What do Aspies want in relationships?

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Same here with me & mine.

From my Gay VHF ASD perspective, I want pretty well all the things other people want in a relationship - NT or otherwise.

Sounds like the comments you quoted from the other thread were made by people who assume that just because that's how ASD manifests in themselves that it ought to be that way for everyone. They're also likely the type of ASD posters who really self identify with ASD as "who" they are and project that onto other members here as if there's some sort of rule to "how ASD" you ought to be and identify as in order to distance yourself from being NT or some other such nonsense. Clearly from the responses in this thread it's not so black and white.

As for your wife not commenting on your physical attractiveness at all, maybe she doesn't know how/feel comfortable with it? Maybe she's the type who's attracted to intelligence vs. appearance and thus appearance never even really crosses her radar? But rather than wonder, or have us guess, you really need to ask her and find out. You've got to find a tactful way to let her know it bothers you not to ever hear her compliment your appearance. If it's not a subject you can bring up appropriately yourself, consider seeing a marriage counsellor. Maybe one solo secretive visit by yourself will garner all the tips you need to then have these conversations with your wife in private. Or maybe you'll learn an acceptable way to suggest you both go for a couples counselling session where a professional can delve into these issues on your behalf.
Just some thoughts on it.

I did ask her last Thursday night. I think she didn't really realize how much she had stopped doing that. She did say that she still finds me physically attractive, and now she knows that it is still important to me, and has been better at it. She also said how she feels that there is this deep spiritual connection between us, that we were meant to be together, and that she will never be the one to end the marriage between us.

I suppose most guys would think that last sentence was fantastic.

This is adorable! It sounds like something my girlfriend would say, or I could say to her. I'm so glad that these things happen, and I'm even happier that it is happening to me too. Keep up the good thing, bro! I wish you two a long-lasting happy marriage.

I wish that I felt as good about it as you do. I suppose I should. I talked with the wife last night and she said that all of the complements she gave me over the weekend, and the flirtatious texts were too mentally taxing for her because she is not that type of person. So she is going back to what she was like before, and that if she does pay me a complement about my appearance, I will know it is genuine. I told her that I am going to have to ask her every year or so then if she still finds me attractive because I won't know it unless she tells me so.

She told me that in the health book she is using to teach a class that in the chapter on relationships it says how after a while a mature relationship will develop a spiritual connection and instead of infatuation will be more like a friendship. I don't know if that sounds good or not. I hope she isn't meaning a platonic friendship with no affection or intimacy. Those things are important to me. In a different thread I said I am not sure I would want to stay in a marriage without affection or intimacy, and people raked me over the coals for saying that, but for me it is the truth.

I am worried as to what the future might hold. She already said that she is not a very affectionate person, but is going to work on her intimacy issues in therapy. She said in the first few years of marriage when we were more affectionate she was not really being herself. She will still kiss me, hold hands and all, but I am worried for what might lie ahead. I feel like I am with a different person than I married. We get along great and all, and will be celebrating 16 years of marriage on Friday, but I am worried about the affection and intimacy eventually going to zero-and I don't mean like when we are in our 80s, but like in a couple of years.

Here is what happened on a different thread when I said that imtimacy and affection are important to me. Not very supportive, is it?

"ProfessorJohn wrote:
I just can't really imagine a married life without sex and affection, I just haven't found a good substitute for it yet. I know, there is that one substitute, but I said a good one.

This in particular makes me vomit. Man you have much bigger issues than your wife, and it's obvious that you don't love her at all. Perhaps she noticed."

Here is what my wife's health book said:

"Unlike passion, however, commitment does not necessarily diminish over time. When intensity diminishes, partners often discover a more enduring love. They can now move from absorption in each other to a relationship that includes external goals and projects, friends, and family. In this kind of intimate, more secure love, satisfaction comes not just from the relationship itself but also from achieving other creative goals, such as work or child rearing. The key to successful relationships is in transforming passion into an intimate love based on closeness, caring, and the promise of a shared future."

I guess I am strange, or damaged, or something, in that external goals and projects, and achieving other creative goals really doesn't do it for me. I don't feel like that is a good trade-off at all. Maybe I really don't love my wife or have a mature, enduring love. I do enjoy doing things with her, but I also really enjoy passion, affection, and physical things like that.

I guess I never really feel the promise of a shared future due to my insecure attachment style. I never feel secure that my wife wouldn't leave me even though she says it. She said it this afternoon when she was briefly home from work. She said that when she does pay me a compliment about my appearance (about once every few months or so) that I will know it is genuine. I am not sure I will believe that.

It feels like she is uncomfortable complimenting me on my appearance because she really doesn't believe it. I guess I don't know why else someone would be uncomfortable making compliments to their spouse whom they claim to love.

You are not wrong for wanting intimacy in your relationship. Some people need it more, some people need it less. Have you talked to your wife about setting aside possibly one evening out of the week for some together-time? I'm thinking that if it is done on a consistent basis and part of her weekly structure that she will warm up to it and you can get the intimacy that you desire. Perhaps, she is not good at being spontaneous with her showings of affection and needs advanced notice on when you would like it to happen.

I relate to that.

We have been having "date night" every saturday night for the past couple of months when our daughter is at gymnastics. We watch TV together every night for 45 minutes or so after our daughter has gone to bed. We have done some out of town trips and have another one planned for the end of the month when our daughter is at a Girl Scout campout. I bring her flowers once a week or so. I got her a card yesterday congratulating her on her raise at work. Instead of looking at it when she got home, she got on the computer to work on her on-line class. I see that she did look at it later but never said anything about it to me. I am trying like crazy to be a good husband to her, to do special things, stuff like that.

She will spontaneously kiss me at times, or hold my hand, things like that. I guess I don't know how common that stuff is and how it compares to other marriages. All I know is that my parents never did it, and I don't wish the have the kind of marriage they did one bit. Both therapists I see (and one sees my wife individually as well) and my AA sponsor say that we have a good marriage, that we are very compatible with each other, etc. My wife even says that. I guess I am just getting tired of the "issues" she has with affection, verbal complements, and the like. I never quite know what is going on anymore. I guess these things haven't changed a lot but I am more cognizant of them now.

I told her tonight that she has to understand that I was called ugly for much of my life and it is hard to still not believe it at times. She told me "that is something you are going to have to work out yourself". So much for being supportive. I know she doesn't like needy people, but I thought she might have a little more compassion for me.

We celebrate 16 years of marriage on Friday-whoopie.

I wish I could help you there, John.

But it looks like your wife is not really the complimenting type. She's more of an "action speaks louder than words" type. I would take the spontaneous kisses when they come.

You're right: she doesn't seem to like "needy" people.

Like I said before, she's comfortable for you like she's comfortable with an old shoe. She's just not the romantic type.

I think I'm looking for a certain amount of sameness, but not exact in everything. It allows for new ideas to flow between people and gives the relationship diversity and life.

I want to be able to fall asleep next to another person and have it feel like home, like I'm part of a family again. I miss that feeling, like I used to have when I was a kid sleeping next to my sisters or my parents if I had a bad dream.

This feeling is not a romantic one. It's something much stronger than that.

Maybe it's trust, or maybe it's comfort, I don't know. Lately, I have more romance than I know what to do with... but every relationship feels like nothing to me. I haven't had that feeling of "home" in a long time.

I wonder if I can ever find it again.

I am affectionate and passionate guy. I enjoy these compliments. I have lot of NT female friends because of this. But it also that I am learning about their perspectives.

World domination.

YES Together we could rule this middle earth!