Is having "date backup" a good idea?

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For info on why a friend's a better idea than an unprotected in-person gentle rejection, see the When Women Refuse tumblr. You just don't know who the guy is, really, meeting him for the first time.

Also, sad but necessary, check court records before you go. I've been in conversations with men, checked court records, and found oh dear, no, this isn't someone I want to meet anywhere. Online records are also a good honesty check -- again, sad but true, some guys are married, or much older than they claim, or have other things going on that they neglected to mention.

I don't think it's insulting to the particular man; it's just a recognition that meeting a man you don't know is potentially dangerous, and it's good to have a graceful way out, plus someone who's looking out for you. Walking away with a friend is much safer than walking away alone.

It's pretty rude.

Unless she feels her safety would be in danger, there's no reason for it. I agree with the "mens rights" guy.

Am I the only one who assumes it would have truly been a contingency, requiring some action to trigger?

If you're out with a guy you don't really know, and things are feeling creepy/uncomfortable, then there's your contingency. No apology's necessary for that.

hale_bopp, it'd be great if women could just assume it's safe to be out with men they met online and don't really know, but unfortunately it's just not a smart thing to assume. Given the rate at which women have drugs slipped into their drinks, too, it's a good idea for someone to at least know where you're going and when to expect an "everything's fine, I had a _____ time" call.

Most of the guys I've been out with have been okay, but one turned out to be quite violent, and another -- well, I should've known, given how pushy he was about getting a date, but he got pretty angry when I cut the date short. (Why'd I do that? Because he started talking about how he used to slap his ex-girlfriend around.) Followed me out into the parking lot. It would've been very good to've had a friend coming to pick me up. Pre-cellphone days, unfortunately. And then there were a few guys who assumed that "going for a coffee" meant "I'm coming over to your house for sex." Um no.

That isn't the case here though, this girl is just being a b***h.
'Creepy" is not a reason to do this.

No. No, you are not.

Except, you know, it kinda is.
If someone thinks a person is "Creepy", then they are afraid of that person on some level.

Would you call it "Being a b***h" if she said no instead of trying to go through with it, albeit with a safe way out?

No. But from what I gathered she wants an easy way out of not having to deal with him. It's not the same as being in danger. There is little reason for her to be in any danger when it's in broad daylight in a very busy public place.

No-one is forcing her to meet him, she chose to. If you go ahead with meeting someone, wanting an excuse to leave early is rather rude, why can't she just be honest and say 'I'm not feeling anything".

It has already been stated that she has a reason for wanting a contingency plan, and has had to use force to keep herself safe in the past.

There's a difference between wanting to leave because she doesn't like him and wanting to leave because she feels unsafe around him. In the former, I have no doubt that she'd simply do as you suggest, but in the latter, I would personally avoid upsetting him if I were her, in favor of having a VERY good excuse and some backup.

I would need to know more about the specific situation to be the judge of that.

Personally, if he's going to grab her, he's not going to let her call a friend first. She's better off with the pepper spray.

One may give off "Axe Murderer" vibes without actually attacking someone.

The idea is that if she feels as if he would be offended by her leaving and follow her and drag her into an alleyway or something, she'd rather have backup so the odds are in her favor.

Unfortunately this is not true, depending on the guy. Strangers will not, in general, intercede. And there are some men who don't take kindly to being told, "Thanks, but I really have to go now." Like I said, I met a guy in a busy cafe who, midway through the date, started telling me about how he used to abuse his ex. And when I got up and left and he chased me out, nobody followed; when he tried to corner me against a car in the parking lot, nobody stopped him. Had I shown I was afraid in any way, I suspect he would've tried to grab my arm and pull me away someplace so he could "reason" with me.

I wish it weren't true, but women actually have to be careful. I'm suddenly remembering some chick named Nigella, too. Broad daylight, busy public place, paparazzi, yada.

Also, frankly, if she wants an easy way out of the date... what is it exactly that she owes him? Answer: nothing. No, it's not pleasant to be rejected mid-date, but if women don't want to waste their time with someone whose company they really don't enjoy, then they're allowed not to do that. For any reason. She does not owe him an explanation, and actually I don't see why she should risk saying, "Sorry, not attracted to you," before leaving. Again, there are men who take that sort of thing badly.

Maybe, she should just stay home.

Or you could get to the end of the date and polite partly. No-one is saying it's a good idea to abruptly leave.

To the previous poster.. there is a possibility it would be unsafe in a very public and busy place, but tbh that likely hood is extremely, extremely low.

And I have met a lot of people online before. Many turned out to be creepy and possibly dangerous. You just need to organise it properly and not to do anything stupid.

I personally think there are other options to stay safe without getting guy friends to cut in in case he's "a creeper".

Toward the top of the thread, I posted the strategies and guidelines I use. If those won't work, then what will? Let's face it, meeting someone for a cup of coffee at Starbucks can't be much more dangerous than having a burger at Wendy's with a bunch of random strangers sitting around.

Sure it can. The random strangers haven't pinned any hopes on you. Who knows about the guy you're sitting across the table from.

Totally agree with your rules for meeting online dating people. (Why are so many so crazy? I used to do a lot of checking up, I mean a lot, and they'd still turn up desperate and nuts. And the lies, wow.) It's still more dangerous for most women than it is for most men, though, because we're smaller and because the guys are more likely to be dangerously violent than women are.

Ms. "No one understands me" sounds terrifying.