so when is it a relationship?

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Thinking further on the attachment issue, I think that my natural way of preferring to study girls for some time before getting into verbal or physical contact with them avoids the attachment issue in a nice way. Such contact is likely to create only a lesser attachment that is easier to get out of, and it guarantees that there is interest so that if you pursue it further the risk of rejection is considerably lower.

Additionally, typical behaviors in dating like hugging are relationship-markers for me, so if these happens in an early context with high risk of rejection, this will lead to a high risk of being left with a strong attachment that is not reciprocated.

Just to illustrate the issue, I've developed an attachment to a girl in just 30 minutes, without any verbal or physical contact, and that lasted for more than a year with minimal contact. That's much less than a typical date, which shows the magnitude of this problem. I definitely think that a girl's "right" to tease and play with guys as she wishes is of less importance than the problems this causes neurodiverse guys (and in fact girls as well because this is present in them as well).

Ironically, I think the best way of getting out of an attachment is to get out of the initial bonding phase, which can be done with repeated hugging (real or imaginary) followed by a phase with diminishing contact. Getting out of it directly like NTs do is impossible. There is always an acclimatization phase of a month or two.

There actually is a study on this that shows the consequences of having this type of attachment profile as a minority trait:
Romantic attachment, empathy, and the broader autism phenotype among college students.
Lamport, Dustin; Turner, Lisa A.
The Journal of Genetic Psychology: Research and Theory on Human Development. Vol.175(3), May 2014, pp. 202-213.

Their conclusion is that both "attachment anxiety" (which is their word for strong attachments) and "attachment avoidance" are related to BAP. The relation to "attachment anxiety" is direct (it's an innate preference) while the relation to "attachment avoidance" goes via "empathy" (which is their word for communication issues). IOW, "attachment avoidance" is the "friendship" route which results in poorer attachment quality.

Ummm, eight dates = relationship (?!??)

I. Don't. Think. So.

Seriously -- 8 dates isn't a relationship! Not unless you've had a conversation and agreed to date exclusively!

8 dates is just that -- 8 dates. A total of maybe 20 hrs spent in the company of another person! That's getting to know a guy -- NOT officially-my-boyfriend-dating.

Not returning a call is the "go away" message in and of itself!

1. I've had relationships with no dates
2. I've never ever agreed about exclusivity. I EXPECT that! If you break that you are a creep in my book, regardless if we have been on zero, one or 8 dates.

Seriously, I wouldn't even dream about connecting to a girl that is not prepared to be exclusive for a few months without verbal or physical contact. That's a requirement for even being considered as relationship material.



That's rude and creepy and should mean the guy spreads the word to all guys he knows that they should avoid dating you.

What does the bolded bit mean? Who is not having contact with whom?

Well it's a moot point anyway, they guy who said he was going to call didn't.

It basically means that both are prepared to be exclusive in the absence of talking, hugs and sex.

Same here. It's about chemistry and pheromones and stuff like that.
Physical contact could be as little as holding hands over a meal or a shy peck on the cheek at the end of the date.
And even that would not make it a relationship in itself but it would give me an indication as to wether I wanted to explore more intimity with said person.

I did advertise in Lonely Hearts in my early twenties. Phone calls would be to arrange a meeting in person. I find it hard to get my head around this internet dating thing but I would imagine that if I was still in the game of searching now I would not do it without video phone so I could at least see the person whom I was talking to. Because a picture(or a video connection) speaks a thousand words.

Sorry I still don't get it. Whose absence, from who? Each other? Or other people?

Is this so unusual that people cannot even imagine that it happens?

I've explained before that I prefer to observe girls first without talking to them, hugging them or having sex with them. This is a kind of flirting (but it is not the usual kind). It is during this time that I expect them to be exclusive (and when I'm also exclusive), and it can take a few months, but sometimes much longer than that. Once this phase is done, I usually go directly to a relationship (or it ends because there is not enough interest and persistence). The dating phase has no function at all in this scenario. Instead of comparing and evaluating social information and interests I evaluate persistence and how they behave towards me, which I find a superior way of finding compatible people. It's also so that only a few girls are receptive to the flirting phase, and this doesn't seem to be correlated to attractiveness or how smart or functional they are, but it is strongly correlated to being neurodiverse. Thus, in addition to persistence, I also make sure I select-out most NTs.

Nah I just literally did not understand what you meant. Got it now! Very unique method. Very very unique.

Yup. I can't imagine being exclusive with a guy who expects to spend months mutely staring at me.

But, hey, it's terrific it works for you!

Not sure what hugging has to do with dating as it's something people do with friends and acquaintances they only know a little bit.

As far as attachment goes, are you getting attached after 8 dates and all that happens is hugging? maybe the fact that you haven't hooked up after 8 dates makes the girl think you're the one who isn't interested in her. Generally guys are the ones who make the moves and most girls expect that to happen well before 8 dates.

Fine. That means I'd never be dumped by you after 8 dates. That's just terrific.

Many neurodiverse people don't (or prefer not too). This is because they prefer to only hug a romantic partner. To enjoy hugging everybody is a neurotypical trait, and sometimes a learned trait by people that want to pass as normal. Personally, I can hug people and pretend it's normal, but I prefer not to. I would absolutely not hug somebody that I had a romantic interest in unless I was in a relationship with her.



I don't do dating as it doesn't work for me.

I'm not a huggy-huggy type myself.

But I understand the need for hugs, and I reluctantly comply should I be asked for one.