My lack of success isn't anyone else's fault.

Post Reply New Topic

The lack of success (dating/relationship wise) is often a symptom of a bigger issue in the person who's failing; luck may be a factor but it's a minor one.

I am entirely sure it's no one else's fault in my case.

Very good topic.

Human selfishness? lol It's all about the honey and the money, baby. It doesn't take a Siggy Freud to figure that one out.

If you question human selfishness or you don't think YOU are selfish, answer the question why you do anything you do?

My decision to become a Christian is at its heart a selfish act. I wanted to secure a place in the afterlife. I wanted to please God. I felt there was something "right" about that, and I wanted to do the "right thing." It made me feel good. In other words, it had to do with me, how I felt, and what I wanted for myself.

There's nothing wrong with that. That's just part of our nature. We can't help it.

We CAN, however, make choices. It makes me feel good to do good things for other people. I do have a love for other people and a desire to help folks. And I choose to do those things.

So it all boils down to the fact people do things for their own reasons and for their own ultimately selfish motives.

If your desire is to be in a relationship, you have to shift your desires to wanting the best for everyone else without counting the cost to yourself. Why? Because to you, seeing others happy or otherwise benefitting from your actions is worth the price you pay. For you, taking the time and sacrificing your own time or your own well-being is not a chore but rather an investment. You get pleasure from watching someone else succeed. You will ALWAYS WIN if that is your goal and the focus of your activities.

Which is why I say in order to get into a relationship, you have to first begin by actively showing an interest in the other person. Leave your own interests out of it unless your interests intersect the interests of others. Talk less, listen more.

Part of why I did as well as I did was I was always in love with WOMEN. They were always these utterly fascinating, mysterious creatures, and the more I learned, the more I wanted more. And?you know?the funny thing about members of the opposite sex is that they are human beings. If you are a man and want to know what women want, ask yourself what you want from another human being. Give that and you'll get your investment back plus dividends.

It's simple?when you show interest in others, they become interested in you. They like having you around because you make them feel good about themselves.

LTRs form when two people show a mutual interest in each other. If you're going to solve the problem of honey and money, you have to master the golden rule.

I've defiantly been guilty of blaming others for my lack of success. It ticked off some of the members who were around then & at least annoyed lots more. I changed 1ce I had someone thou & it helps that we're both needy so I focus on her instead of coming here alot to post about my relationship; I still post where it's relevant but I'm not starting threads at least & I'm sure it's appreciated by members who remember me from before.

"My failures can't be blamed on others," my aunt Sally.

I mean, if it were as simple as me doing something wrong to scare people off, I'd be able to fix that s**t in a hurry.

Thanks for the complements, and analysis.

Please comment on the other parts to the OP if you so wish.

Generally in agreement. I think the desire to secure a place in afterlife obviously appeal more so some people more. Anything like that is OK in principle (even thought I don't believe in it), so long as people are not going to go at extreme length, which involves spilling blood.

It is quite clear there is no clear consensus, as to what get you into heaven, be it accepting Jesus, upholding morals and asking to forgiveness, or blowing yourself up.

I just figure that if there is there are 72 virgins awaiting you, they are probably not your preferred gender and into science fiction.

We all are born in this world, without having any sense what the purpose is of living. The purpose of living is definitely not reproduction, because in millions of year, our planet is doomed to be non-existent. The reason why life existed is also not understood. The reason why their are "living" organism in the universe is also pointless.

btw, the origin of life is not by reproducing, but because of division.

I don't think their is anything objective about life if you look at it, everything is a construct of out limited thinking of our stupid organism.

But one thing is for sure, and Albert Einstein have written or said this:

?If the moon, in the act of completing its eternal way around the Earth, were gifted with self-consciousness, it would feel thoroughly convinced that it was traveling its way of its own accord?. So would a Being, endowed with higher insight and more perfect intelligence, watching man and his doings, smile about man?s illusion that he was acting according to his own free will.?

Everything is connected to the universe, and nothing is "better" or" worser"
for example: reproduction has no benefit for individuals, because the benefit of having a human being on the planet (with a part of your DNA + many mutations + different environment = a different individual which is by no means similiar to the parents.)

In fact, their are many examples of offsprings of parents who are more similiar to other people living on this planet then their similarities of the parents and the offspring. In one family their are many different types of people, and after a couple of generations, the differences are equal to anyone else of the planet.

Some people have the chance to reproduce, but they don't do that, because they think it's not good at the moment for our planet. Other people reproduce.

Also, the differences between individuals is large, but even the largest differences between individuals can change during your
life time. Some people are too selfish because they don't want children, other people are too shelfish because they want children.

You could argue that nothing is selfless because all we want is pleasure, but that is also a cosntruct/believe or assumption. Also, many organism don't have an dopamine system. For example: you could argue that even if a person wants to be dead, he/she is doing it because it's a seflish act, and he/she don't enjoy life. But this kind of thinking is also a cosntruct, because "pleasure" etc. is in our mind, it's not something real, some people hate too much dopamine activity etc. The only objective thing we could say is that we all differ, that life has no reason for our primitive intellects"

You can chose to have as many offsprings in this world by getting drunk and become very charming and all this, and try to donate sperm etc. But by changing yourself to be able to do this, is making you more stupid/primitive and what is the point of reproducing and everything you set yourself to do when you in the process had to make you more stupid. Many people who don't reproduce because of personal choices are maybe the same individuals who reproduce in the year 25000!

Last edited by paxfilosoof on 09 Nov 2014, 7:40 am, edited 3 times in total.

lol So true.

My main point is that such a decision is something you would think is completely self-denying and innocent. The Bible says "There are none that are good, no, not one." Whether my peace after death means sitting on a cloud playing a harp (I'm a musician, so it won't bother me) or chilling with 72 virgins regardless of gender?I'm still DEAD. I doubt that I'm really going to care. Regardless, my decision to place my faith where it is is MINE. If you live a life of self-denial, give up all your money and worldly possessions to help people, or you date a freak because you feel sorry for him, it is a decision you make for your own reasons for YOU.

It's inherent to the human existence. So why worry about it? If we're all brains floating around in vats somewhere, exactly what difference does it make to our experience now? There are simply more important things to worry about in life.

Back on topic: Is your lack of success really anyone's fault? I don't deny that we all have haters out there who are actively bent on destroying our chances. I resolve that by just ignoring them out of existence. Those people don't matter to me, so I choose not to accept them into my life. You can either try to convert those people if you care, or simply fade them from your life if you don't care. I prefer that people like me, but I'm not going to waste my life on the irredeemable. I'm going to first ask the question why haters hate? Is it because I did or am doing something wrong? If so, I'm going to try to get that person to like me by finding out, preferably from them, what I'm doing wrong and how to fix it. If it's just haters gonna hate, I've got no time for that.

But, yes, otherwise, your lack of success is more often going to be on you than it is other people. Even if someone else is giving you a hard time, you still have choices to make about how to handle it. It's not your fault if someone else gives you crap. It's your fault if you choose not to respond positively. Ignoring a problem will more often than not make it go away if you just keep doing what you do. It's not going to go away if you keep whining about "well, he always steals girls from me so I'm just gonna give up."

It's true, I mean I can say others have had an effect on the lack of my relationship success, but overall it was my own free will and decisions that resulted in the outcomes I face today.

Okay you want me to blame everything on myself? Oh wait, then I'll be submissive, and being submissive is unattractive.

I totally didn't see this post. It's a good post. My lack of succes in dating/relationship definitely stem from the social issues and insecurities that I carry with me. It's no one else's fault.

Yeah, sometimes I may be complaining about people on okcupid/dating sites at times .

But the very fact that I went to this stupid side is due to deeper problems that I have; otherwise I wouldn't have been there in the first place.

This is a great thread.

Keep it up, everyone!!

It's not a question of blame.

I was expecting these kinds of responses.

It is about taking responsibility for oneself. There is nothing submissive about that.

Remember, no one has to listen to someone blaming another person for something they have no responsibility for, this is not attractive or sexy.