What is "chemistry" based on your experiences?

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In my experience, "chemistry" means you aren't enough like a parent, usually the father. I kept hearing that from what seemed like great matches until I learned they came from broken homes and it started to make sense. Guess who they had "chemistry" with? Abusive jerks! In my case, sad as it is to admit all my partners were like either my mother or my father even after I specifically set out not to let that happen. I had one date tell me flat out she wasn't interested because I was too much like her ex-husband. Obviously it was in appearance because I was NOTHING like what she described.

Guess what member of my Fiancee's family I am nearly identical to, both in personality and hobbies/interests??

GiantHockeyFan, I think you are probably better off that you didn't end up with a woman who dates abusive jerks. There is a condition called "Borderline Personality Disorder," more prevalent in women, which is highly correlated with a persistent attraction to abusers. This isn't the woman's fault - it usually comes from problems in childhood - but it carries baggage that may not mesh well with an ASD diagnosis, such as a lack of respect for boundaries. Sometimes when the other person opts out of the relationship they are doing you a favor.

I think you are right on about people wanting someone who reminds them of a parent in some way or other. I hadn't figured this out when I was dating, but I seem to have a lot in common with my father-in-law.

In my experience it's feeling an obvious connection, like you feel really comfortable being around them or like you've known them a long time even though you haven't.

Just to point out, there also is actual molecular chemistry involved as well. In the last 5-8 years, researchers have confirmed that so-called "pheromones" do exist and they are important in determining whether or not some people are physically attracted to someone. Turns out they are in our sweat & the receptors are separate from the 'regular' ones in the olfactory bulbs.

Socially, "chemistry" refers to someones fit. How well their neurosis fit yours, their strengths and weaknesses mesh with or compensate for yours, whether their sense of humor, sense of the macabre and the tragic fit yours, how their emotional needs and yours and what you both provide each other complement each other...basically it's compatibility. When it happens, there are no significant points of friction or discomfort. Not that friction itself is *always* a bad thing...

I think in all honesty if anyone knew the definitive answer to this question we could make an absolute fortune we are complex beings us humans . . . ..

And then after chemistry we could discuss whether "soulmates" truly exist . . . .

I felt chemistry with my 1st girlfriend. We really understood each other & connected with each other. It kinda felt like we could of been brother & sister in an alternate universe. I was never looking for chemistry when searching for a partner thou. I mostly just wanted someone who would try to make a relationship work with me & accept me & I have that with my current girlfriend. We may not have great chemistry but she's there for me, supports me, encourages me, & understands me better than most & that's what's important to me.