I'm back with my girlfriend

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I could dump her but then I'd have to rationalize that. I have to justify (to myself) any action or inaction.

I figure if it's going to fail it will fail on it's own merit. Maybe I could dump her before that, maybe, I could dump her tonight, maybe...

You are reading what I said far too literally. There are a large number of things that make my lady less than perfect (such as her inability to cook) but she is "perfect" in my eyes. That's the difference.


No, it's because you asked them through a computer. I don't need to catalogue what a waste of time online dating is in general, even though it did work for me in the end it was not worth it: I would have met her in another way if not online. Maybe THEY aren't good enough for you? I don't know but I do know online dating is a cesspool. I faced a ton of rejection and looking back, they did me a HUGE favour! Imagine if I married that crush I had who was $40,000 in debt?

The fact you are even ON this board discussing this should speak volumes.

I can believe that. I can believe that all the guys who are with optimal girls met them through some means other than online dating.

Now the question is, how can I do that? How can I get a date without a computer? How can any of us do that? One of the running themes on L&D is talk about online dating sites which suggests to me that a great many of us here rely on online dating, so the question remains, how do we get a date without using the computer?

You can do it the old-fashioned way.

You can go to lectures, or go to concerts, and speak to women.

But right now....you can't go seeking a woman...because you have a girlfriend now.

So, I know I'm only reading your side of the story...
but I felt like your side of the story was trying to sell the merits of her and the good of this relationship.

Yet, the details didn't seem to support the premise.
She broke up with you because she intended to try to get with someone better.
She was keeping you "on the shelf" by creating an impossible self-improvement list...
which she then threw out the window because she wanted some D.

But what happens if funeral guy, or any other male specimen she views as superior, gets her in a situation like that?

You seem to love at least the idea of her - and you seem to be devoted to her.

She doesn't seem to be either.

So, cuz you posted, that's what it sounded like to a random person on the internet.

But as a person who spent early adulthood getting suckered into relationships where I cared for - paid bills, cooked, everything - partners who treated me like s**t...

I know you won't leave until you have a reason to. Nobody in a relationship like that *can* leave a relationship like that without extreme circumstances... cuz if you, in your current point in life and spacetime, could leave the relationship just for your own good, you would have already.

You deserve better.
And the next thing she does that turns your stomach, remember that.
One day it will stick.

(And as for meeting girls - this truth goes both ways: you won't find a good one when you are consumed with the search. You'll meet girls attracted to your desperation. And you deserve one who's attracted to you.)

To retrogamer

I stopped using dating sites long ago. I had date that insisted we have a valentines date at my place the week i moved in. We have the rideau canal in my city and I can ice skate 7.2 km and back on it during the winter if i really wanted to. The date was supposed to be ice skating. She insisted on something else because the conditions weren't going to be good. Wanting a date inside at my place suggests she wanted sex. Not an ideal first date for me.

Oh yeah, and add to that the lady who told her mother where we were going for dinner and that her mother apparently showed up to that location (another first date that obviously didn't go to date 2), which also resulted in a dinner and movie inside her place. Those kind of dates turned me off the idea of online dating (eventually).

I ultimately started meeting people in meetup groups. There are alternatives to that.
Take your interests and look around for events surrounding your interests and go to those events. The less money you have to spend on it, the better off your are financially. Not going to say whether cheaper is better though. But relationships started out more naturally when i met people in person. I'm engaged to get married next year now.

Maybe not forever. If she dumps me again I my not have the motivation to win her back again. While she came back to me for sex I'd already done a lot of trying to get her back prior to that. Next time I might not see any point in putting in the effort and I will be single.

Maybe I'll dump her if I don't feel secure that this is a stable, enduring relationship. Maybe I won't because I find it hard to believe I could enter into a relationship again. It's very difficult for me. I can't just ask girls out.

Why can't you just ask girls out?

You can. The worst they can say is no.

The worst that can happen is I'll look like a creep.

That's the spirit.

"Sometime, when you least expect it, you'll realize someone loved you. And that means someone can love you again. And that will make you smile." - Homer [the Simpson, not the Greek]

But I don't want to look like a creep.

Being a big scary guy, I'm scared that I'll accidentally scare some waif girl and get into trouble. Of course they'll take her side. Nowadays the most dangerous people in the world are the most defenceless because they garner the most sympathy.

If there's a misunderstanding, people will fill in the gaps in their knowledge using the most cynical assumptions.

@RetroGamer87 you may be overthinking all this. Although some on this thread may not agree, I think you have a fundamentally healthy relationship because of the level of openness and communication, the shared interests, and the mutual lack of enthusiasm for having kids.

My advice is to just continue to maintain the relationship for now. I don't think you have anything to gain from choosing to be single. At least you will gain experience if nothing else, but I would hope for more than that.

I agree. This has been your best relationship yet and despite all the bumps you seem to end up with things actually sound bearable and perfectly fine.

What the others are trying to say is you have to accept her for how she is.

It's a bit hard to describe.

There's a difference between 'settling for less' and 'accepting imperfection'.

It's a very fine line but I'm sure you'll be capable of finding it one day, and figuring out which one you feel for her.

Truly if the only problem you have is her weight, it may not be so bad.

However, I can very much understand why you would find it to be a deal-breaker.

I care significantly about a partner who cares about their health somewhat decently as I am very fit and healthy myself and come from a very unfit and unhealthy family.

I essentially watch them kill themselves on a daily basis, along with my out-of-shape friends as well, so I could never watch the same thing in a partner.

Wow, what different motivations people have for being single or partnered.

I've pretty much been single forever, save for "dating" a girl for a couple weeks when I was like 18 or so. Otherwise it's been fwb's and hookups.. many hookups lol as is quite common for us gay guys.

Back in the day I wasn't out as gay, so that was a part of why I remained single. The biggest thing, that I admit to fully now, is that I knew I wasn't happy, healthy, and whole and didn't want to burden someone else with.. me. So, until I got myself under control & felt I could be a positive contribution to a relationship, there was no way I'd even consider it.

The last few years I've been a much happier better balanced person. I'm healthier/fitter, more productive, active, wealthier etc and in a position where I feel I can be a positive contribution to someone else' life vs. a hinderance. So now I'm ever more open to the idea of dating someone, when I meet the right guy & it's a mutual feeling. I've turned down many offers to date people I just wasn't that into as I'd rather remain single than enter into a relationship for the convenience of being in a relationship's sake.

I've never really cared what other people think of me being single, really - well, save for slightly during late teens/early 20's when I wasn't "out" and knew people wondered about my sexuality. But even then, I didn't care what people thought of me being single and I still don't now. If they ask, I'll simply tell them the truth: When I meet the right person, I won't be single anymore. Then maybe it'll last, maybe it won't, but I'm not about to date someone just to not be single - I'm me and I'm happy, healthy, and whole w/o any sort of codependence on a partner.

Just thought I'd throw that out there. Maybe you need to learn to not care so much what other people think of you or your relationship status in order to be a happier healthier more balanced you.

I haven't seen her in 9 days. She says she's tired or has social anxiety. It bothers me because never seeing her feels like being single (except that I can't date other girls).

I rarely see her on weekdays because my job is within normal office hours and her job is either very early morning or in the evening. She works every weekday evening. This really bothers me that I can't see her on weekdays. That was one of the reasons I wanted her to move in with me but considering she wanted to wait more than 3 months before we even got back together (since brought forwards to two and a half weeks ago) I feel like getting her to move in could take decades.

Maybe in some ways it's for the best. Some days I really like living by myself with quite and privacy. Other days I feel bored and lonely by myself in my apartment. Ironically she says it's just the type of apartment she'd want to live in. But she could live in it. I don't understand, she has everything she wants but she won't take it. This is just like before when she said she was really sad that no guy wants to be with her after I'd just told her I want to be with her.

I told her I thought the reason she was always tired could be her childish refusal to eat vegetables. She said she had a plan to make a veggie smoothie every morning for breakfast. I suggested she start the following morning. She said she couldn't because she didn't have the ingredients. Well then why not go and buy them?

It's like she's just making excuses. Like she'll never start. It seems so hypocritical of her because before she was telling me to stop eating takeaway and cook my own meals and then she tells me she hasn't cooked any of her meals in weeks and she's been living on petrol station chocolate danishes and Krispy Kreme. I think my prefered takeaway (Subway) is healthier than her preferred takeaway (Krispy Kreme).

One time I took her to Subway (before I found out she hates Subway) and she ordered a ham and chicken Sub with literally no vegetables. When we went to KFC she picked the vegetables out of her burger. We went to the Ikea restaurant several times and it when from meatballs with a slice of cake to meatballs with slices of several different types of cake to just all cake. Her lunch 100% desserts. It's like she's a drug addict but instead of narcotics it's sugar. She admits it herself but does nothing to break the addiction.

No wonder she's always tired. I care about her and that's why it hurts me to watch her slowly killing herself like this. And she seems to forget she has a gastric band. I remember when we were at Nando's she ordered so many side dishes and then she ate very little before saying she was full. I had to pay like 60 bucks for it. It was similar when we went to the Pancake Kitchen. On our first date she said she wanted to take turns paying. She forget about that pretty quick. She says I'm rich because I get paid more than her. She forgets I pay $1,300 per month in rent (she lives rent free with her mum) and that I'm paying of a large debt.

So I think in a way her tiredness could be self inflicted. Imagine how you'd feel if your diet was 100% donuts, cakes and chocolate. Pretty sick I'd imagine. This isn't even about her weight any more. Now I just want her to have enough energy to leave her house.

I guess have a seven hour day that's half before 9AM and half after 5PM would make it more difficult. It stretches out the length of her day. She says a part of it is her social anxiety. I can understand that social anxiety would make doing social activities exhausting. She was terrified the first time she met my family.

It's just difficult because I'm an outgoing aspie and she's an extremely introverted NT. I want to go out and do things and socialize but she doesn't want to do that with me.

I guess really it's the depression. Maybe that makes her tired. Maybe that makes her introverted. She told me I should start taking antidepressants but if they haven't helped her why would they help me?

She dumped me again. Not because I did anything bad but because she said she was too depressed to be in a relationship right now.

In a way I was kind of relieved because in the week or so before she dump me she was behaving very strangely. Now I know she acted like that due to depression and not due to selfishness. It was very hard being in a relationship with a girl who was not at all psychologically stable.

In the end she was living on a diet of 100% cakes. Even before she met me she told her psychiatrist that her self esteem would be better if she was thin so I believe her dessert diet was a form of self-harm. She used to cut herself, now this.

After a while I stopped worrying about how fat she was and instead focussed on how she never leaves her room and complains of a "lack of energy". I believe this lack of energy resulted from malnutrition from her terrible diet and complete lack of fruit, vegetables or vitamins.

I really wanted to see her and do stuff with her so her self-inflicted lack of energy was a problem. I felt like she was a bit selfish when she wanted to go out out with her friends or sit in her bedroom by herself and go for long periods of time without seeing me but I guess that was the depression.

Of course the catch-22 of depression is that it saps all your energy and motivation so that you don't actually have the initiative to seek treatment. I said she needed treatment for this illness. She said she was too tired to do anything about it. I experienced the same thing a few years ago so I know where she's coming from but she still needs to get treatment.

I also experienced something a bit like that as a teenager, I was miserable and didn't even know I was depressed and then I got bad grades. But according to Yahoo! Answers it's still my fault I got bad grades because when I first experienced depression I should have gotten it treated immediately.