Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

I am debating...

Page 2 of 2 [ 30 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Previous topic | Next topic

Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 46,729
Location: Houston, Texas

27 Mar 2007, 7:07 pm

ZanneMarie wrote:
Tim,

I don't think Aspie/Aspie is a cure all. In fact, I think those relationships can present their own problems. It's best to find someone who has similar interests and values. You don't want to be constantly struggling to find common things to share or arguing over the way things are in the world or how money, etc. should be handled. You also need a good mix of security so that each person can do their own thing without the other feeling threatened. You do need to be well matched sexually as well (as in being able to meet each other's needs) or that will cause major issues over time. Really, you just need to find a good match in many areas of your life. The worst relationships are those where people keep trying to adjust themselves to the other person so they fit. I don't subscribe to the notion that you can fall in love with anyone or even most people, but if you start going to places where you meet people with the same interests, you will find a good match and go from there.

And being complimentary is not all bad as long as both do it. If she's your social eyes and ears, you can be the one who logically grounds her. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you are both bringing things to the relationship and you don't become overly dependent.


In other words, the person I am destined for would be compatible with me when it comes to touch, flexibility, etc.?

Tim


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!


geek
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Mar 2007
Age: 69
Gender: Male
Posts: 723
Location: Elsewhere

27 Mar 2007, 7:54 pm

Gamester wrote:
I know that I've been esposing the views of non aspies as potential mates.

and I think my few rants may have done the job.


Seeing as I'm in a totally great aspie-aspie marriage, I think the idea of an aspie-aspie relationship is fine. But I agree that aspieness in common is no guarantee of anything. I have to concur with ZanneMarie, you need to be compatible in a number of ways, which may or may not mean that you have similar traits. An easy-going person, for example, might be able to get along with almost anyone, but a high-strung person who isn't very flexible in terms of how they think things should be, may HAVE to be with someone who is different (unless they both really like endless fighting). This may or may not apply to you.

Aspies MAY have a fair amount in common from the start, but it's definitely no guarantee. We are an extremely diverse group, and I regularly notice aspies having totally opposite needs. For example, I know an aspie sex worker, but I also know of aspies who hate being touched, or who identify as asexual.

Limiting yourself to aspies would mean eliminating 99% of the population as candidates. It's damned hard to find the right person as it is, why make it even harder?

I think you should be open to both possibilities.



ZanneMarie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Jan 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,324

27 Mar 2007, 7:56 pm

Well you want that. You have to be able to enjoy being with them a majority of the time or else you are just pretending and that will fail. No one will match you exactly, but you are going to find some who are much better matches than others. That's what you want. It's good when your personalities compliment each other in many ways - some similarities, some differences and some complimentary skills.

My husband is NT, but he's a good mix with me. He's very quiet and intellectual. He likes to control his environment, so I don't have to deal with it. He is great at understanding my brain and not getting upset about it. (Couldn't buy that if I was a millionaire) And he's good at interpreting people for me. We have many common interests, some different interests, complementary skills and a desire for a similar life. And I don't mind his touch. LOL Honestly Tim, there's just something about him that goes well with me and he is not someone most women could live with. That doesn't matter though because he works for me. That's all that counts.

I think one of the biggest problems is that we think we need to like people who have the traits we are told we should look for when in fact those may not be the traits that would mix well with us anyway.



ZanneMarie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Jan 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,324

27 Mar 2007, 8:05 pm

JsMom wrote:
Of course, all this is sort of putting the cart before the horse.....our dear friend Tim here is just trying to decide who to "date." I'm guessing you must be fairly young, Tim. So, in that case, my best advice to you is to date lots of different people and have fun. :D


Oh God, well in that case I hope he's better at it than I was! My friends though that was the thing to do and it was a disaster! LOL I would figure out in five minutes if there was any chance it could work and if not, I got up and left. I also stacked my dates to get them out of the way (annoying socializing that they were) and that did not go over well! Dinner with Bob from 6-8. Back from dinner with Bob and out for movie with Joe at 8:30. LOL So of course Bob and Joe would meet. I didn't understand why that caused a problem.

One of those ex-boyfriends had to take the whole matter in hand and find my husband for me. You don't have a friend or ex-girlfriend who could help do you Tim? Then again, you might not be as bad at it as I was. LOL I think I was the worst dater on the planet! I can only tell you how to find a mate. NEVER take dating advice from me.

Do you actually enjoy dating? I'll never understand that concept.



Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 46,729
Location: Houston, Texas

27 Mar 2007, 8:06 pm

JsMom wrote:
Of course, all this is sort of putting the cart before the horse.....our dear friend Tim here is just trying to decide who to "date." I'm guessing you must be fairly young, Tim. So, in that case, my best advice to you is to date lots of different people and have fun. :D


I'm 27.

Tim


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!


JsMom
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 15 Nov 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 228

27 Mar 2007, 9:48 pm

ZanneMarie wrote:
JsMom wrote:
Of course, all this is sort of putting the cart before the horse.....our dear friend Tim here is just trying to decide who to "date." I'm guessing you must be fairly young, Tim. So, in that case, my best advice to you is to date lots of different people and have fun. :D


Oh God, well in that case I hope he's better at it than I was! My friends though that was the thing to do and it was a disaster! LOL I would figure out in five minutes if there was any chance it could work and if not, I got up and left. I also stacked my dates to get them out of the way (annoying socializing that they were) and that did not go over well! Dinner with Bob from 6-8. Back from dinner with Bob and out for movie with Joe at 8:30. LOL So of course Bob and Joe would meet. I didn't understand why that caused a problem.

One of those ex-boyfriends had to take the whole matter in hand and find my husband for me. You don't have a friend or ex-girlfriend who could help do you Tim? Then again, you might not be as bad at it as I was. LOL I think I was the worst dater on the planet! I can only tell you how to find a mate. NEVER take dating advice from me.

Do you actually enjoy dating? I'll never understand that concept.


There's nothing wrong with "dating" a couple of people at the same time as long as it isn't intimate. It can be difficult for people who become too emotionally attached easily, so, yeah, they shouldn't try it...or maybe they should...I don't know. Oh, and yeah..stacking dates on the same day is never a good idea! 8O

But I agree with the person who posted that sometimes we find the right person when we aren't even looking...I think it was Alex. That's how I found my husband. I had been casually dating off and on...got fed up and declared a six month sabbatical from dating. Then out of the blue I met my husband at church. I could tell he was sort of interested in me, but I really wasn't paying attention because I was just focusing on being happy with me. He invited me to play volleyball with a group of his friend...they had a league, and so I started playing with the team regularly. After several months, my husband finally got the courage to ask me out...the rest is history.


_________________
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson


JsMom
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 15 Nov 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 228

27 Mar 2007, 9:51 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
JsMom wrote:
Of course, all this is sort of putting the cart before the horse.....our dear friend Tim here is just trying to decide who to "date." I'm guessing you must be fairly young, Tim. So, in that case, my best advice to you is to date lots of different people and have fun. :D


I'm 27.

Tim


You are still just a pup! Take your time, try to relax and just be yourself.


_________________
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson


ZanneMarie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Jan 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,324

27 Mar 2007, 10:11 pm

JsMom wrote:
ZanneMarie wrote:
JsMom wrote:
Of course, all this is sort of putting the cart before the horse.....our dear friend Tim here is just trying to decide who to "date." I'm guessing you must be fairly young, Tim. So, in that case, my best advice to you is to date lots of different people and have fun. :D


Oh God, well in that case I hope he's better at it than I was! My friends though that was the thing to do and it was a disaster! LOL I would figure out in five minutes if there was any chance it could work and if not, I got up and left. I also stacked my dates to get them out of the way (annoying socializing that they were) and that did not go over well! Dinner with Bob from 6-8. Back from dinner with Bob and out for movie with Joe at 8:30. LOL So of course Bob and Joe would meet. I didn't understand why that caused a problem.

One of those ex-boyfriends had to take the whole matter in hand and find my husband for me. You don't have a friend or ex-girlfriend who could help do you Tim? Then again, you might not be as bad at it as I was. LOL I think I was the worst dater on the planet! I can only tell you how to find a mate. NEVER take dating advice from me.

Do you actually enjoy dating? I'll never understand that concept.




There's nothing wrong with "dating" a couple of people at the same time as long as it isn't intimate. It can be difficult for people who become too emotionally attached easily, so, yeah, they shouldn't try it...or maybe they should...I don't know. Oh, and yeah..stacking dates on the same day is never a good idea! 8O

But I agree with the person who posted that sometimes we find the right person when we aren't even looking...I think it was Alex. That's how I found my husband. I had been casually dating off and on...got fed up and declared a six month sabbatical from dating. Then out of the blue I met my husband at church. I could tell he was sort of interested in me, but I really wasn't paying attention because I was just focusing on being happy with me. He invited me to play volleyball with a group of his friend...they had a league, and so I started playing with the team regularly. After several months, my husband finally got the courage to ask me out...the rest is history.



Js you are like the social goddess! I didn't stack them because I liked them, I wanted it over with so they would all leave me alone to go back to my writing. See, you dated for fun. That's beyond me. I never thought it was fun, just completely annoying.

It all depends on where Tim falls in the spectrum I guess. How much socializing he can stand. How much he likes the date thing. Speak up, Tim!



Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 46,729
Location: Houston, Texas

28 Mar 2007, 2:12 am

ZanneMarie wrote:
JsMom wrote:
ZanneMarie wrote:
JsMom wrote:
Of course, all this is sort of putting the cart before the horse.....our dear friend Tim here is just trying to decide who to "date." I'm guessing you must be fairly young, Tim. So, in that case, my best advice to you is to date lots of different people and have fun. :D


Oh God, well in that case I hope he's better at it than I was! My friends though that was the thing to do and it was a disaster! LOL I would figure out in five minutes if there was any chance it could work and if not, I got up and left. I also stacked my dates to get them out of the way (annoying socializing that they were) and that did not go over well! Dinner with Bob from 6-8. Back from dinner with Bob and out for movie with Joe at 8:30. LOL So of course Bob and Joe would meet. I didn't understand why that caused a problem.

One of those ex-boyfriends had to take the whole matter in hand and find my husband for me. You don't have a friend or ex-girlfriend who could help do you Tim? Then again, you might not be as bad at it as I was. LOL I think I was the worst dater on the planet! I can only tell you how to find a mate. NEVER take dating advice from me.

Do you actually enjoy dating? I'll never understand that concept.




There's nothing wrong with "dating" a couple of people at the same time as long as it isn't intimate. It can be difficult for people who become too emotionally attached easily, so, yeah, they shouldn't try it...or maybe they should...I don't know. Oh, and yeah..stacking dates on the same day is never a good idea! 8O

But I agree with the person who posted that sometimes we find the right person when we aren't even looking...I think it was Alex. That's how I found my husband. I had been casually dating off and on...got fed up and declared a six month sabbatical from dating. Then out of the blue I met my husband at church. I could tell he was sort of interested in me, but I really wasn't paying attention because I was just focusing on being happy with me. He invited me to play volleyball with a group of his friend...they had a league, and so I started playing with the team regularly. After several months, my husband finally got the courage to ask me out...the rest is history.



Js you are like the social goddess! I didn't stack them because I liked them, I wanted it over with so they would all leave me alone to go back to my writing. See, you dated for fun. That's beyond me. I never thought it was fun, just completely annoying.

It all depends on where Tim falls in the spectrum I guess. How much socializing he can stand. How much he likes the date thing. Speak up, Tim!


I am borderline AS/NT. As for dating an Aspie or an NT, I am leaving both options open. I like socializing better than I used to, and being on a date is a fun experience. I am just wanting someone who I would be well-suited for.

Tim


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!


JsMom
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 15 Nov 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 228

28 Mar 2007, 6:54 am

ZanneMarie wrote:
Js you are like the social goddess! I didn't stack them because I liked them, I wanted it over with so they would all leave me alone to go back to my writing. See, you dated for fun. That's beyond me. I never thought it was fun, just completely annoying.

It all depends on where Tim falls in the spectrum I guess. How much socializing he can stand. How much he likes the date thing. Speak up, Tim!


I wouldn't say I was a social goddess, but I also knew better than to limit my options. Plus, I always did better around men than women. I have never understood why women do the things they do. That might be weird since I'm one of them, but seriously, all the cattiness and back stabbing...I really have no time or patience for it.

Also, dating can wear a person out! Hence, the sabbatical from dating. I took several of them during my dating years.

One nugget of advice I learned was to stay away from high maintenance people. They are shallow and insecure and don't really have a mind of their own.

Tim, stay away from high maintnence women!! ! :lol:


_________________
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson


MrMark
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jul 2006
Age: 68
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,918
Location: Tallahassee, FL

28 Mar 2007, 7:24 am

Tim_Tex wrote:
Gamester wrote:
seems Mr. Mark beat me to the question.

Do you indeed have anyone currently in mind.

I know that I've been esposing the views of non aspies as potential mates.

and I think my few rants may have done the job.

so hows it going Tim?


I don't have anyone in mind, just needing to know what to expect if I am with someone who has the issues I mentioned. I just need to know whether I should adjust my life to fit someone's boundaries, or if I should be with someone as flexible as me.

Tim


No one knows what to expect when they are with someone who has issues, (and who doesn't have issues?) Being with someone always involves some adjustment. I feel like you're being far too goal oriented about this, but that's very understandable. Nevertheless, I think you should try to focus on the process more. When do you head off to college?


_________________
"The cordial quality of pear or plum
Rises as gladly in the single tree
As in the whole orchards resonant with bees."
- Emerson


Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 46,729
Location: Houston, Texas

28 Mar 2007, 5:14 pm

MrMark wrote:
Tim_Tex wrote:
Gamester wrote:
seems Mr. Mark beat me to the question.

Do you indeed have anyone currently in mind.

I know that I've been esposing the views of non aspies as potential mates.

and I think my few rants may have done the job.

so hows it going Tim?


I don't have anyone in mind, just needing to know what to expect if I am with someone who has the issues I mentioned. I just need to know whether I should adjust my life to fit someone's boundaries, or if I should be with someone as flexible as me.

Tim


No one knows what to expect when they are with someone who has issues, (and who doesn't have issues?) Being with someone always involves some adjustment. I feel like you're being far too goal oriented about this, but that's very understandable. Nevertheless, I think you should try to focus on the process more. When do you head off to college?


I start school in late August.

Tim


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!


Sedaka
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jul 2006
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,597
Location: In the recesses of my mind

28 Mar 2007, 7:44 pm

that's sweet tim! where are you getting off to school? think i missed that somewhere..

anyway...

love tends to find you... i think it's fairly well documented that you cant just go looking for it... well you can, but you're still not gonna know where it is til you trip over it lol


_________________
Neuroscience PhD student

got free science papers?

www.pubmed.gov
www.sciencedirect.com
http://highwire.stanford.edu/lists/freeart.dtl


Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 46,729
Location: Houston, Texas

28 Mar 2007, 8:20 pm

Sedaka wrote:
that's sweet tim! where are you getting off to school? think i missed that somewhere..

anyway...

love tends to find you... i think it's fairly well documented that you cant just go looking for it... well you can, but you're still not gonna know where it is til you trip over it lol


I am going to Midwestern State University. It's located in Wichita Falls, Texas (110 miles west of Dallas-Fort Worth, and 150 miles southwest of Oklahoma City). UT El Paso was a very close second choice.

Tim


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!