** Are These Decent First Messages For Online Dating ??? **

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I just read the rest of your messages (slow day at work!) and another thing that crossed my attention is why are you even bothering to respond to half these women? For example, the one who said she was a fan of the block button is a HUGE red flag and that was before I read her profile (hint: she is messed up). My experience showed me that usually means a woman has serious issues you do not want to get involved with. Most of these women seem like a complete waste of time and energy and that you even responded says more about you than them.

For the very last conversation you posted, you literally come across as a stalker. I am shocked she even responded by saying she was sick twice. Another lesson you need to learn: sick is code for NOT INTERESTED! When a woman tells you that more than once, instantly delete her and move on. You come across as a doormat who is desperate to please anyone and nobody, male or female finds that attractive. Your messages are simply trying too hard and trying to be all things to all people. It's not hard to see that even though I know literally nothing about you except you are probably a guy in his mid to late 20s.

^^ I've put this common "don't mention her appearance" advice into test by doing the exact opposite: by messaging a not few number of random women including a well-observed compliment on their appearance and the reply rate was much higher than to normal messages, usually they reply back with a compliment on my looks too (ie. you are handsome too/ I like your......<and then ask a question>) and sometimes on profile content, and things progressed sexually way faster with this tactic.

There are so many false myths regarding online dating and this is one of them.

With regards to the first paragraph please elaborate on 'do this' and why did she creep you out?
In regards to the second paragraph, of course I read her profile, all my responses are based on that and initially the fault I was seeing reported on this and other forums was length and being a little to obsequious. She wouldn't necessarily have been shaking her head and if so then why bother responding at all? When she said 'suprise me' I'm sure thats not literally possible but I hope I sent as good a message as I could.
tHE PROBLEM WIth being a leader is that it's too easy to offend someone and have them leave you or you could be considered selfish, or at least that whats I've always assumed.

I can agree with you all on not bringing up the weight issue, fair enough, but I don't get why I 'seem to' to so useless at it compared to others, maybe you and most others are just less of an aspie than me then. But do advise on how 'you' think one should correctly respond to some of their profiles then, that'd be better than simply being harsh. Who did you end up with then that was so crazy?




And this is the problem I have, it almost seems as like anything can work, yet I'm inclined to never the less listen to alternative advice because many of the people on this post have made equally valid points. I'm not too worried about things progressing sexually though, if you've got her attention, can keep it and end up going out often then this can come later maybe.



Her talking about the 'block' button is basically a way of saying that she's not gonna let herself be chatted up by a perv after one thing, doesn't mean she's messed up. And she probably genuinely was sick and actually responded and chatted with me for quite a while after. Any additional problems may simply be down to the fact that online dating works only for a select few guys (as I think most of the hype is bullsh*t and most guys don't get responses regardless to what they do or do not do). I know I can come across as a doormat, but it seems that on the rare occasions I purposely choose not to that I just come across as harsh and not a nice person and then I genuinely do have to apologize. I need actual examples of what to say rather than helpful criticism with no follow up.

The ALL CAPS IS A OBVIOUS STARTER but what she writes is classic 'messed up' dialogue. I suppose you just have to experience it for yourself to see what I mean. The plus side of getting burned repeatedly is that you can easily spot a fire.


Life is all about risks. Yes, I have f**ked up more than once and embarrassed myself but that's how you learn. As for why she responded a lot, girls are conditioned to not hurt anyone's feelings no matter what. Not saying I like it, but you might as well get used to it as this is VERY common on dating sites.

What she means by "surprise me" is that every women I dated except one loved when she could relax and trust you have a fun night planned with her interests in mind. This expands further into the bedroom but I do not want to get ahead of myself! Women still usually (but not always) like to be protected and cared for.


I have documented how I ended up with a BPD woman and I ignored all the obvious red flags because she actually contacted me on OKCupid and chased me. She was abusive, crazy, etc but it was MY FAULT because I had such low self-esteem and was in a similar boat that you are in. That's why I am so passionate about not seeing you make the same mistakes as you are very vulnerable right now. I'm not sure what your other question is but let me reiterate that you are (unintentionally) acting almost like a used car salesman and causing women to put their guard up. Again, I am sure you are a great guy but someone who says they are is usually trying to hide the fact they are not.


This strategy, like "negging" might help you land more messages from girls with low self-esteem (but the "bad boys" will ultimately scoop them up), however if you want a mature woman they will run for the hills with the types of messages you send.


Sorry, I hate to sound condescending but you are wrong. I can guarantee you she IS messed up and you do not want to date her, period. I can spot it a mile away and POF is loaded with such women. Normal, healthy women will just quietly ignore such messages and not make a dramatic display about it.

I'm glad to hear you actually want to hear some constructive feedback. I will be happy to provide some examples from these profiles but remember I am no expert and have different interests. I will try to get back later tonight and demonstrate what I would write (or not) to these various women. Glad to hear you are listening and not taking it personally as that is not my intention.

Yes thankyou, help would be appreciated, and as you've responded more critically than anyone else and have potentially spotted things others did not and coupled with the fact that you are an aspie and have previous stories and experiences (oh and i can relate on the crazy girlfriend part, my first and only gf was a perfect example, maybe we can trade stories later). The bottom line as I've said to a few other people before is this- without asking many questions (some of which seem obvious to all but myself) I am clearly unable to learn off of my own initiative as I'd normally be able to.

I second Giant's observations : Caps, waving her obsession of the block button, too much complain in her profile how low quality and stupid guys are on this dating site - are *always* of the crazy type, and by crazy here, I do not mean the nice and funny type of crazy.

There are also the travel junkies who post 30+ photos, each of a different country, "straightening" the Pisa tower, "holding" the pyramid,...etc always turn out to be too extrovert and sociable, probably too extrovert/sociable even for the mildest case of AS, there's also a higher probability of meeting gold diggers among those too, at least in my experience.

Honestly? When I was younger I found girls to be too mysterious and this was a problem.

Now? I see women too predictable, like boxed into like 5-6 categories and no more, each category has a copycat blueprint, I swear that when I determine her type in first go, I can predict with scaring accuracy what she likes, what she dislikes, how she behaves, her lifestyle, how her friends would be like, the places she goes to, her orientations, how she would react to this and that, whether she's crazy or not and what kind of crazy...etc
And therefore I can also predict what she would and wouldn't like in me.

And that's also a problem.

Putting aside the fact that if you're an american then you and your women are almost on a different planet in terms of behaviour and rituals and trends etc to here in the UK, I can certainly related to you on the fear of the women who (too many of them) are too extrovert and want all of this traveling and have such big career plans and plans to live here or see this and visit that etc. Whats funny is that for some this is probably bullsh*t purely to ensure they keep up with their competition and attract attention from the presumed like-minded model guys out there. And yes you're also right in terms of these similar trait, personalities and interests etc.

Other posters here have good advice.

There is no "perfect message" in any social setting when it comes to length or content. Trying to find it will only make you go insane. But yes, any woman with a decent head on her shoulders will be suspicious of certain types of messages and you're more likely to meet people who will leave you embittered than anything else.

The type of people who want a relationship where someone comes onto another as if they're already an item and talks like a character from a movie are typically very troubled--the men and the women. They're often looking for someone to distract them from or save them from themselves. They skip the normal "What is this person really like? How do we feel about each other?" phase for a reason.

And that might sound nice from a distance, but these people are exhausting and often not very nice to you in the end.

I have a few minutes so let's take a look:
#1) Ugh. I don't know where to begin. For starters, you need to cut out the quantifiers (like this). I know, I do it all the time (like this) but it kills your vibe. You almost sound like you are apologizing for being yourself. Instead of saying 'sexy (in a respectful way)' either cut that out or moderate it. For example, "you look good". Sexy is a creepy word to use. The last sentence just screams "creep" although I know you did not mean it that way. I can't suggest any specifics because I don't know what the profile said.
#2) You are literally shooting yourself down in every sentence except the last one.
#3) She sounds like an immature College student but otherwise decent message.
#4) Ugh. STOP F**ING GROVELLING!! Her answer was an obvious "Not interested" and you further blew any chance you had with that 'were just just polite?' line. I would suggest saying "Caviar dreams? I'm intrigued. Do go on...". Yes, that's it. One line.
#5) She is messed up but I digress. Why the $%^$@$% did you ask permission to talk to her and then add that passive aggressive statement? Seriously, why are you begging like a puppy for food? You instantly kill you chances but it's for the best there. You really thought she was amazing? You must be lying!
#6) Stop asking for a response this isn't a job offer. One of your better messages but a)don't refer to a woman as 'plus sized' and b)don't refer to Aspergers as a 'mental condition'. She doesn't want to date a kid!
#6A)Not your worst, but the worst girl by far. Why are you wasting your time with an obviously immature girl?
#7) Warning. Jaded woman alert! First half of your message is decent though.
#8) Not going to repeat my advice here. Again, notice the bad attitude this one has.
#8A)Ugh. Is EVERYONE ideal for you? The word "Queen" should send you running and she is obviously spoiled rotten!
#9)She is obviously not trying and is probably only there on the urging of her "besties". How do you know she is "obviously down to earth?" YOU HAVEN'T EVEN MET HER! Also, don't refer to someone you haven't met so intimately (i.e. her first name in this example).
#10)Getting late so I would just suggest taking one interest and asking about that.

You might notice that I did not give much advice because in all honestly most of these women are not worth messaging, period. All I can suggest is to limit your messages to three or four sentences max, don't overdo it and STOP GROVELLING! To quote two separate profiles: "Be a MAN"

For#4 I mostly agree with you (even though she did briefly respond yesterday before going offline). For #5, if you saw her pics then you'd see why that wasn't a lie. And basically we did have a conversation a day after she said she was sick (whilst she was actually genuinely unwell, hence the longer conversation we had).
#6A, well I'm a 16Yr old in a 26Yr olds body in many (though not all) ways. Besides she was good looking enough and we shared common interests.#8, wouldn't say bad attitude, bad previous relationship most likely. #8a, well she could be spoilt-rotten, but the rest of the profile seemed nice enough. Yes initially almost everyone is for me, although there are times I do skip womens profiles (for one reason or another) but not with that one I guess.#9, there's no necessarily an ulterior motive behind it, but I agree with the part you mentioned about mentioning her first name .

But thanks for what you've advised thus far (even for the ones I didn't agree on). Don't wander off too far if possible though, I may need your help another time if thats ok, thanks

It all depends on how attractive you are perceived in photo - (as long you don't have an extremely stupid profile or stupid message).

If you are seen attractive (and usually conventionally attractive), including a compliment on her looks would be wanted.

If you are not seen attractive, you would would be called out for it.

And everything else is relative to this factor too. ie. eagerness in message, message length (if you are seen ugly =desperate , if you are seen attractive = investing time to look for quality).....etc


Women in general, react differently according to how good-looking(including how successful and confident looking)/ugly the guy is perceived with a laughable degree of variation.

To an extent I agree with some of this. And as I had votes/opinions on a batch of my photos and had the best chosen by majority votes, I'm confident in my pics making me out as an average looking guy with decent profile pics.