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Sometimes the right thing feels wrong

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funeralxempire
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04 Nov 2014, 10:04 pm

Jjancee wrote:
A woman you've never met in person brings her 3 yo along on a date? That's a giant, flashing, neon sign that screams "boundary issues, run for the hiiiills".


Run to the hills. Run for your life.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDd-GXkMrJs[/youtube]


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04 Nov 2014, 10:22 pm

Jjancee wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
It all sounds fair enough to me. It's frustrating going through that time period of "I know I'll feel fine about this later but right now I feel bad about it" but there's nothing you can do to stop the current bad feelings. Rational thinking will not help out in these times! Just have to ride it out, as they say.


A woman you've never met in person brings her 3 yo along on a date? That's a giant, flashing, neon sign that screams "boundary issues, run for the hiiiills".

Ghosting was totally the right thing to do.

I meant that everything he did sounds fair.



marshall
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05 Nov 2014, 12:48 am

Jjancee wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
It all sounds fair enough to me. It's frustrating going through that time period of "I know I'll feel fine about this later but right now I feel bad about it" but there's nothing you can do to stop the current bad feelings. Rational thinking will not help out in these times! Just have to ride it out, as they say.


A woman you've never met in person brings her 3 yo along on a date? That's a giant, flashing, neon sign that screams "boundary issues, run for the hiiiills".

Ghosting was totally the right thing to do.


He didn't "ghost" her. He did the right thing and told her the truth.



Dox47
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05 Nov 2014, 12:55 am

Jjancee wrote:
A woman you've never met in person brings her 3 yo along on a date? That's a giant, flashing, neon sign that screams "boundary issues, run for the hiiiills".


Yeah, I wasn't totally comfortable with that, but I decided to give it a try and see how it went, which was okay, but it was definitely a bit weird. Being a bit of an odd duck myself, I can't be too judgmental about these things and prefer to try and get to know people at least a little bit before totally writing them off, since I'd hope for similar considerations for some of my eccentricities, but the total package here just had too many warning signs.

I didn't 'ghost' though, I said what needed to be said, no more no less, and kept silent when it was the best option, since there was nothing to gain by over-explaining or arguing at that point.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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05 Nov 2014, 5:53 am

She desperately wants a provider daddy for her daughter.



kraftiekortie
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05 Nov 2014, 9:29 am

Nerdygirl is very sensible--and gives sensible advice.



marshall
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05 Nov 2014, 4:06 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
She desperately wants a provider daddy for her daughter.

That's a bit simplistic.



dimwit79
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05 Nov 2014, 4:14 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Nerdygirl is very sensible--and gives sensible advice.


it's true, the advice she gave was perfectly good and probably better than most nts would give. She'd probably have gotten away with it if not for the fact that a lot of people on this board have a lot of good well reasoned opinions too. There's just a lot of competition for well reasoned advice here and she got pipped at the post. Certainly a respectable opinion though.



marshall
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05 Nov 2014, 4:24 pm

Janissy wrote:
Dox47 framed this as a lesson in not pursuing a potentially toxic relationship out of inertia or a sense of duty. That a little pain now is better than a lot of pain later. It could also have dovetailed nicely with the other thread about ghosting (and it still can). But...sex....yup we went there immediately :?

I don't see how this relates to "ghosting" at all. Since he made it clear he was through with her, he didn't "ghost". He handled it as gracefully as possible. He acknowledges that she was a human being with feelings. Otherwise he wouldn't feel bad. People like Jjancee don't acknowledge that others are human beings with feelings. There's a big difference.



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05 Nov 2014, 4:41 pm

oh when the enlightenment hits me.

so I understand now.. some people really have the ability to drag things just to 'not hurt' the other, but thus end up hurting them even more...
and 'ghosting'
wow

well i know now that guy i like doesn't give a damn thing about me...

thanks for the story

going with your gut is really something good!


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Janissy
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05 Nov 2014, 5:26 pm

marshall wrote:
Janissy wrote:
Dox47 framed this as a lesson in not pursuing a potentially toxic relationship out of inertia or a sense of duty. That a little pain now is better than a lot of pain later. It could also have dovetailed nicely with the other thread about ghosting (and it still can). But...sex....yup we went there immediately :?

I don't see how this relates to "ghosting" at all. Since he made it clear he was through with her, he didn't "ghost". He handled it as gracefully as possible. He acknowledges that she was a human being with feelings. Otherwise he wouldn't feel bad. People like Jjancee don't acknowledge that others are human beings with feelings. There's a big difference.


I know he didn't ghost. That's why I thought it would dovetail nicely with the ghosting thread. It is one of those cases where ghosting is most likely to happen and he didn't. Too much of the ghosting thread got taken up with meaningless extremes like right after one meeting (is it even ghosting?) and after being married and having kids. But his situation is actually the most likely and controversial situation: not quite a relationship but there has been sex, a person who may react in scary unpredictable ways.



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05 Nov 2014, 5:49 pm

I think bringing the three year old is a bit odd.

I understand the difficultly to get a sitter as a single mum, but at the same time there is a safety element, I mean how well does she know you? I'm not saying there is anything wrong with, you just common sense. Then there is explaining what is going on to the child especially if this is common behavior. 3 year olds can be surprisingly astute.



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05 Nov 2014, 9:09 pm

Janissy wrote:
But his situation is actually the most likely and controversial situation: not quite a relationship but there has been sex, a person who may react in scary unpredictable ways.


I have actually 'ghosted' in the past in similar situations, but in my case it hasn't really been something I meant to do so much as getting into an anxiety feedback loop over how to break things off and/or explaining a long communications gap. I have a similar problem with my non-romantic friends as well, I'll get distracted and not communicate for a long period of time, and then become extremely anxious that they'll have taken my absence personally, which means I'll avoid seeing them, and so on. It's really frustrating, and something I still haven't figured out a complete solution for. Facebook helps, as it's a low impact way to keep in touch without really keeping in touch, but it's not perfect.


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06 Nov 2014, 2:59 am

Jjancee wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
It all sounds fair enough to me. It's frustrating going through that time period of "I know I'll feel fine about this later but right now I feel bad about it" but there's nothing you can do to stop the current bad feelings. Rational thinking will not help out in these times! Just have to ride it out, as they say.


A woman you've never met in person brings her 3 yo along on a date? That's a giant, flashing, neon sign that screams "boundary issues, run for the hiiiills".

Ghosting was totally the right thing to do.


The OP invited her and then ok'd her bringing the child....she didn't just bring the child along. Not sure bringing a child nessisarily screams 'boundary issues' especially if the person inviting the chick over oks it. Also not sure if clearly stating you are not going to continue dating someone is really the same thing as ghosting as I thought that was when you just stop contacting someone out of the blue...but maybe I don't have the right definition for that. I also know the term is used to describe when you take a hit of marijuana and hold it in long enough for the smoke to essentially dissipate...people do that when trying to be discreet but its a bit more difficult than one would think.

I'd say the angry texting, because the OP didn't respond soon enough and than nasty texts when he said he didn't want to continue the relationship bit was more the sign of potential boundary issues.


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10 Nov 2014, 10:41 am

Jjancee wrote:
A woman you've never met in person brings her 3 yo along on a date? That's a giant, flashing, neon sign that screams "boundary issues, run for the hiiiills".

Ghosting was totally the right thing to do.

Agree with the first part, less so with the second part. Bringing a kid along on a date is just plain bizarre, especially on a first date where you meet in person from online. If you can't find a sitter, the right thing to do is cancel. The OP may have agreed to let his date bring the daughter along out of guilt (wanting to be a good guy) or out of sexual desperation ("no one else will like me, so I have to date this woman, kid be damned"). Which doesn't justify her bringing the kid along. (This doesn't even include the property damage the kid could have inflicted on the OP's home.) After all, most men have a evolutionary revulsion against raising another man's child, unless it's a child they already bonded with (like a close friend's child). Most women know this; hence the difficulty single mothers have finding dates, and therefore, higher probability of enticing new dates with sex, as the OP's lady friend did.

With that said, ghosting may not have been the best course of action, unless direct alternatives present a physical danger or risk of property damage (like getting your car vandalized). It's better to be upfront and tactful. Nothing wrong with using blatantly generic excuses, like "I didn't feel any connection/chemistry". After all, women do it all the time.