Love but limited commitment ....Help please
We have spoken about money an I am willing to sign to say I don't want anything from him. I don't stress if he doesn't text me back for days. He goes out with his friends without me I don't tell him he can't I just ask that he gives me for warning so I can organise something myself.
So I am wondering if its more about him needing space without having people around so he can recharge ? I have asked that question but its one I get a blank response with I don't know response
jajaboo wrote:
Hello Everyone
I have been dating a guy for two years and after a few months of dating we chatted about him probably having Aspergers he agreed. He has an online borderline score but no official diagnosis. We don't live together but I spend most of my time at his ( I have my own place). We are still in Love with each other but I am now wanting more commitment. He has a stressful job that he says is stopping us from moving in together at the moment. He says he is unsure of together for ever which I get its the next big step and needs thought.
However I am unsure if it is just the Aspergeric way of dealing with things that is holding him back. My gut says it is but just wanting to make sure its not a mask. Generally when we have issues that need change we both reflect and things do change. We respect each others space, money etc and it works for us.
Example of some of our issues (Seem to be AS stereotypes)
- He wouldn't say he loved me. He would say I am with you why do you need me to tell you.
- He has concerns over what will we talk about when we get older, I have said we will find interests together.
- Sometimes he feels lonely and bored when he isn't working he doesn't have many friends, I have said when work eases off he will be able to go out and meet more people (Sometimes awkward moments but outgoing).
-When I try to talk about commitment he fogs over and says he just doesn't know and then forgets it was an important issue that needs a resolution. Which makes me think its the AS and not just him using me?
I have given him a deadline to think about more commitment but am not sure if this is the way to go? Maybe understanding himself with a counselor would be more useful than time to think himself? What else can I do to understand ?
Please could people suggest practical advise on how to try to get both our needs filled in regard to more commitment. I know this is my issue wanting to conform to social norms and I suppose being afraid it will end if he doesn't give me more commitment. I know nothing lasts forever but after two years I just want some more security its making me feel vulnerable.
Thanks
I have been dating a guy for two years and after a few months of dating we chatted about him probably having Aspergers he agreed. He has an online borderline score but no official diagnosis. We don't live together but I spend most of my time at his ( I have my own place). We are still in Love with each other but I am now wanting more commitment. He has a stressful job that he says is stopping us from moving in together at the moment. He says he is unsure of together for ever which I get its the next big step and needs thought.
However I am unsure if it is just the Aspergeric way of dealing with things that is holding him back. My gut says it is but just wanting to make sure its not a mask. Generally when we have issues that need change we both reflect and things do change. We respect each others space, money etc and it works for us.
Example of some of our issues (Seem to be AS stereotypes)
- He wouldn't say he loved me. He would say I am with you why do you need me to tell you.
- He has concerns over what will we talk about when we get older, I have said we will find interests together.
- Sometimes he feels lonely and bored when he isn't working he doesn't have many friends, I have said when work eases off he will be able to go out and meet more people (Sometimes awkward moments but outgoing).
-When I try to talk about commitment he fogs over and says he just doesn't know and then forgets it was an important issue that needs a resolution. Which makes me think its the AS and not just him using me?
I have given him a deadline to think about more commitment but am not sure if this is the way to go? Maybe understanding himself with a counselor would be more useful than time to think himself? What else can I do to understand ?
Please could people suggest practical advise on how to try to get both our needs filled in regard to more commitment. I know this is my issue wanting to conform to social norms and I suppose being afraid it will end if he doesn't give me more commitment. I know nothing lasts forever but after two years I just want some more security its making me feel vulnerable.
Thanks
I think you are overthinking this -- and that whether or not the guy your "seeing" is on the spectrum is irrelevant.
He doesn't want to commit to date you exclusively. He's told you that.
You want a commitment -- thus, you do NOT want what he's offering.
It's time to move on!
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