Ladies: when does a guy get too emotional for you?

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Exactly.

I've found women get a bit put off by me being passionate about social issues too, which is odd. When I start going on about how the people in power have no idea what it's like to be a working-to-lower-middle class member of society, I usually get an uninterested "yeah" or something like that

In general, it's way much quicker for women to use words for a man complaining/showing such as "insecure", "crybaby", "whiny"....than vice versa.


I recall in the old days of MSN, I was used to chat with a user who's no longer active here, in every time she was used to mention her fat problems and complaint about her weight and it's making it harder for her for dating, when I mentioned my height (to tell her than I can relate) she attacked me and called me whiny and that I am complaining about my height a lot.

I recall well that I rechecked our whole chat history to see if there's any justice in her accusations, and I found out that I've only mentioned my height twice, while she mentioned her weight problem almost daily.

I don't see why anyone would be attracted to anyone who was constantly negative and complaining. I've had a couple partners who were like that (i.e., perpetual victims), and it was soul-sucking after awhile. I don't think anyone would judge a man negatively for breaking down in response to a truly traumatic event, but if he's going to whine and cry all the time about the little injustices of daily life, I've got better things to do with my time. I feel exactly the same about women. I've had female friends whose apparent role in life was to play the victim. Eventually, you start to realize that they ENJOY playing the victim. Blech.

Everyone has insecurities - I don't see that as a problem. It's only a problem when a person becomes obsessed with their own insecurities.

This was the sort of thing I was talking about, Boo. Weirdly enough, in the past I've talked to women who dislike traditional gender roles, and yet would act very similarly to the situation you mentioned. I mean, surely women are putting themselves in the "weaker" role if the man is supposed to listen to her problems but she can't deal with his. Pretty ironic, really. Gender roles have barely progressed since the dawn of humans

I don't think laddo was talking about extreme or even over cases.

No, I wasn't. In fact, Eureka's post kind of sums up how men with insecurities are seen by women. If you complain about something once or twice, you get labelled as a crybaby who supposedly moans all the time. It's soul-sucking for a girlfriend to constantly say she's not pretty, too, especially when you tell her time and time again that you think she's beautiful and that should be all that matters.

It's not like it's an isolated incident with me being attacked for talking about my own insecurities. A huge percentage of women I've known have thought they're fat or not pretty on at least one occasion, even when they're a little underweight and stunningly beautiful. I'm not talking about anorexics, either. I'm talking about women who are on the most part stable. Yet when I've mentioned being too skinny, I essentially get told to man up. Some women have actually got pretty pissed off with me for mentioning my being underweight

My point was that, short of those kinds of extremes, most women - at least the ones I know personally, and the ones who've posted in this thread - actually like a certain level sensitivity in men, especially for long-term relationships. Why else would the vast majority of the male profiles on dating sites say something to the effect of "I've been known to cry at sappy movies" or "I cried at my daughter's wedding"?

My guess is that women over the age of 30 or so have had too much of macho, preening, posturing a$$holes and are looking for someone more in tune to settle down with.

I imagine that the level of "desired sensitivity" is probably slightly different for every woman on the planet. My suggestion, therefore, is to be yourself, but don't be a Negative Nancy or a Depressed Dave all the frickin' time.

It's not so much about gender roles. Not many people like to listen to other people's problems especially when they just like to complain without seeking practical solutions.

There was this guy I met online who quickly started to talk about his problems like how his mother nearly died in a car accident and the insurance company is refusing to pay for it and his brother's chest x-Ray showed a shadow in his lung, etc... All this within a few messages. It was odd.
So yeah a lot of people just like to have their problems listened to but don't like to listen to others'.
There are people who love to tend to other people's emotional needs but those are very rare.

Last edited by Yuzu on 11 Jul 2014, 11:14 am, edited 2 times in total.

Men hate drama. So do women.

I don't like clinginess from anyone, it worries me that they'll get mad if I don't respond within X amount of time or in an incorrect way etc. I don't want to feel like I owe anyone anything, or anyone chasing after me because they think I've done something wrong.

I try not to talk about how I feel too much, as a woman. If I do, it tends to be very short. I tend to vent on here if I feel bad, but then I delete the post again, because it's reality for me that *nobody* is interested in what I'm passionate about.

You can still be caring and emotional and not talk about it. I think women are OK with that as long as you don't cry over small things. I remember dating a guy who went into his past and cried about it in front of me. It really felt like it was a test to see how I would react. I did not like it, and it felt manipulative. Someone else used to cry over small things, and he wasn't sympathetic when he basically forced me to open up. He ended up crying on my shoulder and I really, really hated him.

The last two examples are based on intention. Those men were overly emotional, in a bad way. I'm sure if a man was crying from feeling genuinely upset, then I would be fine with it.

And, it's not about confidence, it's about availability - from men and women.

Yeah, they claim they want sensitivity but when it's there in front of them, it's goodbye to Mr Relationship and hello to Mr Even-lower-self-esteem for the man. I was unaware that most male profiles on dating sites said anything of the sort, too. From what I've seen, it's mostly a long boast about how manly they are. And of course, it works.

Like I said, it only takes one or two mentions of anything the guy is insecure about to be labelled as a "Depressed Dave". Read Boo's example. Then read this: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfre ... dy-failure
Men are killing themselves because everyone expects them to just "be a man" and they have no real support. We have to be the "protectors" for women simply because we're physically bigger, which is ridiculous considering the amount of women I know who could seriously hurt a man if they wanted to

It may be an age-related phenomenon, too. Women are evolutionarily programmed to want the guy with the most power (just as men are evolutionarily programmed to look for the "healthiest" women, which translates in modern society to "prettiest"), but our huge brains are also capable of learning that what we instinctively look for in a "mate" is not necessarily what is best for us. (Researching male/female chemistry/psychology is one of my "obsessions.")

Women aren't kidding when they say they want a sensitive guy. Again, the level of sensitivity is dependent on how successful any given woman has been at overcoming her biological and evolutionary "programming" to go for the biggest, strongest, manliest men. Not all are completely successful at overcoming those factors, just like not all men are successful at overcoming their "programming" to want only the prettiest ones.

My late fiance (who will forever remain in my memories as "the perfect man" even though he had no power, very little money, and no social skills whatsoever) had his share of insecurities, and he didn't hesitate to talk about them to me. What he *didn't* do, however, was harp on them daily, or let them interfere with how he went about his life, or see himself as a victim of any kind. Anything that anyone (male or female) harps on daily is going to get old once you realize they're not looking to solve their issues, they're just looking for ego strokes.

Like I said though, I don't harp on about things daily. I seek support from female friends or girlfriends occasionally and I end up getting hurt. Which then leads to me having more issues and then it becomes an endless cycle. I'm not saying all women are like this, because the only two people I really speak to these days are both female and they're both very patient and great listeners. They have problems, just like me, and we try to give each other advice. But most of my experiences with seeking support from women ends up with me being told to man up. I did say that maybe going into a rant may put women off, but it is a bit soul destroying to see men that are massive dickheads ending up with women just because they're "real men" and show barely any emotion. The problem is, I think most men become so indoctrinated with the belief that being a man involves showing little emotion that they genuinely come to believe that burying emotions to rot and fester inside them makes them strong. Sometimes I really wish I did get the not-showing-much-emotion aspect of being an aspie. Instead, though, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, even when I don't want to

Personally, I don't have a problem with anyone showing emotion (so long as it's not extreme anger - anger freaks me out).

Not to get too personal here, but what is your age, Laddo? It may be that the women in your age group have not yet learned the hard way that macho men who never show emotions are not that great to be in a relationship with.

I'm 23. You're probably right that a lot of women my age still haven't got over raw, instinctive attraction to alpha males. I just find it ironic that so many women my age also complain about men like that, yet still continuously go for them. It's a depressing thought. I definitely need an aspie girl who bases things less on looks and strength and more on personality. Most women would probably find me quite pleasant if they gave me a chance and looked beyond the depression

You would be best to avoid them as soon as they start something like that. Honestly if I were you I would try to go after women no younger than 28. The younger they are the less mature they are generally.