Commitmentphobia

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You're approach to dating clearly isn't working for you. For months, years, actually, you keep having the same issues over and over again with the filipinas girls you meet online who lie to you.

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the very definition of insanity.

Then why is it you do the same thing over and over again? Does that mean you're insane too?

Ok so I've been dating Girl number 2 for a while now. She's nice. I cut ties with the other girls. But recently I got contacted by someone very unexpected. Girl number 0. The first Philippine girl. I asked her why she had dumped me and at last she told me. It was because I asked her for a nude selfie. For months prior I'd thought that was the one thing I wouldn't do. Then I did it.

So I'm happy with this new local girl? It should be fine. But I still have thoughts about that Philipine girl, the first one. She was so beautiful. She literally looked like a supermodel. She actually won a beauty pageant. And she maintained her weight at a slender 42 KG.

I shouldn't think about her beautiful she was or how thin she was or how Asian she was. I should be happy with my buxom white girlfriend. I feel like I'm betraying her by regretting that one mistake that cost me the beauty queen. The new girl is not so religious and nowhere near inhibited about sex.

But she has another trigger. She's sensitive about her weight. The slender Filipina was quite happy to talk about it and quite happy to stay thin for me. The Aussie girl? She talked about her weight a lot, so I thought she didn't mind me talking about it. She did. She cried.

I feel terrible for making her cry. It's just that she's had a gastric valve for six years and yet she's gained weight in that time. All the way up to 92 KG. When she stayed over for the weekend she said on the way home she'd get a McDonalds thickshake. She craves sugar. She says she's addicted to sugar.

That sort of thing cancels out the benefit of the gastric band. That and the way she drinks while eating to soften the food and so fit more in. That goes against doctor's orders.

I can learn to live with her being overweight. But if 1st Filipina's trigger was sex then maybe Aussie GF's trigger is her weight. I may one day say the thing that tips her over the edge. The first time, she forgave me. Maybe that alone makes her a keeper.

Oh Retrogamer, you old dog.

You're at it again!

Your antics I've read of you in this forum could be made into a SITCOM!

But, I''m sorry, in all seriouness, I don't mean to dismiss the problems and issues you are going through right now.

So, it is clear your girlfriend doesn't care about staying a healthy weight as much as she claims. I don't mean to offend you when I say that, I just mean to say if her eating and dieting habits are against doctor's orders, clearly she's doing something wrong, irregardless of the fact that she has a medical condition.

I can relate in that my nan has type II diabetes, yet is extremely obese and doesn't care about how much or how little sugar she eats.

Obviously, don't bring up her weight around her. But it's okay in my opinion to silently disagree with the idea that she's not eating properly, if you believe this.

My two previous girlfriends ate pretty unhealthy, niether of them overweight, but I didn't care so I didn't bring it up. And if they ever claimed they do eat healthy/fine, I wouldn't deny it on the outside.

In short: Pick your battles, exert self-control, if you don't mind her weight/eating habits, deal with it (IF you don't mind). Erm...not sure how to help you on the Filipino woman there...

@RetroGamer87 Congratulations on being in what seems to be an enjoyable relationship in meatspace with a woman who apparently shares a great many of your interests.

I'm a bit curious, you gave her weight but not her height, which would make the difference between her merely being plus-sized vs. frankly fat.

Glad to hear she's not inhibited about sex. This early in a relationship, I think it's normal and healthy to focus on that aspect. Also it's a good time to start reminding yourself how much you'd miss it if deprived due to having dumped her.

So whatever problems she is having regarding weight, it's clear it has been very difficult for her and for now I strongly advise avoiding the topic when with her. To gain any traction on that topic, you will have to gain her full trust, which could take a while.

I wish there was a way for you to forget about these Filipinas. Perhaps hypnotism or aversion therapy would help.

Her height is 164 CM

Ok now here's where things go crazy. She's nice. I can't really fault her. I think the fault lies with me. When I walk around the shops, in the city, at the beach, etc, I go mad with envy when I see young women who are thin or young couples who are thin.

It makes me obsess over GF's weight problems and think me being with a fat girl is a sign that I'm not good enough for that I've failed. I keep imagining that if people see me with her they'll think I failed. I keep imagining that my family will think I only went with her because I was desperate and couldn't find anyone better.

I think the same way about her crow's feet and her height (I like tall girls). It's probably all exaggeration in my mind. I see those thin young couples and the guy is also thinner than me. Maybe that's why thin girl is with him. Or maybe he's just richer than me. If I hadn't been so lazy and gotten bad grades in school than maybe I'd now be getting more than a paltry $55,000 per year. Some guys must be getting much more than that or else who'd buy those big houses in posh suburbs?

Ok so I expect my thinking is flawed but I've written it in the paragraphs above to give an insight into my (flawed) thought process. Just because I know it's flawed that doesn't mean I can instantly switch to the correct thought process (whatever that is).

I think it's a problem of depression. GF recommends I go on antidepressants. I'd gladly try them but getting a prescription for those isn't always easy.

GF focuses on her flaws a lot too but usually different flaws than the ones I'm focusing on (e.g. she's very conscious about her self-harm scars or her various surgical scars which I barely notice).

I want to reply, but I don't think it will do any good. The comments below sum up what I was going to say quite nicely. Also, it sounds like you haven't even met any of these people yet, so you really can't make any decisions at this point - any amount of interest online is irrelevant, as it may go out the window the first time you meet someone. I've had one or two cases where I talked to someone for like a month with fairly long messages, and then after our first date I never heard from them again. There was another where we hardly spoke before meeting, and it led to a relationship. I always say with online dating that nothing matters whatsoever until date #4 - by that point, if you're still seeing each other, you both likely have a vested interest in making things work.

You both have issues about her weight. The cynic in me thinks that succesful couples have bonded over worse.

Really, though, I would suggest you could both do with some form of therapy to deal with your issues. Are either of you in such?