Phemto wrote:
Outrider wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
I think people do mean it when they say it but they don't realize how hard it would be to stay friends after the break up or when someone isn't interested in you. I tried to stay friends with my first ex but I never wanted to see him as much because of gas and then I moved and things just faded online between us. I was willing to stay friends with my other ex but he ghosted on me so I moved on.
Imho: Well some people just seem to say it only to be polite and mean nothing more, especially young adults or teenagers.
Usually its done by passive-aggressive or avoidant people who can't be assertive with you and reject you properly.
This did happen to me - looking back I can now see she was 'creeped out' by my behavior even if I chose to continue being 'just friends' with her, it's just I couldn't pick up the subtle cues and body language that she felt uncomfortable by me the majority of the time. I was also ghosted as the way to be out of the picture.
But yeah, some people actually DO want to be friends with the other person, but I still think it will be confused with 'polite way to say go away'. And yeah, whether you want to genuinely be friends with this person or not, some time away from the rejector is necessary for the rejectee to emotionally heal.
I think if a person is making a sincere effort to be friends, they're never going to find themselves saying "lets still be friends." That's about as effective as "let's fall in love." It's an attempt to dictate the nature of the relationship rather than make the effort to actually shape it going forward. You can shape the relationship by your actions, not by framing it in a single sentence.
And big thanks to Outrider. "Ghosted" is my word of the day. I've experienced it dozens of time, but didn't know there was such a good word for it. I've used "Strung along," which is technically accurate, but it's not very specific to this situation and implies a more active attempt to mislead.
I agree. I'd rather keep most interpersonal relationships something purely natural and geniune, but I just don't always think this can be the case and in many scenarios it would be far more efficient to dictate the nature of a relationship. For ecxa,ple if you wanted to break-up with someone but remain friends with them, how else could you communicate this with your ex?
It also clears up any confusions.There is this girl that used to go to the same school as me that I had a crush on. I decided to tell her online about my crush and she confessed she used to have a crush on me as well. She said she was visiting soon and wants to hang out. We've been chatting online ever since. However, there was no clear discussion on what we both meant or wanted. It turns out we both mutually decided we only wanted to be friends due to too many similarities. Neither of us would have known that.
Anyway, I just realized I'm being contradictory/paradoxical, because the truth is I actually deeply value honest and outspoken people who can just be genuine. I am also very good at discussing things honestly and openly to the point it can scare off somme or make some uncomfortable, but others admire/value the fact I can be so open (for example that girl I contact online says she appreciates this trait in me, that not only did I confess my feelings but I culd also ask 'Where is this going?/what do you want?' so confidently).
It's hard to have both, really - to be open and honest without making things forced or unnatural, but it can be done: that girl icontacted online, I said "Honestly, I just want to get to know you better, hang out, and see where things go, because tbh even if I USE to have a crush on you I'm not entirely against the idea of future possibilities' before I changed my mind and realized she's right, we are just too similar and it even makes me uncomfortable with the idea of a relationship (and i usually like similar females).
29 Oct 2015, 12:44 am
