When people just like attention

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Just to clarify this thread isn't about casual banter. It's about leading someone on when you know they have feelings for you.

This is a complicated issue that I really cannot get into, but I found it interesting that you made that connection because I've not always understood that link. This does have a lot to do with asexuality too (and not just for those that actively identify as asexuals). Because for most NDs that identify as asexual, asexuality is a dislike for regular sexual intercourse, not a general lack of sexual attraction. That's why they can enjoy flirting, which does have some sexual undertones, and also be asexual (not liking to have sexual intercourse other than for reproduction). Thus, at least for me, flirting does have a sexual dimension, but I have no desire whatsoever to indulge in sexual intercourse with somebody I flirt with, regardless if I have a romantic interest or not.

Still, if you don't want to be hurt by guys that flirt with you, it's much better if you assume it is like smalltalk, and that the guy doesn't want a relationship or sex just because he flirts with you. If you do that, you won't get unrealistic assumptions about what it means.

I agree that leading somebody on when you know they have feelings is bad. I really try to avoid that, but I failed with it once in my 30s, which is not something I'm happy about. I think this happens because flirting is partly innate, so I do it without making rational decisions about it.

I understand what you mean. I think of flirting as testing the waters — seeing if the other person is interested in any sort of romantic/sexual relationship. Once they've indicated they're not, it should stop.

The problem is some people interpret "not interested" to mean "try harder". What makes this particularly insidious is some people intend "not interested" to mean "try harder". I don't this is just an autistic thing; I think NTs get confused by this as well.

Or, possibly, they think of the flirting as friendly teasing — the sort of hazing or gentle button-pushing same sex friends sometimes engage in. It's hard to tell.

I think those are mostly NT variants.

The first, I cannot identify with because for me flirting is not connected with a desire for a relationship, and I won't stop because they are not interested. Which, I in fact, cannot decide either, because if they weren't interested they would not participate.

The second, I cannot identify with because there is no "try harder". Either a girl reciprocates, or she doesn't. There is no "try harder".

The third, I cannot identify with either because flirting is not only teasing. It can sometimes lead to something more serious, and participating in flirting is even a requirement for getting into something romantic. It's my way of avoiding rejections.

Yes, when you like someone generally you flirt with them to see if they will flirt back. If they don't flirt back they are not interested.

It is difficult to work out if it's just joking around like Platonic banter, or something more.

Problem is, if you show sexual interest in someone that basically implies you have a sexual interest in them. If they share that then your signals will make them think that you both basically have an interest in sex with each other at some point. Kinda basic stuff that.

I think the basic problem is the two variants of this that are very different. Because of that, you first need to figure out which variant it is (ND or NT), and then based on that, decide how to respond to it. As a guy, I don't have to worry about it, because even if an NT female mistakes it for typical flirting, I will never advance it with her by making contact, so nothing more will happen. It's different for girls where misinterpretations either can result in unwanted attention or missing a potential opportunity.

How should he have acted differently, ideally?
He seemed like a nice man, if he hadn't of flirted back with you it might have been uncharacteristic of him and that wouldn't be the person you were attracted to in the first place.

I agree. If it's someone who I haven't talked to for a very long time then it doesn't really bother me as much when they stop talking, but it hurts when we talk for a long time and open up emotionally.

Are you sexually active with this guy? Maybe he just wants the sex but no relationship. If you are sexually active with him you should cut him off.

The flirting was OK when I thought he was interested in me, but months have gone by and I feel like I'm just entertainment. Unfortunately I really like him now and I wish I didn't because this isn't going anywhere. I'm annoyed with myself for caring. Ideally he would have decided either way whether he likes me or not. If he likes me then ask me out, if not then no flirting anymore.

Wowiexist that's a personal question! The answer is no.

We can't help but care for or develop feelings for others. Only be annoyed with yourself if you ignore your feelings.

I think I may have had similar situations. Flirting with everyone and anyone is just sort of something some people do to express friendliness. I take everything at face value, and it's hard for me to tell when people are flirting for real or when (they think) they're just being nice. So unless they verbally express an interest I try not to assume anything, but to be on the safe side, if I HAVE to talk to them, I give into the urge to revert to my natural state and be "stony" and "overly formal". I'm not playing or receptive to their game.

I have had relationships that were built solely on the attention I gave the other person. I have been on the other side and maintained a relationship for the sake of attention. The only solution I found to that is asking for commitment/being asked for commitment. If the other person is serious about you, they'll give it. If they're not, they generally won't. Dating is a trial period before the actual relationship. If you've hung out with someone long enough that you want a relationship with them and they can't give you a definitive answer in return, they probably aren't ever going to give you one. Know what you want, and if they can't give it to you, let them go.

Don't give more than you get. It's ok to be generous with your attention, but if your efforts aren't reciprocated meaningfully, it's a sign to leave.

Sorry if this sounded like venting/preaching. I guess this plucked a heart string :p

Yes, I know that's just some people being friendly and sociable. Normally I can work out who those people are. It's usually married men and it annoys me a bit, but doesn't affect me too much because I'm not interested. I don't flirt back because I'm not interested. Single men rarely flirt with me. I must be intimidating.

This current guy didn't used to talk to me much, we were just acquaintances with mutual friends, but something changed, I don't know what, and he became more flirtatious with me. It was that change that made me think maybe he liked me.

I wasn't that interested, but spending more time with him made me realise I actually like him as a person and enjoy talking to him. So I made more effort to talk to him an invite him along to things, but then I started freaking out. What if I'm being stupid and he's just flirting and it means nothing and i've developed feelings for him?

We aren't dating, I really wouldn't call it that. Just meeting up with friends every few weeks or so. Never anything on our own
Sometimes we organise it, sometimes our friends do. There's no consistency.

my boyfriend is like this. he lovessss attention and is a shameless flirt. I think it's cute and don't mind that he's like that but also I feel secure in our relationship so it's a different type of situation. he's just like a puppy tbh

I think married men can flirt more shamelessly because it doesn't mean so much to them, while if they are single, then it will get more serious. So the reason it's mostly married men that are flirting with you is because they don't take it seriously. It's just a game for them.



First, is he single? I suppose he must be, because otherwise you wouldn't mention it.
Second, is he ND or NT? If he is NT, it's quite likely nothing serious, as then he would take it further.
Third, is he shy? Again, if he isn't shy, then he should have taken it further.

If he is single, ND and shy, then I think he is interested in you, otherwise he is more likely just playing with you.