Are male Aspies at an disadvantage?

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I didn't include the graph comparing US averages with Aspie Quiz NTs, but I've uploaded that too now: http://www.rdos.net/eng/rel-nt.pdf

From this graph, it appears that female NTs around 40 are more often in relationships than US females, which I suspect is because many of these are married to Aspies and have diagnosed children (or suspects they have these problems). For male NTs, there are lower rates of being in a relationship between 25 and 40. I suspect this might be because of lower status / income of these participants, many which came from 4chan.

You are of course also correct in that participation is skewed towards NDs. It's been a long term trend that NDs and NTs are about equally frequent participants, while it is known that NDs are 5-10 times less common in society at large. Though it is not true that the diagnosed group is enriched. Only about 1 in 10 NDs have a professional diagnosis. It's probably so that many of these diagnosed people suspect they are misdiagnosed too.

Absolutely, I don't think anyone can deny that a lack of genuine companionship and intimacy is one of the biggest frustrations men with autism face. There are massive communities of socially awkward men well in their 20s and 30s who have never experienced a real relationship despite many efforts. It is not just that we have to do the first step but it is also that there are hardly women that find typical traits related to autism like shyness or quirkiness attractive. For men that seems to be a bit more balanced where there is one half that adores shy women and another half that adores outspoken women. It is not something that you can change. Some men with autism have the luxury that their family or friends put them on dates or make matches for them, but for most of us we are completely alone in this regard. Then it's either waiting hope for the perfect match ( which is very unlikely ) or actively pursue your goal by changing your attitude and behaviour.

That is perhaps the hardest thing to accept. If you really want to open yourself up to more potential matches you have to change who you are. Not only the way you interact with others but also the way you spend your daily life. You have to go outside a lot more and seek more social avenues which can be frustrating and mentally agonizing. It is a daunting and frustrating task that requires a lot of effort, something that would come almost natural and cost only little energy for other men. Men that you are constantly competing with in social spaces.

It is one of the issues where no one can effectively help you, it is something that you have to figure out for yourself perhaps with the help of some sound advice. There are a few dating agencies for people with autism but they only offer little success stories due to the gender disparity. On the bright side us men have a lot more male spaces where you do not get judged for your behaviour, think all those nerdy clubs and events which are primarily male. Joining such a club or perhaps a sport can be a great way to improve your social interaction with others and might lead to new opportunities. If anything it can be a positive social experience.

Sure we are, by the numbers, that is but that's the human condition in a nutshell. What this thread is ignoring is that a lot of people build relationships a lot more gradually. Maybe it's a wild guess but I think it's a safer bet to be patient in general, either that means spotting more opportunities or getting along better with whoever you already know. The modern world is riddled with some pretty valid reasons for people to be reproachful and insular, so wait and see what they do.

Look at it this way - as long as you don't keep such a low profile that at least some people know you exist, you're ahead of the crowd aspie-wise...

we are but I don't want to believe it is hopeless

Then believe otherwise, it's factually correct anyways. If things were actually that bad, why would we have any use for this subforum?

This might answer your question (taken from aspergers a survival guide)




"Most women tend to be attracted to men who are fairly good looking, gentlemanly, able to read their signals on boundaries (see body language), polite, clean, honest, not trying too hard to impress, adaptable, positive, supportive, charismatic, fun to be with, having character in their voice, not too meek but not macho either and who show an interest in their feelings. It is rare to find a man with all these qualities together and most women do not expect perfection."


"Most men tend to be attracted to women who are good-looking, supportive and strong-minded but this may vary from one man to another."

Yet 85% of American men are or were married. To women, since gay marriage wasn't yet legal during the last census.

The survival guide was not written by people that had knowledge about neurodiverse relationships, but instead describes how NT women are. Thus, it's more or less useless unless you want to go after NT women.



That doesn't really apply outside of the NT world either.

Don't mean to be nasty but why are a lot of women so judgemental of aspie behaviour in men?

Is it because they get paranoid about being stalked or raped so they misinterpret aspie behaviour as threatening.

People in general are judgmental of aspie behaviour in both men and women. It's not just a women and men thing--men can get just as creeped out by female weirdos, trust me. You guys on here need to let go of the crazy extreme black-and-white thinking you have in regards to gender, it's damaging to yourselves and it effects the way you treat women, especially on this site. There are women aspies who want support here too and don't come here to read about how evil we all are because we are so different from men and wrong about everything. It's getting old, and it's pathetic.

Speaking for myself only, the sort of behavior that tends to spook me can be Aspie behavior... except NT guys do it too.

It's stuff like:
- sending too many messages (4 texts, 3 emails, 2 voicemails) in the course of a day, when I haven't even had a chance to respond to the first one because I was stuck in meetings at work, or on an afternoon hike with poor cell reception or my phone died.
- not taking no for an answer ("I had a lovely time but am not into [activity]", "what about a, b, c, or d. Anything you want!", "thanks for the offer but no", "what about x, y, or z", "no thank you. Please don't contact me again").
- googling way too much info about me and using the info way too early in the relationship. Looking up my work or home address if I haven't given it and sending flowers is stalkerish and scary. It communicates "I know where you live/work", not "you're great and I want to do something to show I like you". Ditto lingerie as a gift after date 3 when we've only ever kissed.
- telling me opinion on something is stupid and arguing if I won't change it in befitting fashion. There's a huge difference between "poison ivy just doesn't do it for me; Harley Quinn's by far my fave villain for x, y, z reasons" and "only an idiot would deem Poison Ivy the best villain ever. You're totally stupid for thinking that for these 5000 reasons". Not agreeing with me's fine, masked for fun conversations. Personal attacks not so much.

Given the frequency at which women are sexually assaulted, it isn't unreasonable that certain behaviors from brand new dates get interpreted as either threatening or deal breakers. It's not paranoia to want to be safe and to think it's scary for the guy to send flowers to the work address you never disclosed!

What makes you think this is typical only of aspie guys? In my experience, it is more common that aspie girls do these things.

Men are constantly told we are worthless and wrong or creepy on here. I tend to get more depressed coming here and my family is like that doesn't sound like a support site. Women here say men are evil too.

Don't act like its a one sided issue. If I had another place to talk to people and if I wouldn't miss a few people on this site I'd go elsewhere there's a lot of meanness directed at men on here too.

The black and white thinking is kind of what makes some guys interpret an adult woman who is gainfully employed that says "I'd prefer not to date an unemployed 30 yo who lives with their mom" as "I will only date millionaires who will wait on me hand and foot and anything short of perfection, well, too bad, so sad because women are evil golddiggers".

Also, someone asked if Aspie guys behavior was sometimes misinterpreted as threatening... and I provided some examples, noting that the "scary" behaviors were NOT limited to Aspies. NTs do the same things. Regularly!

I think most aspies, the ones trying if fit in if they can, tend to become a little more aware of the stupidity of most, and yes, NTs do VERY stupid things too. but here is the distinction. NTs have the confidence to make a fool of themselves while aspies, who have been told their have faulty wiring all their lives don't make those approaches for fear that their action might make their lives worse.

Dating is hard for any young adult male who isn't super hot. Being autistic makes it even harder.

If you're autistic, don't try to be dating the super hot preppy chicks. Try to go for women who are different, just like you.