"You Just Haven't Met The Right Person Yet (But You Will)"

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Dont worry, when you get to my age, they don't say it anymore, or that other piece of garbage, "there's somebody for everybody".
The one I now get though is, "you are never too old", as If I am going to find somebody my age attractive.

You are right it is a platitude, but you're only 19. I'm 34. You're too young to give up yet. You'll still be young and attractive for years to come yet. Come back and complain when your hair stars going grey and your metabolism changes to the point where you have to start watching what you eat and your back starts to ache.

Ya I really hate, despise, loathe, detest, whenever people say this

Happened to me, so it might happen. I can understand if people that have not yet found somebody really wonderful will take offense being told this.

As for making it happen, I wouldn't focus too much on dating, as that is not likely to lead to meeting somebody truly amazing. Look in everyday life, join IRL groups / volunteer work or whatever is available at your location. And stop being desperate about it.

That's desperate. Why would you look for anybody that is interested in you? That might make that potential amazing match ignore you because you look and act desperate. I definitely ignore girls that will settle for anybody, and it's no wonder girls do the same with guys.

Honestly, what's so bad about your first relationship being 'the one' anyway?

I don't consider that a bad thing, I call that some pretty damn fricken amazing SUCCESS.

It took you ONE relationship to find 'the one'.

At least, until the divorce about 10-15 years later.

Either way, my mother and father were each other's first real relationship, though they ended around 2010. Lasted around 12-14 years.

My uncle and his fiancee were also each other's first relationship - he's 25 now and started dating her at just 14.

To the OP: That's SO much better than having to go trhough dozens to hundreds of incompatible and undesirable people to find the one you're truly looking for.

I've had two girlfriends, both didn't last very long. And I feel I'll still have to sort through more in the future.

I'll admit, with rising divorce rates and lowering marriage rates, perhaps love doesn't really last forever in modern society.

Though dating one person for 14 years, breaking up then dating a second person for 14 years is better than dating 14 people in just 2 years.

Nah, not really that desperate.
It's just that some people go on 100 dates and then say "Still haven't found the one. Life sucks sometimes" vs me who doesn't get any dates whatsoever.
So when someone implies that I'll find "the one" (lol) first try, that's just ridiculous. Not saying it can't happen but come on...

Nothing. The concept that you must date 100s of people before finding somebody good enough is crazy.



Absolutely



People that go on 100s of dates without finding anybody isn't going about it in a serious manner or have too high expectations of their dates.



It's not. All my crushes were dead-serious and mostly mutual. Any one of them could have resulted in a long-term relationship under favorable conditions. The early ones never did because we never got to the state of talking and planning to see each other outside of school. The first girl I met through a contact ad in my late 20s lead to my first (real) relationship. It could have lasted a long time if it wasn't for her mother.

I also want to point out there is definitely a middle point between 'date one person and find the one' and 'date hundreds of people to find the one'.

Some people do only have to sort through 3-4 relationships before they find the one and I'm optimistically hoping this may be me.

And Earthling: If it really seems so unlikely the first relationship you have will be the one, perhaps the 3rd or 4th will, once you develop relationship skills.

I would have no complaints if the first person I dated turned out to be the one for me. My point is that I have never had any romantic partners, and that's what I'm unhappy about. I'm not unhappy about not having found the person I want to marry yet. At 19, I think that would be unreasonable.

Next time someone tells you they want a cheeseburger, tell them they'll open up a McDonald's franchise one day. I'm sure they'll feel terribly reassured.

Well I'm sorry I interpreted it that way.

It seemed you and Earthling were just 'looking for experience in general', rather than 'the right person' when I believe they don't necessarily have to be two different concepts.

Also, the fact you've never had a relationship can still leave open the possibility that your first relationship will be long-lasting and fulfilling, something I've observed from people who waited patiently.

Those who want a relationship badly usually have short, unhealthy relationship, especially teenagers - a large number of short relationships isn't really worth it imho. Their views of relationships end up so distorted and unhealthy, some of the girls might end up with young pregnancies, some of the males cop the full-force wraith of angry dads, there's risk of STDs and such, so much pointless drama and conflict. Makes me wish I avoided having crushes or pursuing females entirely when I could have been living more productively.

I know it's very distressing sir to have never been in a relationship and have most certainly been there before.

But you're only a tiny bit older and haven't been out of high school for that long, and like I said in my humble opinion it's not worth it in high school.

Maybe your opinion will change once ypou do get your first relationships.

When I did, I realized dating in high school sucks andt the best age to even try for your first relationship would have to be senior year, because 1. At age 17/18 you're slightly more mature than a 13/14 year old, meaning if you date someone the same age the relationship is more likely to be meaningful and possibly remain strong after high school.

Most of my classmates who dated someone in senior year kept their relationships at the end of the year, two friends even becoming 'engaged' (though considering how young they are + the fact they were only together for less than 3 months even if they've been friends for 3 years, I don't take it seriously).

and 2. If you went all of high school not caring about relationships but doing other stuff, you aren't so desperate for one because you learned to survive without one.

That's just my view though. Most people should just hold-off until at least 17/18 for something that will not only 1. give you experience but 2. Last.

Now, I don't know how long it's been since you graduated high school, but I do know in the U.S. the graduation age is around 18, meaning you've only been out of high school for just 1 year or so. Not long at all.

You've got to remain positive and hopeful, both our lives have only just begun since graduation and there's still plenty more left to live.

I have seen in many of your posts you are depressed, etc. and poor self-esteem.

Well a lot of other's have suggested working on yourself first and I most definitely also recommend this advice.

I am a very ambitious person with a perfectionist mindset and this has only helped me as I got into shape, eat healthy, exercise, learned confidence and charisma, and while my negative posts in this forum are frequent I generally have a positive, hopeful view of the future and adulthood.

Relationships aren't even that great anyway. I do love them a lot, but they're a bit overrated. It's essentially a friend you can show affection to and of course there is the sex but you can get sex from other ways. I'll admit romance feels good but I feel extremely lonely and desire friendships and a relationship and when I'm in a relationship it does not fill the void that friendship does. I require both for a satisfied social life and in fact most people do.

Do you have many friends to hang out with, Grandinquisitor?

I've found having friends and no relationship actually brings me far more happiness than a relationship but no friends.

Anyway, I know I sound like one of those generic, stereotypical, overly-positive chipper annoying a-h•les but I'm not trying to be. This world is a fricken terrible place that'll chew us all up and spit us out. We will be stepped on, pushed around, fail, lose,. We'll deal with the a-h•les, the b•tches, dating especially is a cruel, pointless, meaningless, overly-competitive, aggressive, 'survival-of-the-ftittest' type game that stands in the way of pure, natural love.

But I will say. Keep your chin up. It gets better.

And maybe I got a little carried away, but like I've said I've seen a lot of your posts and even if you didn't ask for my help, I do say I sympathise. I'm trying to tell you - every negative aspect you've descried about your life was me at the start of 2014. Now I've made plenty of better friendships, developed confidence, charisma and a good body, had 2 girlfriends, improved my grades back at school, have motivation in life and direction (knowing what i want to do). I do still feel depression and anxiety badly a lot of the time, but I've changed my life in the last 2 years. You can as well.

Not worth it. Why waste all that effort on three rejects? I'd rather stay single than waste time on bogus relationships.

My not having had a relationship until now is far from being a choice. I've been interested in having a relationship ever since I was 12. I've just never been able to have one, which leads me to believe that there must be something defective about me.



As opposed to the views people adopt when they can't get relationships? I would infinitely prefer a misconception on what a relationship is meant to be to feeling like I'm simply not good enough for anyone. A distorted view of relationships is much better than a distorted view of oneself in my opinion.


Indeed.


In my humble opinion, having evidence to suggest someone can be interested in you romantically and having been in a few crappy relationships is better than feeling like no one could want you. Then again, I guess the grass is always greener.


I agree with you here. Once people have really started to formulate their identity, and adopt a clearer view on who they are as people, relationships make more sense. But I'm out of high school now and still having no luck.


I spent all of high school wishing I had a relationship, so surviving without one hasn't been a choice by any means.

And yeah, I know a few of my high school classmates who now have kids. As a matter of fact, my brother, who's a year younger than me, is engaged and has a baby on the way that's due in February. Whilst I don't envy the fact that he's going to have a kid, I can't help but feel ashamed that I'm going to be an uncle to my younger brother's son before I even get to go out on my first date. It's selfish, but I find that very hard to deal with. It just goes to show that my younger brother is vastly superior to me in the dating game, and wanting romantic fulfilment more than anything, I can't help but find this extremely depressing.


Maybe that's the more sensible way to approach it, but you can't help desiring it earlier if you do. You could choose just to not have relationships until such and such an age, but if you don't need to, why would you?


I'm Australian, but I did graduate at the end of 2014. I understand that you think people should hold off dating until 17/18, but it doesn't happen that way. The urges set in earlier, so many people partner earlier.

Yeah, I probably do have a fair bit more life to live, but going through life feeling inferior to everyone else on a plain where it's virtually impossible to impose change is difficult, and I'd be lying if I said these feelings didn't have a dramatic effect on my day-to-day life and how I interact with other people. If I knew the rest of my life was going to play out similarly to how it has up until now, I would see no point in living it.


I am. I've been back at the gym for about a month now, and I've hired a personal trainer. I still haven't changed my diet though. Not only am I a bit of a fussy eater, but I live with my mum, and she eats unhealthily, so I struggle not to indulge in the treats she's bought for herself, particularly when I'm feeling particularly down. Moreover, I don't know what kind of diet to look at pursuing. I lived off of 1000 calories in 2013 for 10 weeks, and I lost 20kg without even doing any exercise. But that's not a sustainable diet.


Relationships are overrated to an extent, but I'm not even sure a relationship is the main thing I'm after. I think I just need to be shown that people I'm interested in can have eyes for me romantically. Of course, a relationship would be the most effective way for this to occur.


I have a handful of friends and a bunch of acquaintances. I'm only about one or two people's first point-of-call when it comes to hanging out though.[/quote]


At this point, that's an incredibly bold statement to make. For all we know, I could find the love of my life this year, or reach 50 and still be a virgin. It doesn't always get better for everyone.


Change is exactly my intention this year. I'm going to be doing my best, but in all honesty, my optimism is limited. I have a couple of people who have generously offered to help me pick out new clothes and whatnot, so it'll be interesting to see how that goes. And I do appreciate your input by the way

I gave up over 40 years ago.

First, the girl would have to contend with my parents, meaning they would get extremely vicious with her (mom in particular. She would consider anyone who was boy-crazy or girl-crazy to be queer, and would attemp to beat it out of them, no matter what.)

Second, I was actually terrified of almost everyone. You didn't get your ass beat up like I did with the jocks, nor did you get groped like I did with the girls.

Third, I came from the wrong side of the railroad tracks. Need I say more?

The only consolation I ever had was junk food, which is why I'm so fat even to this day, and why I no longer give a damn.

It's very realistic though to have just a few failed relationships before finding the right one.

If it's really not worth it for you, then I hope your first relationship turns out to be 'the one'.

Otherwise it's a fairly low chance of happening and to me a sign of massive success.

"My not having had a relationship until now is far from being a choice. I've been interested in having a relationship ever since I was 12. I've just never been able to have one, which leads me to believe that there must be something defective about me"

I've wanted them since the same age, and in the 10th grade was so unhealthily obsessed with the opposite sex, no shame.

But once I got my first two brief relationships I realized in the long run no matter how early you get the urges, it's not worth pursuing as a teen.

"As opposed to the views people adopt when they can't get relationships? I would infinitely prefer a misconception on what a relationship is meant to be to feeling like I'm simply not good enough for anyone. A distorted view of relationships is much better than a distorted view of oneself in my opinion."

A better way of saying what I said before is that being single is better than being in a bad relationship, and those popular dudes and gals in high school who got all the girls usually went through a high number of bad ones.

I realize now that having like 3 relationships a year in high school isn't a sign of success, good social skills, etc. it's a sign of bad relationships, lack of healthy relationships, desperation, co-dependence, etc.

"In my humble opinion, having evidence to suggest someone can be interested in you romantically and having been in a few crappy relationships is better than feeling like no one could want you. Then again, I guess the grass is always greener."

And like I said earlier, the evidence isn't as valuable as one might think. In both of my relationships the girl initiated the break-up and they were both very short.

The first one kept questioning if she was even attracted to me so I can't even say for sure if she was. The second girl never actually expressed an attraction at all but we hugged, kissed, etc. she broke up with me because she 'wasn't ready for a relationship' and decided she only wants to be friends because she doesn't know me well enough but who knows it could have been an excuse that she just wasn't attracted to me.

My evidence is sketchy at best. Even if I date a girl for a year and she dumps me, again, who knows just how long she had wanted to dump me for but couldn't actually do it? She could have lost interest after 6 months but delayed it.

I will say though plenty of females have been attracted to me in public and at least five girls have had crushes on me. Something you haven't been as lucky to experience I guess.

"I agree with you here. Once people have really started to formulate their identity, and adopt a clearer view on who they are as people, relationships make more sense. But I'm out of high school now and still having no luck."

But has it really been that long to decide things seem as bleak as many of your posts imply?

"I spent all of high school wishing I had a relationship, so surviving without one hasn't been a choice by any means."

It took me until 11th grade to be somewhat satisfied without one and to not give a sh*t what people think (I was very inappropriate in 11th grade). But at least I did stop caring.


"I am. I've been back at the gym for about a month now, and I've hired a personal trainer. I still haven't changed my diet though. Not only am I a bit of a fussy eater, but I live with my mum, and she eats unhealthily, so I struggle not to indulge in the treats she's bought for herself, particularly when I'm feeling particularly down. Moreover, I don't know what kind of diet to look at pursuing. I lived off of 1000 calories in 2013 for 10 weeks, and I lost 20kg without even doing any exercise. But that's not a sustainable diet."

I was also off to a rough start. I didn't change diet and overexercised cardio wise but not muscle wise. I lost both muscle and fat. I then started bulking to gain muscle but it was a 'dirty bulk' (too much unhealthy foods) which meant I gained more fat than muscle. I had one last cut, and since August have been on a slow bulk. I eat healthier than ever, I'm leaner than ever, etc. Since the new year I've become a bit more laidback and casual about it as I'm much closer to my goal. Also, I would 'burnout' and lost motivation a lot and I now only workout casually to prevent that. What's your goal? Muscle gain, fat loss, or both? The great thing is, as a beginner, you can actually lose fat and build muscle simultaeously. If your personal trainer is any good they'd tell you how.

"Relationships are overrated to an extent, but I'm not even sure a relationship is the main thing I'm after. I think I just need to be shown that people I'm interested in can have eyes for me romantically. Of course, a relationship would be the most effective way for this to occur."

Yeah, my self-esteem was low and I felt undesirable as well. But I do know improving my personality to make more friends along with appearance and hygiene made me feel confident and atteractive, even before it got me more attention from the opposite sex. It does get me more attention NOW, and I think actually developing confidence first supplemented my self-improvement.

"At this point, that's an incredibly bold statement to make. For all we know, I could find the love of my life this year, or reach 50 and still be a virgin. It doesn't always get better for everyone."

At this point, you're young enough to have potential to not be a 50 year old virgin. For the 50 year old virgin, it's a bit late.

"Change is exactly my intention this year. I'm going to be doing my best, but in all honesty, my optimism is limited. I have a couple of people who have generously offered to help me pick out new clothes and whatnot, so it'll be interesting to see how that goes. And I do appreciate your input by the way"

On the right track. Regarding friendships, you're actually doing better than me. Most friends from high school want nothing to do with me, even after I reached out to them. Bunch of traitors they are, because even the genuinely good ones that promised to remain contact with me are ignoring me.

I have a best friend and two very good friends, but they live in different cities (used to live in the same place as them). We still meet up from time to time, though nowhere near enough.

Otherwise I have no one to hang out with in my own city.

By the way, now that you mention it I remember you said you're in the Brisbane area, didn't you? As a matter of fact I'm moving just 1hr north of Brisbane with my family sometime soon in the future. I also know the user Ecomatt says he was in Brisbane. I was thinking for a while now of arranging a Brisbane meet-up of WP members. How about it?

1. How do you know what you want in a relationship til you've had a couple?
2. How do you know what you've got in a relationship is "enough" if you've got nothing to compare it to?

It takes me a while to figure this sort of stuff out. Plus dating is fun.