Affairs - has anybody had one??

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So the consensus is that affairs are naughty and we shouldn't do it?

I should hope so! When you enter a relationship you make an unspoken promise. Be true to yourselves and the other person - no excuses like 'it was an accident in the heat of the moment' or whatever - you're not children and you have control, as hard as it may get sometimes.

That's what I always thought. I never understood why people would want to have an affair anyway. If I wanted to be with someone else then why would I be with the other person in the first place? Everything confuses me though lol

People change, Sopho. Relationships become stale, repetitive, too familiar and boring. People want an 'upgrade' sometimes, as bad as that sounds. That, and the thrill of the whole cheating thing.

If I end up in a relationship they'll probably end up having an affair then. I'm the kind of person who will become repetitive and boring very fast
I don't think I'll ever understand people very well. If that happened to your relationship, wouldn't it be better just to end it? I understand if there are kids involved then they might see that as a reason not to, but then you'd think that they'd see that as a reason not to have an affair either, right?

It seems to me that people are neither inherently 100% monogamous or 0% monogamous, and that some are more comfortable with one or more lower-intensity relationships. But that doesn't necessarily mean cheating, a fair number of people do it very openly and honestly, and consider themselves to be "polyamorous." It seems to me that it is often higher in drama than I'd like, but I have a few acquaintences that seem to make it work.

Was that what you were thinking of? One or more less tightly-bonded relationships?

I don't think we'll ever understand why people do these kinds of things, especially being Aspies where we're all logical. But I would think that it would be the whole commitment to a person - it's not easy to leave someone that you've spent years with (for example). Maybe they think that they can have a quick affair and get it out of their system, then go back to their old relationship. Who knows? people really don't make sense to me sometimes - too emotional and out of control.

I believe that the majority of cheating would not occur if communication had been efficient. I have heard that communication is key in these things. If a partner cheats, it is usually because something is not satisfying them in the relationship...something is lacking, and the result of that and the inability to communicate the issue and try to resolve it, is falling in with someone who can provide what is lacking. Even when it is just for sex, it will usually be as a result of some stress or other the person has been unable to communicate to a partner. That is my thoughts on this. I believe in one for life, myself. I would hate to even have a light fling or a short relationship. I am awaiting someone who will be my partner for life.

I would never cheat, or date someone who has cheated in the past.

I broke up with my first girlfriend because of her infidelity.

Tim

YES and it is easier for me that way.

people love to get off-topic sometimes

I'm with you Sopho and when I run into them at work or outside of work, I just immediately distrust them and dislike them. I can't understand why they don't just do the respectful thing and walk away.

No way. I think it would completely destroy the relationship whether my spouse found out about it or not. If your marriage is screwed up enough that it doesn't matter to you that having an affair would destroy it, then it's time to get marriage counselling or get divorced.

Eclair, where was the rest of this? I don't see any of this in your original post. Did you post something on another thread maybe? Now I'm confused by what you have here. Are you already in a relationship? Are you saying you are not currently in a relationship and wondering about just having something casual and referring to that as an affair because it's casual? Are you saying you are thinking of something more casual and non-committed (if you are in fact not already in a committed relationship) because you feel you are not emotionally available?

If that's the case, I don't think we got that out of your original posting here.

Anyway, if that's what you're saying and you aren't already in a committed relationship, I would just say be upfront and make sure you use protection. Sorry. Just the same advise I'd give my younger brothers.

Sorry, I will clarify. The strongest feelings I have ever had for someone was a person that was married...I'm thinking that in some way, because I don't have this person in my face all the time being emotional with me it makes it easy for me to be involved with this person. (There are no children involved and yes, probably I initially thought that the marriage was breaking up - which is no excuse I know)

Every time I have lived with someone or really even dated someone, I just get over the whole being the centre of someone else's universe...I hate it. I have had men scream at me "you never tell me you love me" and I can't deal with it....

First of all, I don't know that I would give up if I were you. I used to hear how cold I was and if I even heard the L word, I was out of the relationship. I didn't feel that way, I couldn't understand it and so I left. Still, when I met my husband it clicked and I can't really explain to you why. He was just the right mix for me is all I can think of to describe it. He would not be anyone else's cup of tea probably. No one understands us that knows us in real life. We are both like extremely strong, exotic coffee that is rarely liked and even more rarely loved.

Having said that and having felt like you did, your answer isn't going to lie in that kind of relationship where you are just contributing to someone else's hurt. It also isn't going to guarantee that the guy won't say he loves you. You are better off getting into something casual with someone you like and respect and who likes and respects you. They don't need to be your best friend, but at least they will care enough to tell you the truth and be careful with your mind, soul and self. Those relationships exist and they are a much better and safer option to pursue.

That's my take on it. Give it some thought. Someone who lies to someone else to be with you does not have your best interests at heart either. That's not a good position to be in.

I'd have to get into a first relationship before I could even try for a second. I believe cheating is very wrong, although I have no experience in the matter.

I think this video is quite relevant to this topic. It's nine minutes long but you only really need to watch the first two minutes to get the point.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lB9wmzkWFeg[/youtube]