Aspie boyfriend confronted by my ex....

Post Reply New Topic

I'm confused about this ... why is it bad that she was having sex with her new boyfriend while her baby was in the room. It's not like the baby knows what's going on. And she can keep an eye on it that way. This view seems to assume that the act of sex is somehow bad.

^He's just butthurt from jealousy.

lol

I didn't say it had to make sense. What the ex was trying to do was make her look bad. Now, keep in mind in HER case they were just getting started on the divorce process, which means, like it or not, you have to live like a nun or a hermit for the duration. I'm not assuming CodeGrey is going through this or that this accurately reflects her experience. It's more like a worst-case scenario that most people with any sense can avoid.

I'm with you on this one, though. Would it make a difference if they were a married couple?

Also, it's not the assumption that sex is somehow bad. It's whether having sex in front of children is appropriate. In practical terms, no, the baby doesn't know what's going on. But in general that kind of thing is taboo.

I also live in the American South. I do hold the belief that it is improper to have sex outside the bounds of marriage in part because of these very complications. Culturally, though, people will tend to look at you and think "ok, you're just nasty." Even us trailer-trash, redneck types have standards, such as they are. You can say who you have sex with, where, and when is nobody else's business. It's not illegal, this is America, and you can do whatever you want. What you can't do, though, is change how people feel about it. If they think something is wrong with you, they'll play that card. In the divorce case I described, it was all about power and manipulation. This guy feels that he owns his ex-wife. And while he might have been in the wrong by being an abusive husband, she failed to keep the moral higher ground. She had this case won. But she decided she'd rather have a boyfriend right then, she have a sex life on HER own terms, live her life on HER terms, disregard her legal status throughout the proceedings, all in the face of dealing with an incompetent lawyer and lie about the whole thing.

You do NOT have the freedom to sleep around in the middle of a divorce. You are still legally bound to your soon-to-be ex. You can sleep around all you want once you get the final decree, but if you're SMART you'll take a vow of celibacy and live like a nun in the meantime.

One of my rules for life is this: Never, EVER give up what you want for what you want RIGHT NOW. This kind of thing will often bite us when we lose our patience. Maybe it's a little unfair, but such is life. You deal with it one step at a time until you ARE free to do what you want. In the meantime, you have to play by someone else's rules. You WIN by keeping your head down, nose clean, and mouth shut. But somehow in our society getting two out of three of those ends up being too difficult.

Sad, but true. The OP's boyfriend knows this very well. Hence, he's withdrawing, knowing he lost the evolutionary battle to the ex-boyfriend, who's an alpha male. Being a beta myself, I carefully screen out women whose exes live nearby, or worse, still talk to them. After all, if I don't screen them out, it's only a matter of time before I'm carried off to the ER, while the ex-boyfriend stand there, smirking and laughing on the inside.

Update: I ended it with my BF over an unrelated issue. He said he is back on POF (the dating site we met on). I stated, "so we're over then..."

He said "no"

Then said he's not on there. I said it's obvious you want something else and you should have just broken up with me.....and ended it.

Nothing inappropriate was done around my daughter. My ex didn't approve of his approach to her, but he tried...just like he tried with me. I'm very sad but it had to end, and its for the best.

Wow. What a poor and terrible way to have to break up with someone. Definitely not any fault of your own here. But three weeks ago he walks out after an issue involving your ex. If he is going on a dating site, he at least should have said something to you about it.

He did say something to me about it. Then contradicted himself and said he had no profile (which I searched and couldn't find). I got really upset with him, and could have handled it better, but he obviously brought it up for a reason. Maybe after I reacted the way I did, he wouldn't have posted it, but it's too late now

My suggestion would be to try and move on. It's harsh, but delete his number/facebook/twitter/whatever, go get yourself a beauty treatment or massage and concentrate on yourself and your child for a while. Maybe even spend a mother/child day out at the park or something.

um but two married people will have sex in the same house/room as their kids. make up on the couch when their kid is watching cartoons?

so if its ok for both the parents to do it then why is it wrong for the stepdad/stepmom and parent to do it?

and how on earth is it child endangerment. o.O

sorry that happen . I'm guessing its the lying that upset you?

I tend to just stop using dating sites but leave the profiles up.

Beats me! Keep in mind we're not dealing with rational human beings here. For whatever reason, we leave marrieds alone, mind our own business, and poke our noses in the business of others when they aren't. Although I do think married couples have a better track record for keeping kids safe. People who are divorced and hate each other use kids as weapons or leverage and will use the other person sleeping around to make some kind of point. It's all about power and manipulation. If a woman is prone to hooking up with violent/abusive men, all he really has to do is just make her look bad, to paint the worst possible picture of what may/may not go on behind closed doors in the privacy of her bedroom. In the case I mentioned, the girl was particularly stupid or ignorant of how legal proceedings in a courtroom work and sang like a bird when something was brought up.

If something like that happened to you or me, I like to think we have the presence of mind to ONLY answer the questions, keep answers down to the fewest possible words and phrases, and volunteer NOTHING. From what I've seen, people get in more trouble through self-incrimination than anything else.

At any rate, it doesn't have to be logical. It's all courtroom drama. If a man really wants sole custody of his kids and take his wife to the cleaners, it's not that hard to do especially if she's the type who cheated on him in the marriage and sleeps around. All you need is a P.I. to follow her around and snap some photos. If you are going through a divorce, whether you are a man or a woman, it's quite a simple formula for coming out on top: Keep your head down, your nose clean, and your mouth shut. Head down=ignore everyone else/don't invite anyone into your life. Nose clean=stay out of trouble. Mouth shut=don't say a word to anyone except your lawyer until your lawyer tells you it's ok to answer questions. You won't necessarily get everything you want, but following those rules will keep things from being as bad as they could be.

Keeping head down doesn't have to mean perfect isolation, btw?but you do want to keep close to only same-sex friends, preferably at least two friends at any given moment. That will keep any out-of-context chatter from the other side from hurting your case.

But as for any of it actually making sense? Don't try to reason it out. These are not sane people that get involved in this crap.

GOOD LAWD!! !...a late night SNACK??? Aspinator said that it was just 2 cents worth - more like $2 million worth of really good advice.

I disagree. He fled for good. A lot of nice, single guys don't want a situation like this one. It's probably for the better for all parties involved.

I was talking about the kids' father.

Whose house is it? If it is yours change the locks.

You need to make clear to your ex, that you are going to put your children at risk, and will be careful. He is welcome to come round, etc, but he has to knock, and he definitely overstepped the mark.

You need to talk to you children, depending on age what is appropriate, figure out how you are going under the circumstances.

I suspect your ex might be using the circumstances as an excuse, when it not really about that. Having said that you should consider how you should approach this with regards to the children, and how you would graduate dating.

The only circumstances where the might have a point, is if you are still cohabiting, but not the behaviour.

I suspect the other guy, may have been scared off, possibly more to with the family aspect. What is true is this person is within his rights to press assault charges, becuase any physical contact under these circumstances is technically assault. The person is not an intruder as he is a guest of yours, and you didn't ask him to leave.