When is it over?

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Attractiveness goes beyond just physical appearance. Plus, would you want to be married to someone who DIDN"T find you attractive? What would be the point?

I guess this says a lot. Out of curiosity, how old is this other woman?
I think it's normal that it's not like the first years anymore. I also can't help but find it silly that you feel that your marriage is done because she doesn't tell you often that you're hot.

It sounds to me like you are thinking with your ding-dong.

You want to ditch your wife to pork someone just because you don't get hit on. You will probably find out that your wife was better in the long run and view the rest of your life through soggy tears of regret. Don't do it.

Maybe you had different vows but mine said it is over when somebody dies.

It is more than just that. As I have said a couple of places, she just doesn't show me much affection either.

I kind of want to have a relationship with her first.

[/quote]Maybe you had different vows but mine said it is over when somebody dies.[/quote]

Mine said something like "until death do us part." Of course they never operationally defined death. Is it physical death, is it death of the romance in the marriage, is it emotional death between you? Hey, Clinton got off (no pun intended) by challenging the definition of "is".

Unfortunately 50% of the US population didn't have the same vows, or at least take them seriously either. I would bet that most churches would allow one to forsake those vows in terms of infidelity, abuse, and other things.

I don't know what to tell ya man, except fires loose their glow with time. I hope she isn't loosing interest in you though. I think you should do everything in your power to try and save the marriage before you start seeing this other women. I wouldn't want you to throw away a good thing for a quick fling with some babe you work with. How old is this other women?

It usually does not take this much time to justify doing the right thing.

i may comment on my husband's appearance once a month. i am much more likely to comment on his agreeableness or his awesome writing skills. i don't think he cares about these comments as long as i continue to treat him well. i think you are putting way too much weight on a trivial matter. why do you feel a need to be continuously complimented?

Ok, for the 4th time or so, this really isn't about the complements or lack of them. I don't know why everyone keeps fixating on that one thing. It is the lack of affection that is bothering me. I now know that my wife really doesn't like it or want it, and if she shows me any she might not be sincere. I guess that was always a possibility in the past, but I guess I believed that she was hugging or kissing me out of love for me. I guess this was a case where ignorance was bliss.

I just can't fathom being in a marriage with little or no physical affection. That is not who I am. This is really confusing for me now. I don't know if I am supposed to ever try to kiss her or not. Maybe a counselor will help sort this out.

I don't work with this other woman, she works in a store near my house. I don't know her exact age, I do know she is over 30.

To tell you the truth, I would really recent wife telling me I'm attractive. She probably knows I do, so she never does it out of politeness. To me, a marriage is not built on people finding each others attractive. That's the basis of flings and one-night-stands, not long-term relationships. So if somebody would say that to me, I'd expect them to want something temporary.

Right. That's how I am too. That IS the neurodiverse preferences, and the OP is behaving like an NT.



I suspect his new fling does this, so he uses it is as an excuse that she is better than her.

You cannot compare affection in a marriage of 16 years with a new fling. It's normal for intimacy needs to reduce after being together for a long time, and that is not a sign of things being bad. You are just using this as an excuse to be able to justify continuing to pursue your new fling.



This is normal, and I've been married for 22 years.



That's what we suspected. I don't think this will end well.

I would only involve in somebody around 30 based on polyamory, and then I'd set the expectation that I would NOT divorce wife under any circumstances. That means I would keep my wedding ring on so she knew the rules.

What seems peculiar to me is that you are dealing with these two relationships as if they were one thing.

On the one hand, you are saying things like that sound like the marriage is not working for you in a very basic way, like this:

This sounds like you are a rainforest plant in a desert: the atmosphere is unbearable, the situation untenable. That's doom for a marriage, as in "irreconcilable differences."

On the other hand, it sounds like you are more or less OK with the marriage, a bit unsatisfied with aspects of it, and would be OK with it going on indefinitely. It's not so much that you can't take it any more where you are, but that you like the flirtation with the young lady who attends to you as a customer in a nearby business.

If the young lady where suddenly no longer there and was reported to have moved to another city with her new husband, would you still be thinking about leaving your wife?

If the answer is "no," then it is not over and rdos is right: this won't end well.

I think your wife also feels that something is missing, but is not openly saying it. Maybe she feels that it is normal and not something that can be changed. Based on everyone's opinion here, it would be better if you try to work things out with your wife.

Also, contrary to what others said, affection and intimacy is an important part of a healthy/consummate relationship. (I believe that's in the marriage vows as well)

Sorry, I'm too tired to read through all the comments, but has anyone mentioned menopause yet? That changes things. 52 seems about the age that menopause starts.

As others have said after 16 years of marriage it is completely normal that you aren't all over each other like giddy teenagers or gushing about how hot the other one is. When you met your wife would you have described her as 'ok looking for her age?' I doubt it. It seems like you are looking for any justification for the affair you clearly want to have. But if you do - at least accept that it's on you and don't blame your wife. You have already overstepped the boundary, as far as I'm concerned, by buying secret gifts/removing your wedding ring. If you genuinely do want to make a go of things then there will need to be compromises on both sides. She will have to put the effort in to show her feelings for you physically more often and you will have to be mindful that she has told you your showing affection is too much at times.