I Can't Grasp the Notion of Make-Up Sex

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I can't imagine in a million years, to comfort or be comforted by the person who just spent hours trying to psychologically destroy me. If I had a fight with my girlfriend, and she did that, the only thing on my mind would be getting her out of my life forever. Of course, if it the fight were actually my fault (not because my girlfriend wants it to be), I'd do whatever's needed to make amends. Even sex.

Maybe it is an NT thing. I can understand the necessity of a verbal apology, fully clothed. Followed by taking time separately to cool off. But make-up sex is just impossible to grasp.

Sex is non-verbal communication (though it can definitely get pretty vocal). I think the ability or inclination of a particular couple to have 'make-up sex' depends on what functions sex has for them.

Sex, for me, comes when there is nothing effective left to say. I know that words cannot convey everything, but still I like to give it my best shot, in both talking and listening.

After an argument, there's a lot to say. And I cannot rely on non-verbal communication to say it. Plus I really, really, really hate arguments. They leave me shook up and anxious, neither of which I find conducive to an erotic experience.

Thinking back, I've had make-up/still-sort-of-angry sex once in my life. It was an odd experience I would not want to repeat, at an unpleasant time to which I would not want to return.

Why would you have a relationship with someone who would spend hours trying to "psychologically destroy" you in a fight??? In healthy relationships, fights happen when some kind of conflict/issue comes up that requires discussion and resolution of some kind, so people argue and discuss until they find a resolution that works. If your partner is having fights with you just to destroy you psychologically, that person is horrible and you should leave them immediately. Even healthy relationships include fights (there are bound to be small conflicts here and there even between the most affable of people eventually), but no healthy relationship includes fights like that.

It could be that the concept of make-up sex makes no sense to you because your idea of the average fight in an average relationship (and therefore the average resolution) is very skewed towards the extremely negative and abusive.

"Fighting" in a relationship requires more social skills than I have now or ever will. You really have to think on your feet super-fast, and be able to come up with just the right comeback on the fly. Not to mention have it be quick and powerful, to make your opponent back down and surrender. And with my social skills (or lack thereof), the person surrendering will always be me. And I just can't imagine myself having sex with someone who just defeated me. Hence, no make-up sex.

Ok, first of all--if you're physically fighting with your partner then that is abuse and not a healthy relationship at all. Most couples have fights/arguments all the time that don't involve getting physical.

In my experience, when arguing with someone I'm in a romantic relationship with my goal is not to "come up with the right come-backs" or score points or whatever, my goal is to express whatever it is I'm upset about or having an issue with so that whatever it is can be resolved between me and the other person. If your goal going into an argument with a significant other is not to resolve conflict but rather to create more of it, then you shouldn't be in a relationship but rather in therapy to learn how to resolve conflict with people without having to physically fight or make it worse by "point-scoring" instead of discussing the issue at hand with the goal of fixing whatever it is, finding a compromise that works for both parties. It sounds like your social interactions have been really negative and toxic and that has coloured your perception about what relationships are normally like.

You also sound a little cynical and pessimistic about people. I can sympathise to a certain extent because I have had some negative experiences with others myself that has made me doubt the goodness in people sometimes, but clinging to that kind of cynicism is really unhealthy and not helpful. It can feel like a protective measure, like a kind of self-defence, but it's actually very self-limiting. Have you ever discussed any of these things with a therapist/counsellor? I have a feeling you might benefit from talking through some of these things with someone qualified and familiar with the autistic spectrum.

I'm not trying to judge you or anything and I don't mean to hurt your feelings by saying these things. I apologise if I've come across that way, I didn't intend to--I only want to help.

I do understand your intentions, and I appreciate it. But most therapists/counselors are pretty useless. All they do is repeat "I see..." and "How did that make you feel?" ad nauseam. A good programmer can write a computer script to do that, for no cost to me. Oh wait, it already exists: the Eliza bot. Other therapists aren't much better; they just suggest dumb crap like "relaxation exercises", meditation, deep breathing, music, etc. NOTHING practical whatsoever.

I practice a different therapy method: escort services. Costs only a little more than traditional therapy, but walking out feeling elated is priceless. Not to mention sex helps reach the target heart rate, boosts immunity, and raises oxytocin levels (which is supposed counter AS symptoms). As opposed to walking out crying in traditional therapy, followed by drinking copious amounts of vodka after getting home. Not healthy at all, if you ask me. But what do I know!

I learned a lot of useful coping skills and figured out a lot of important things about myself and my life through good therapy, and I know of many other people who is have benefited from competent counselling. It sounds like you were unlucky and only met crappy clinicians. Also, "relaxation exercises" like yoga or tai chi are in fact very practical--they are great for your physiological health as well as your mental health. They can decrease high blood pressure and reduce the production of stress hormones like cortisol, increase flexibility and mobility and balance, improve self-discipline, protect the muscles and skeletal structure with better posture. Yoga has helped me immensely in getting myself into better physical shape which has increased my overall sense of well-being day to day as well as my general health. It has helped me feel more in touch with my body, like I more completely inhabit my body than I used to when I didn't take very good care of myself. I think I am more flexible and have better balance now than I did when I was a teenager, and I am in better cardiovascular health than I've been in years.

I'm sorry you've had such poor luck finding good help, because it is out there and it really can make a huge difference in one's quality of life. It certainly has for me.