ASPI Question

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When my husband was in seminary, one year we had an income of $17,000 for a family of 4, and for the whole 5 years of it, our income averaged less than $20,000 per year. There were weeks that I did not have money to go grocery shopping. And we have always had very old cars that were unreliable.

When you share one old car with your spouse, and it is the way either of you get to work, and it breaks down, and it will cost more than the car is worth to get it fixed and you have no money to get another one.

When I say I've been there, I've been there. It is not something that one can easily keep up for years. It is *extremely* straining.

And I am one who doesn't need nice things. I don't need to go out a lot on dates, I cook almost everything from scratch, we shop at thrift stores, we own goats and chickens, and I garden.

I didn't marry for money. My husband and I met were both music majors in college. Never did we expect we would actually have money.

But if you're going to have no money, you better be the right person and marry the right person. And you better know that it is extremely difficult to go that route. And you better realize that all the "love" in the world is not going to make $ appear in the bank account.

And again, it is not just about money. Money problems *can* be overcome if both people are really, really committed. But, there also has to be the strength of the emotional attachment, too.

So I'm getting the feeling from reading these posts that dating and marriage has less to do with love than it does with financial security. This is something I always suspected. Marriage is more of a financial merger with profit forecasts than two people who care about each other.

But I guess there are other things I don't offer such as emotional stability, good conversation, neatness.

Jeez, this thread makes me want to shoot myself in the head.

Love is really really weird. Why limit your self?

Not so. It's merely a component. People want to marry equal or better, typically, and that includes financial status. Marriage != for profit, but I don't blame people for not wanting to marry someone who cannot contribute financially to their relationship & future family. IMO there has to be attraction & love and all that good stuff in the mix, too, but for many it's a deal breaker if it means there won't be a second income contributing.

I'd imagine that's so especially where I live where wages are lower than most of the country & we have the highest costs of housing in the country which make ours the 2nd least affordable on the face of the earth. (2nd to Hong Kong in terms of local income vs. housing costs.) It likely makes it a more important criteria for most couples to consider as having two strong incomes isn't about living a life of luxury so much as it is required to struggle to live a middle class lifestyle here.

I didn't vote.

If I had enough money to support both of us, and I loved her, I'd take a girl on disability in a heartbeat.

If I didn't have the requisite ability to support both of us, I probably wouldn't, owing to practicality.

Ann2011, as a female making that statement I am surprised.

Most of those whom voted they would date someone on disability are likely males, men by tradition are expected to take care of their families so a womans lack of income is not as relevant to men as it would be to women..

Guess there are a few good ones out there left after all.

I have been a gypsy, traveled places and done things others could only dream of going on for some vacation. all without money (well, I did work as I traveled, but for the most part I was always broke). when people worship money for their happiness then they are no more then a slave to its dependence. except for gas money and now and then car repairs, I can find tons of stuff to do that does not take any real money to enjoy. rock hounding, gold panning, exploring old and abandoned places, painting, pottery, hiking, star gazing, etc.

But this basically answers my question, which I for the most part already knew the answer. most women wouldn't bother with a male on disability, if your a male on disability your odds drop radically, basically SOL, this does not mean its not possible, anything is possible, just unlikely. under the same circumstances of disability women have greater odds then a male of getting into a relationship.

Tell me, if the world went to hell in a basket, and money became worthless, would you be miserable because of it? or is life what you make it?

Last edited by AspergianMutantt on 07 Jul 2014, 10:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

The men I've lived with/been married to have always been concerned about my ability to generate income. Which I have never been successful with, (or with the relationships.)


I agree. You can live more independently if you accept being poor. It's amazing what you can learn to live without - and empowering to not be a slave to endlessly more expensive toys.

I have no problems dating a person on disability,I get it,I'd be a hypocrite if I ruled a person out because of that.If they were getting it fraudulently by faking an illness,THAT would rule them out.One of the few dates I went on was a man getting it for psoriatic arthritis.I was actually glad he was on it,becuse then I didn't have to feel any stigma because I was.

makes me feel that way too.

I really don't care if people make money or little money. It doesn't matter. I don't love for money or security.

I do not message women who have degrees or high paying jobs. No point balking up the tree of guaranteed rejection

Excellent point. I'd feel fine as the things I enjoy in life that make me happy aren't things and don't cost money. I do have some savings now, but if they evaporated my day to day happiness wouldn't change much if any. As long as I can still afford necessities like healthy food, I'm good. Because I enjoy time with friends/family immensely,and spend time out in solitude running/hiking etc, I don't Need money to be happy. But it's still nice to be accumulating some for a rainy day. (and since I live in a temperate rainforest, there are a lot of rainy days! So I kind of need money for my future. )

What I find better than that is to be earning more money while living below your means enjoying the simple free things in life to the fullest. It allows you to be free of materialism & live a life of contentment and abundance of non-monetary things, while accumulating financial wealth in order to have some security for the future in lieu of more expensive toys now.

I know two women who are married to men on disability.

As others have said, it's hard. I might have done it (were I the marrying kind, which I'm not). But after seeing those two and how relentless the problem is, and how the weight of it seems go grow. I'd know better. Thing is though, if you fall in love, you fall in love. Are you going to use your heart or your brain to decide?

ONe of these women is so resentful that her marriage is a huge spite-fest. She left him alone in the hospital when he was having surgery a while back. She will engineer situations that allow her to moan about him all day (he's obese and she thinks that is the cause of all his problems, but she's obese and eats crap too).

The other one is not so resentful, but her husband has MS and he was diagnosed before they were married. (At least she's not resentful out loud, or to us.)

I think it would be really hard to be married to somebody who believes they are not capable of working and who might believe their illness and their own perceived weaknesses come before the relationship. This is one reason I would not be married though because there are certain things I just could not do (parties can literally make me vomit from stress). I need a lot of time alone, etc etc. And I'm not on disability, I support myself entirely.

I don't believe in living for the future. Who knows what it will bring and I can't effect it. My father spent his whole life living frugally while acquiring a large savings, then he fought a ten year battle with cancer and never had time to enjoy retirement. (His care was covered as this is Canada.) Anyway, I certainly wouldn't mind more wealth; but I would spend it like I'm going to die tomorrow. Lol (Oh, and I didn't inherit. My wicked step-mother got everything. he knew what I'm like.)

what are thier concerns or problems or is it just that their husband's are disabled.?

My brother has mS, his selfish wife is making it 10times worse then it would have been out of her own selfishness to want money and attention from others.

SSI or SSDI doesn't mean we are horrible people unable to function or do simiple tasks.
I might one day get off them, though I wonder what the point is. people here and on okc paint such a horrible picture. It almost seems It would be better just to stay on them.

why should I work myself to death to gain nothing in the end.

I do believe in living in the present moment, but also for planning for the future.. like my father says "yeah, but what happens if you get unlucky & live? " Kinda gotta have something saved away for the future/retirement etc so as not to be at the mercy of CPP/Old Age Pension etc & depending on what little they provide to scrape by on.