married woman we've never met, is more likely to be you or me?


Hell, some of those are worse than 'boring' and you tell me I am being negative? :lol:

Quote:
6. Not standing out from the crowd and, thus, simply not getting noticed (and no one can be boring until they've been noticed and their personality revealed)


That's another expression for regular, or too average, aka 'boring'.



DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

28 May 2014, 4:20 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
She could easily have meant (based on things I've noticed in some men of that age, but certainly not all):
1. Overly interested in things women that age are not (like sports)
2. Not interested enough in what someone else might like
3. Busy with a career and putting other things second
4. Wanting a girlfriend for the benefits more than for the person
5. Not having a clue what women really want from a date
6. Not standing out from the crowd and, thus, simply not getting noticed (and no one can be boring until they've been noticed and their personality revealed)
7. I don't think very many single guys your age really want relationships and/or are as ready for them as they like to think

None of that is boring, although most aren't exactly signals of relationship material.

GiantHockyFan does not sound boring at all to me, just, well, maybe not quite in a boyfriend mindset yet. There is a HUGE difference.

And, really, if anyone is going to get inside the head of a married woman we've never met, is more likely to be you or me?


Hell, some of those are worse than 'boring' and you tell me I am being negative? :lol:


But actionable, within one's control, not something a typical person would feel they are doomed to continue with

But, yeah, I'm not going to say that I'm surprised you pointed that out.

Honestly, I don't think she specifically meant anything; I think she just saw Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars, and threw out a related observation (I will add that to my list, which I keep editing lol).

But men can and do learn how to visit Venus, you know.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,293

28 May 2014, 4:23 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
She could easily have meant (based on things I've noticed in some men of that age, but certainly not all):
1. Overly interested in things women that age are not (like sports)
2. Not interested enough in what someone else might like
3. Busy with a career and putting other things second
4. Wanting a girlfriend for the benefits more than for the person
5. Not having a clue what women really want from a date
6. Not standing out from the crowd and, thus, simply not getting noticed (and no one can be boring until they've been noticed and their personality revealed)
7. Doesn't think very many single guys that age really want relationships and/or are as ready for them as they like to think

None of that is boring, although most aren't exactly signals of relationship material.

GiantHockyFan does not sound boring at all to me, just, well, maybe not quite in a boyfriend mindset yet. There is a HUGE difference.

And, really, if anyone is going to get inside the head of a married woman we've never met, is more likely to be you or me?

I think you really are starting to get it and I appreciate you think I might not have enough of the boyfriend mindset. You might be right that I am close but still a little too wrapped up in my own little world and I continue to work on that. I would agree it's probably a combination of #s 1,2,5 and 6(aside from height). I think what she was trying to say was that I am not a failure or a freak (I am REALLY hard on myself) but I am not as quality of a catch as I like to think I am.... at least not yet.



DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

28 May 2014, 4:26 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Quote:
6. Not standing out from the crowd and, thus, simply not getting noticed (and no one can be boring until they've been noticed and their personality revealed)


That's another expression for regular, or too average, aka 'boring'.


I disagree. Personality makes the person, and most certainly makes relationships. A room full of men you don't know may as well be a room full of statues, and women do not shop for the best looking statute in the room, even if they can't help admiring it (and in the process get temporarily distracted from taking a good look at the other statues). They want to read a book that touches them. Boring is a book that has little in it.



.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,664
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

28 May 2014, 4:26 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
She could easily have meant (based on things I've noticed in some men of that age, but certainly not all):
1. Overly interested in things women that age are not (like sports)
2. Not interested enough in what someone else might like
3. Busy with a career and putting other things second
4. Wanting a girlfriend for the benefits more than for the person
5. Not having a clue what women really want from a date
6. Not standing out from the crowd and, thus, simply not getting noticed (and no one can be boring until they've been noticed and their personality revealed)
7. I don't think very many single guys your age really want relationships and/or are as ready for them as they like to think

None of that is boring, although most aren't exactly signals of relationship material.

GiantHockyFan does not sound boring at all to me, just, well, maybe not quite in a boyfriend mindset yet. There is a HUGE difference.

And, really, if anyone is going to get inside the head of a married woman we've never met, is more likely to be you or me?


Hell, some of those are worse than 'boring' and you tell me I am being negative? :lol:


But actionable, within one's control, not something a typical person would feel they are doomed to continue with

But, yeah, I'm not going to say that I'm surprised you pointed that out.

Honestly, I don't think she specifically meant anything; I think she just saw Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars, and threw out a related observation (I will add that to my list, which I keep editing lol).

But men can and do learn how to visit Venus, you know.


But Venus is a hell planet!

Now I expect tarantella to pop up and calling me out for my "sexist" comment, for dissing her homeworld. :lol:



DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

28 May 2014, 4:29 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
She could easily have meant (based on things I've noticed in some men of that age, but certainly not all):
1. Overly interested in things women that age are not (like sports)
2. Not interested enough in what someone else might like
3. Busy with a career and putting other things second
4. Wanting a girlfriend for the benefits more than for the person
5. Not having a clue what women really want from a date
6. Not standing out from the crowd and, thus, simply not getting noticed (and no one can be boring until they've been noticed and their personality revealed)
7. Doesn't think very many single guys that age really want relationships and/or are as ready for them as they like to think

None of that is boring, although most aren't exactly signals of relationship material.

GiantHockyFan does not sound boring at all to me, just, well, maybe not quite in a boyfriend mindset yet. There is a HUGE difference.

And, really, if anyone is going to get inside the head of a married woman we've never met, is more likely to be you or me?

I think you really are starting to get it and I appreciate you think I might not have enough of the boyfriend mindset. You might be right that I am close but still a little too wrapped up in my own little world and I continue to work on that. I would agree it's probably a combination of #s 1,2,5 and 6(aside from height). I think what she was trying to say was that I am not a failure or a freak (I am REALLY hard on myself) but I am not as quality of a catch as I like to think I am.... at least not yet.


I would encourage you not to think of yourself in terms of how much of a "catch" you are (or are not); relationships in today's world really are not about that. A relationship really is about compatibility, being right for each other. AND being in the right life phase to make it work; a whole lot of different things have to come together, and most of them are not in our control.

You'll get there.

REPEAT: I NEVER meant to imply that you are anything less of a "catch" than you think you are, or than the next guy is, and so on; and I doubt your co-worker did, either.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


Last edited by DW_a_mom on 28 May 2014, 5:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.

The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,664
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

28 May 2014, 4:33 pm

Your over-thought list ended up making him feel he's "not a catch".

Good job, Dw Mom :thumright:



DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

28 May 2014, 5:05 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Your over-thought list ended up making him feel he's "not a catch".

Good job, Dw Mom :thumright:


Yeah, I should know better than to try to respond to other posters instead of staying focused on the issue at hand. Diversions often are not only unhelpful, but easily misunderstand.

Let's just stick with Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and they each have to learn how to travel through space and handle the climate changes.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

28 May 2014, 5:20 pm

GiantHockeyFan, to emphasize: I NEVER meant to imply that you are anything less of a "catch" than you think you are, or than the next guy is, and so on; and I doubt your co-worker did, either.

NONE of this is supposed to be about that, and I really apologize for writing things that could be read that way.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).