How can I be a supportive boyfriend?

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If you want an easy relationship - then no.

I would like to know if any Aspie men have read books about Aspie/NT relationships.

No. If you recommend one, I might read it. As I wrote before, I'm interested in the problems, but not in actually participating in NT games.

I don't want an easy relationship, but I do want a natural one. So, I've not opted-out NTs because it's complicated, but because I don't like their games. In fact, playing the ND games is far more complicated than dating an NT.

Regarding the OP. A couple of things might be going on.

1.) You have posted previously about what I would call an "obsession" (sorry if you don't think of it that way) with thin Asian women. If your GF is aware if it, then she may feel insecure and needs more than the usual amount of reassurance that you won't dump her as soon as a thin Asian woman shows genuine interest in you. Many women who are not traditionally "hot" have this problem and they end up breaking up with guys who actually want to stay with them. On the other hand, some "plus-size" women have learned they can get a guy panting with sexual desire just as easily as a super model, and don't worry about it. Such a situation might benefit from "couples counselling" if it's available. You might want to give serious thought to the possibility of marriage, even if you don't think you're ready. Think of it this way - you will either eventually marry her, or you will break up with her. Breaking up will be traumatic to say the least, if you're not planning to do it then you might as well propose. I'm serious, most guys are probably ready for marriage before they realize it.
2.) How many prior serious relationships has she been in? Is she comparing you to previous boyfriends (with whom she eventually broke up anyway)? If she doesn't have a lot of experience in that area, then she may be influenced by a preconceived notion of what a relationship is supposed to be like. Best to play along as best you can, you do seem to be trying.
3.) Most single NT women will discuss literally everything about a relationship with their friends. It's quite possible she says things to you that she hears from her friends, who may actually be jealous of her and want to see her break up with you for their own gratification.

There is a piece of advice called "fake it 'til you make it."

I have found there's a lot of behaviors I just need to memorize and execute because I know I should. I don't always "feel" when I'm supposed to do these things. If I waited around for this "feeling" to remind me to do such-and-such, it would never happen. Nevertheless, it is important for me to DO these things.

An example is greeting my husband when he comes in the door (or saying hello to people I see.) I am not *naturally* good at this. Does it mean that I don't care that my husband has come home or that I see a friend? No, not at all. But if I consistently do not greet someone, I am going to communicate that I don't care. So, I must DO it, almost automatically. Just because it is the right thing to do. Yes, I've had to memorize it. That doesn't make it insincere. That is just the method I have used to help make sure that my actions and attitudes toward my husband (and others) are matching up. The last thing you want is for your actions to NOT reflect how you really feel about someone.

Will I ever get the right "feeling" that will remind me to do these things? Maybe, maybe not. But I must "fake it 'til I make it." I act like I have the "feeling" even if it is not there.

I think my thirst sensor is broken (for real). I don't naturally *feel* thirsty until I am extremely dehydrated. So I must use external things to remind myself to drink water. This is the same idea.

Take notes on what your girlfriend is asking you to do. Make a plan on how to follow through. Tell her you have trouble remembering these things, but you really want to show how much you care about her in ways she will understand. Ask her to give you specific ideas. Ask her to be patient as you learn. Ask her to remind you.

Eventually, some things become automatic as you practice executing these things. Things like saying "good morning" or "how was your day?" are simple things. Or *always* asking "would you like me to go?" when she has a thing she needs to go to.

Even if comes out awkward sometimes, that is better than nothing. If she loves you, she will put up with awkward attempts and see them for what they are - a sincere effort to show love.

This is it. An Aspie woman gets it.

I hope your husband treats you well in return. You're a keeper.

Nevermind. Forget I said anything. When you have a mindset like that, no one or nothing can help you.

Doesn't apply to friendships or relationships. In those contexts, "give and take" is a better advice.



I'm sure wife notices when I come home (and the reverse), so we have no need for an explicit greeting procedure. If we have something specific to talk about, we will do that, otherwise, we just go to do whatever we wanted to do.

I'd even say I practice this at work too. For people I've known a long time, I will no longer do the greeting procedure other than under exceptional circumstances. They know this just means I don't want to waste time on it, and not that I'm rude. OTOH, with strangers and acquaintances, I always do it.



Sorry, but I'd rather break-up than have to learn a foreign ritual that has no meaning for me.



Yes, which means you no longer make any effort.

A while ago wife was listening to a program about relationships, and they handed out advice to say "I love you" or "I like you" all the time. She started practicing this with me, and after a while I learnt to mechanically answer "me too", at which point I more or less ignored the whole thing. Before I learnt that "coping mechanism", it only annoyed me. To me, talk has no meaning in that regard, rather you must SHOW with actions that you do. Thus, my "algorithm" interpreted it as "she is trying to sweet-talk me because she doesn't want to show it", which was why it annoyed me.

I think the moral of that story is that when two NDs are together, there is absolutely no sense in trying to follow these rules because they make no sense to either person, and only takes effort and is possibly even annoying.

It might interest you that more NDs than NTs appears to be willing to discuss potentially interesting partners with friends. It did surprise me, even if it probably shouldn't have. OTOH, it might be the reverse for already established relationships.

I have taken classes on neurotipical social rules, half the reason I am on this website is because of the videos and articles about social skills that are on here, and I am constantly observing and attempting to mimic neurotipical social behavior. I am definitely getting better over time, but improving my ability to interact with neurotipicals is an ongoing effort and my behavior today is after learning all that stuff and applying it to the best of my abilities. Even engaging in small talk requires me to access this learned information a lot to try to act normal (and it is just that, acting), and doing stuff like that takes a lot out of me.

That being said, I think it's fair to ask a neurotipical to do a bit of research about autism and put some effort into understanding us better.

Ummm...hello??? I'm married. I also happen to have friends. I happen to be giving advice that applies, at least some, to relationships and friendships.

Yes, give and take is important. My giving involves this part of "fake it 'til you make it." In other words, there are SOME behaviors that I must memorize and execute even if my "signal" that would remind me to do such things is broken. My husband gives by doing things that he knows helps me, like turning down the music and keep the sensory overload at bay.

There are many other examples.

Also, have we not been discussing AS/NT relationships on this thread? ND/ND doesn't really pertain.

Which is kind of like I wrote before. While NTs require a lot of "fake it 'til you make it" (as you put it), NTs seems to be doing nothing more than avoiding extreme stress and sensory overload. That's clearly not balanced. Avoiding stress and sensory overload is more on the level of not being abusive, so they are not really doing anything beyond not being outright abusive.

This. So much this.

Additionally, there are books upon books written explaining Asperger's and Autism Spectrum, written for NT's to help them understand us.

There are very few resources explaining NT's. What there is, is at the most basic level because it's written for kids and teens. It isn't all that helpful, either, as it seems to be geared toward telling us how we have to change and conform and pretend to like things that seem pointless to us and shut up about our own special interests and things we like and hide our true selves and act like something we're not and wear a mask to avoid making NT's uncomfortable with our freakiness and pretend we're normal as much as we possibly can.

There are resources upon resources describing the Neurodiverse to you and explaining what makes us different and unravelling our other-ness for you.
But the way NT's are is considered the standard, the norm, and only the Neurodiverse see any need to have it explained, because there's no perceived need to explain and codify what is considered normal. Most of what's written is written by NT's, so it does a less than complete job of filling in the gaps and gaping chasms of what's misunderstood.

Also, consider the simple numbers and statistics. If a small percentage of people are Neurodiverse, that means that you as an NT are likely to meet only a small percentage of people who are different from you in this way. For Aspies, it means that almost everyone we meet will be different from us, almost everyone we meet will see us as the strange and freaky one, and almost everyone we meet will be an incomprehensible puzzle to us that we have to struggle to figure out.

We have to struggle to figure out everyone we meet. As an NT, you can instinctively understand most of the people you meet, because they are also NT and their brains are wired the same way yours are, to automatically grasp the social structure and everyone's place in it. The Aspie is always the odd one out, always the one who has to "work at it" to have even a chance at knowing what we're supposed to do or say in any given situation.

It's not that we don't want to or think it's unfair that we should have to. It's that we get tired of having to strive and strain all the time at things that come naturally to everyone around us.

I agree with Angela on all this, and I'm an Aspie female.

I'm also dating an Aspie male and he rarely wants to make any accomodations yet expects them to be made for him all the time!! ! There is such an element to of irony to this. I'm dealing with the same struggles daily, and often worse in number, intensity, and all. Mutual friends have even notice how much I bend...but it can no longer be to the point to bend and break!! ! It is very frustrating and have noticed that this is not always the case with every single Aspie male, but it IS a very prevalent attitude. The awesome thing about saying this is, that most Aspie respect the truth more than a sugar-coating, so for the majority...I hope what I've said is taken to heart because it is real. It really does have to go both ways...with compromise.

If anyone CHOOSES to remain in the "your way or the highway" mentality....you will end up on the highway alone. Just saying. Take it as the truth from an Aspie lady who cannot lie and wants to help. Everyone has the potential to find love, but please know...it has to be a give and take to make it begin, and also to make it last.

It's even worse than that. What is known to NTs about NDs is things like sensory issues, failure to communicate like NTs and other problems. It is this information that is handed out to NTs in relationships with NDs, and it is no wonder NTs will not be able to help other than avoiding sensory overload and shutdowns. Our preferences are totally unknown to NTs, as they cannot be used to diagnose disabilities. Because we, just like NTs, have preferences for how we interact in relationships that are just as important to us as the "emotional" needs are for NTs.

You are right about so little being known about how NTs actually operate. That also means that every ND has to figure it out themselves, which is not at all efficient. In addition to that, it also means that the differences are not understood, so the ND variant of communication, social and relationships are basically unknown.