The Aspie - Borderline Couple

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I wonder if you could find a way of letting her know about Borderline indirectly? Maybe she's never even heard of it. Learning about it could help her gain insight to her behavior patterns and causes, and start to try to improve herself. Maybe print out an article on BPD and leave it somewhere she'll see it?

I dunno, it's up to you. It's not your obligation to tell her. It could help her to know though!

Wow, same situation as us! Thanks for responding

Any good books on either BPD or Aspergers that'd you'd recommend? Or anything online you've found on the BPD-Aspie couple?

I'm currently reading The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome, by Tony Attwood: http://www.amazon.com/The-Complete-Guid ... 1843106698 It's good so far, but mostly geared toward parents whose children have Aspergers, I think. But still, as a general introduction to Aspergers, it's helpful.

As for Borderline books, I've read too many to name. Can't say a single one stood out though. My favorite book that discusses Borderline is a book on personality disorders in general, and that's Millon's Personality Disorders in Modern Life. http://www.amazon.com/Personality-Disor ... 0471237345
It's expensive, but I've found so worth it! It details not just the personality disorder, but also his subtypes. Really informative. If the book is too expensive though, you can find some of the info on wiki. It's on the main BPD page, just scroll down to subtypes. Millon is the one who came up with the subtypes, FYI.

That's really a good lesson you learned: that if you want something, you have to ask directly. I'm not very good at that, but it does work! My husband gets genuinely confused by even some of my behavior that's within normal range. Like if I'm sad a relative died, and I'm crying-- he just stands there, hands at his side, kind of in a silent panic, like he's terrified he'll say the wrong thing. And he can't remember, probably because he's panicking, that "hugging" is the thing to do when your partner is crying. But if I ask him, "Can you sit with me and hug me?" he will. I think like many Aspies, he's very caring, he just doesn't know how to _show_ that caring. And like most Aspies (I think), anyone appearing emotional is frightening to him. Probably from a history of not "doing the right thing" and therefore getting a critical response.

That's great your guy helps you, in that he's a logical person. I too have found that being with someone logical helps a lot. My husband has been an incredibly good influence on me.

I read a lot of Aspie's are hypersensitive to stimuli like sound and light. Funny, my husband isn't. He's partly deaf though. On the other hand, I'm hypersensitive to those things.

Did you both know about the BPD and Aspergers prior to getting together?

You're right, I really didn't include all that with my initial argument, and I feel like I should have. Just, what happens to me personally, I focus on my anger issues, and then you kinda forget other people get angry too, and I'm like 'You did WHAT now?' at them, which is basically me telling them off for not doing what I've been trying to do, if I try to control my anger it just ends up me arguing with people for not controlling theirs. So at the end of the day, there isn't almost any action with no consequence.

OP, it sounds like you've worked very hard to make improvements to yourself and that's fantastic! You should be proud.

At this point you need to ask yourself if this relationship is going to help you with your journey or hinder it. Is this a journey you can make positively as a couple or one that can't be supported by someone with Aspergers issues.

Right, that's exactly what I was thinking.



Well, I haven't even talked to her in...probably a couple years now. Not even sure if she's still on my Facebook and doesn't post, or if she's unfriended me, or what =)

I know, it's hard when both people are passionate types prone to temper flare ups! One person starts to get angry, then the other person gets offended and shows annoyance, then the first person gets madder, second person gets mad, and so on until there's just one big fight.

It's hard to control, I agree. I've read about Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) a few times, and there's some good advice about how to stay calm and not give in to anger or anxiety. Taking deep breaths, naming things in the room (dresser, chair, couch), counting, etc.. It's helpful, but? it doesn't deal with the urge to release the anger. I used to go running a lot, and that helped. When you're physically worn out, sometimes you lack the mental energy to express anger. And exercise real eases endorphins.

Thanks for the kind words, elk clan

Unfortunately, deciding whether or not to be in my relationship isn't a even a choice for me at this point. We both work from home, and so we're around each other all day every day (our offices are in rooms next to one another, though we sometimes work in one another's offices) and our lives and existence is so tied in together that I really can't even fathom being without him. On a trip, sure. Even for several months. But not permanently. Aside from the other things I mentioned, I'm also still emotionally dependent on him, although I am much healthier than I used to be.

That being said, I want to be with him. If I felt able to make a choice, I would still chose to be with him. He's a great person and generally a great husband. But he does need to work on his communication skills, his reactive temper, and his affection. Thankfully, within the last several months, he's finally agreed to work on these things

Oh, I see, didn't realize it had been so long. Maybe she's begun to realize her disorder on her own by this point, one could only hope! I've noticed that BPD is mentioned now in mainstream movies sometimes and just generally seems to be more known. Ten years ago, no one I talked to had ever heard of it. And the symptoms were always assumed to be bipolar. Now it's becoming more within common knowledge. I'm glad!

I'm male and on the autism spectrum and I have long distance relationships with borderline women online. While my main issue is severe depression, I probably have some borderline traits myself. I'm highly sensitive at least. I'd probably be afraid to have a real life relationship with someone with BPD because sometimes they turn on you, get angry, and dump you for no reason other than they no longer feel attracted. It's like they're addicted to falling in love, but only the "falling" part. I'm too sensitive myself to deal with that kind of blow. I just like having people to talk to that sort-of "get" me. Completely normal people are harder to emotionally connect to for some reason. They just don't understand my depression.

As for the affection thing, I have trouble initiating affection because I'm sensitive to rejection. To show affection and then be treated like it was unwanted would feel like being punched in the gut with a ton of bricks. You can't be angry when you want affection or that fear takes over. I think that's a big issue with BPD, acting resentful when you want something. I think I do it too sometimes, with my own parents mainly.

I am pretty sure of my parents, one is borderline and the other is aspergers, it kind of runs in the family. They got divorced, but I think it was mostly because of poor communication on both sides.

I think what the two conditions have in common is that they both involve issues with executive functioning, but one is kind of opposite of the other in terms of sensitivity for example. I'd say borderline people don't pick up much on details, but can process things a lot faster.

It's probably one of those cases where the opposites attract. I've met quite a few borderline people, and I usually get along pretty well with them because we face similar issues. But, It can be hard to communicate and share space with them as we think differently.

If my ex hadn't been intimate with me, we could probably still be good friends. Unfortunately, she has too strong of feelings for to do anything but go completely non-contact with her. Another reason why I am not complaining my current date is moving at a snail's pace: at least if it doesn't work out, there won't be those overwhelming emotions to deal with.

I do feel bad for her and other BPD women but I will never allow one to enter my life again. The amount of destruction (both literally and figuratively) took me a long time to recover from. Even if it wasn't her 'fault', I refuse to sacrifice my well being and happiness to rescue someone who doesn't know they are drowning. I can only imagine what life would have been like had I allowed to her to move in with me. I would have likely committed suicide or checked into a psych ward. I could enjoy her in small doses but day in day out of wild, unpredictable mood swings took its toll on my mental health.

That all makes sense!

What makes you think your parents were an Aspergers - Borderline couple?

Wow, that's really insightful. About Borderlines being "addicted to falling in love." I've been that way since I started dating. I love the beginning! You're euphoric, feel special and doted on, learning about someone new and interesting, them thinking that you're wonderful, all the talk about the future and imagining what it will be like-- it all offers an escape from reality AND an escape from who you are, you can just convince yourself that you're this other person that your new partner seems to think you are. You tell yourself, "Sure, I can be this way from now on." But then you start to crumble a few months in, and reality hits hard. At that point it becomes time to move on.

When I decided to move in with my husband, we had only been dating about four months. He really moved mountains to be with me, and scarified a lot. So I promised myself that I would not leave him in a year or two when I got bored and wanted to be in the fresh beginning "in love" stage. But even though the newness is gone, thankfully I'm not bored of him. I think it's a combination of how good a match we are and also how I've improved a great deal from the Borderline. (I actually no longer meet the full criteria.)

I was with a narcissist a few years before I met my husband. The guy was really a classic case too-- spent more time in front of the mirror than anyone I ever met, carried a camera around and asked me to take his pictures often, checked out his reflection everything we were on a walk and passing car windows? Of course, those things were nothing in comparison to his emotional selfishness, immaturity, arrogance, and meanness. He was addicted to that in love phase too, like I was. We really fed off of each other for awhile. It felt great, but it wasn't real. And once we started to be ourselves, we realized we didn't even like each other. I'm glad I was with him though. Being with someone who was MORE selfish than I was and who could be meaner and show little to no empathy really taught me first hand how it felt to be treated that way-- the way that I had treated others in the past. It helped me become a kinder and more caring person. (Granted, I was never a narcissist, but some of the traits between NPD and BPD are similar, and they're in the same cluster.)




I think my husband has trouble initiating affectation for the same reason as you do: fear of rejection. He has a heightened sense of feeling humiliated (I read that this can be an Aspergers trait). If he makes himself feel vulnerable by asking something and then he's rejected, he gets red in the face and very hurt, but doesn't say much, just retreats. He's told me that when he was a teenager, he had lots of female friends, but he never made any moves on them or asked them out. He didn't want to be rejected, and never took the risk. He felt he had to be "certain" that the girl was into him before he'd ask her out. One of the girls even had a whipped cream fight with him and then took her shirt off and asked him to wash her hair! And he just thought, "She just wants me to wash her hair. She took her shirt off because it was dirty." No, no silly, she was desperately trying to let you know she was into you! I told him this and he obviously wished he had realized that at the time.




Sorry to hear about your depression. Is depression a common issue among people with Aspergers? I know it's common among Borderlines. I read that Aspies can feel like social outcasts, and that that can cause them to feel bad about themselves, which can lead to depression. I also read that Aspies can be highly sensitive, and definitely Borderlines are.

Do you think one of the reasons you prefer the long distance relationships with Borderlines is because you can not get as attached and go from one to the other and keep experiencing that "in love" beginning phase? (I know you said that one reason is not wanting to get hurt.) Do you ever date people without Borderline?

I think that's a good call not to be around people with Borderline. It's really chaotic and, I agree, destructive. It sounds like you have sympathy, and you understand that Borderlines can't completely help being the way that they are, which is a kind perspective considering how hurt you've been in the past as a result of a Borderline's behavior. I think that's big of you But yeah, understanding someone is different than accepting how they treat you. Being emotionally abused by someone (which is what Borderlines tend to do) is not fair at all. There's whole books written to help people get out of their relationships with Borderlines.

It sounds like you learned a lot from your experience though, and are using that knowledge to be more cautious and to look after protecting your feelings. I hope the new relationship continues to go well!

I once worked with someone with BPD and it was not a fun experience. I found this person to be very perplexing. They exhibited unpredictable mood swings and took any problem I alerted them to as a personal criticism. While it's not unusual for others to become upset with someone with HFA/AS due to misunderstandings or missed social cues, I had made an effort in this case to be particularly mindful of my interactions with this person, to the extent that I became fairly confident that it was not I who was out of line.

This individual eventually made some potentially damaging accusations against me, however, as this person's behavior struck me as erratic after our first few interactions, and after much thought, I concluded they either had some type of substance abuse problem, or psychiatric issue, I began documenting our interactions early on, and was able to use these records to refute (to this person's own satisfaction, and the satisfaction of others involved) the accusations against me.

It was during the resolution of this issue that I began to learn about BPD and, while I found the perspectives of those with this disorder, very alien to me, I was able to comprehend what drives their seemingly illogical behavior such that I was able to find a way to continue to work with this individual for the remainder of the duration of work relationship.

Apparently, those with BPD experience unusually strong emotions, even in the face of everyday circumstances. This is foreign to me. While I'm not devoid of emotions, in most situations, my initial internal response to daily interactions is not an emotive one, but analytic one. I put a lot of effort into trying to determine what a person is trying to communicate to me, and that alone does not leave much room for "knee jerk" emotional responses. After all, how can one become emotional if one does not know what to be emotional about?

While this person did eventually manage to upset me, (ironically what upset me the most was this person's seeming lack of logic and ability to reason), I believe my consistent personality, and the consistency in which I dealt with this person despite their own behavior, contributed positively to managing the situation.

Our work relationship ended on a positive note, but I hope to never have to work with someone with such disruptive issues in the future.

That being said, I'm very glad I do not have BPD. I'm also glad I'm not an empath. They both seem very draining. I do not envision a romantic relationship between me and someone with BPD working out. I prefer calm relationships and I would rather be alone than in a turbulent relationship.

I am not understanding. How are you able to not react with negative emotion when other people people are negative or don't make sense? I would love to understand and be able to do this and my expectation of logic gets in the way when people surprise, shock me so I get quite upset.