You think you click/connect but the other person doesn't

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Fell deeply in love with a nerd girl i had talked to over a dating site, i thought everything went ok on the date, but apparently she didn't think so. Heartbroken for over a week. It was the first time i dated over the internet, we could have been friends but i removed her from ICQ (yeah, long time ago) - and i think that was a good idea.

Moral of the story, i learned to pick up hints, i moved on and didn't look back. I still think of her sometimes, even though she decided to go back to her ex. Everything about her just felt so right, and i could see myself watering plants with her (she told me that she wanted to live in the countryside) - or as she said "have someone to fight with over who is going to the garbage bin when you are old".

I went on other dates in close by cities - but noone clicked, one offered to be friends with benefits, but she lived on the other side of the country, like a 3 hour train ride). I've had a woman obviously click with me that i met through an education, kept asking me out and even dragged me into a sex shop (She - and her friend(!) gave me clear hints of what they both wanted) but i wasn't interested since she had kids and an obnoxious ex that came by regularly, the other one i found out was a drug user.

I don't even bother dating today since it is seems almost impossible for me to find anyone to "click with". Love isn't for everyone.

Love isn't a big number game, and a single "click" is enough. Also, it can happen even if you don't bother with pursuing it, as long as you meet women regularly in some way.

I meet women regularly, but working for a government agency means meeting old women, married women or career women.

Then you need some hobby where you would meet younger, single women too.

You may remove the "maybe". Internet dating is not for me is what I found out after 10 years of trying. It's just too negative: it's consumerist, all these people looking for a fast result after a date, the shallow profiles and pretty pictures. And I felt like a mostly invisible product despite all my numerous efforts to change this. I quit internet dating half a year ago. I would like to say I learned so many things, spending so much time on it, but the truth is I didn't...you can hardly ever find out why you're ignored or rejected.

I've been moving on to positivity quite well the past 2 years. I visit (and organize) many local activities on an activity site, all kinds from deeper stuff to light fun. I can do small talk. I have these lighter contacts all the time. Even if it's not dating, it's more enjoyable and most people are at least politely nice.

What I do feel is enormous pressure when it comes to dating as in I feel I need to work very hard if I'm to yield any positive result at all. If I don't act differently, things will still stay the same too much in my life despite all these positive changes. I need to meet more women I really like and ask them out sooner than I'm comfortable with, just to be able to move on quicker. Hard considering this topic...and at the same time I feel resistance against adapting away from my true nature, being rather laid back and passive.

I see guys that feel even more pressure, more in their forties...they are less interested in activities without attractive women and are completely obsessed with dating. I'm not but...spend too much thought on it still. Partially because I see potential damage in a laid back attitude of "oh everything will be alright eventually" because it can make me way too passive. So I feel I have good reason to worry and try to channel the worrying into actions that help me.

I'm at peace with myself, I'm a cool guy. But I mostly hope to meet more attractive women who actually see that. I feel often, no matter how great you are, it's never enough. Even if you click, there's so many other guys that click too. And even if you look good, other guys look better. If you're smart, others are smarter and more social. If you're special and different, plenty of other guys are too...all this competition and you have to move so fast....the idea can make me crazy sometimes. I know I should relax but it's hard in a world like that.

A tall order, nerdy hobbies won't apply, neither will shooting pools or watching sports, the more outside the comfort zone the more likely there are any women AT ALL....so dancing lessons are your best bet.

Walking/hiking attracts enough women but not nearly enough attractive ones somehow. Arty and cultural stuff are not too bad though. Sports can be good too, with good benefits, but has less social possibilities since most folks just go home afterwards. I like variety and trying out a lot of things.

Look, overanaylsis serves nothing in this.

As a general rule, if you find yourself second guessing whether the girl likes or not, then chances that she doesn't and you're just having wishful ideas.

When a girl really likes you, chances that you will see it so clearly, you won't second guessing ....and no, I am not talking about the body signs only (which we might bad to read).

Of course. That's how I met wife 25 years ago. If you can learn to dance, this is the best way to meet lots of women.

Agreed.

I disagree. A single "click" is not always enough. There can be plenty of other guys she may have recently "clicked" with. This is where I can't feel how much we connect compared to other guys. I think we're good but for her it's nothing special since she has a rich social life and meets tons of cool guys to choose from, at a whim.

And if I meet lots of women but don't pursue, nothing happens usually I'll have to take initiative.

To wait for signs like that could be a mistake and deny yourself of possibilities you didn't believe in. The one way to be sure is to ask her "out" to have a drink or something. A lot of guys make the mistake of waiting, waiting until they get that sign. Same with kissing, so they get friendzoned because they wait too long. Patience can be good but dangerous too, somebody else might beat you at it or she may friendzone you.

You describe the ideal situation but since I'm not that good at reading her I'm not counting on crystal clarity when it comes to knowing if I'm liked really strongly. I suppose I will learn from more asking out. But I've been with women who were not so good at expressing their feelings and they kept their attraction for me well hidden for quite a while.

There are no clear rules and yes analysis will not help. I guess this makes it a domain so difficult for Aspies.

Well, I don't go for that type of girl. The girls I fancy don't meet a lot of guys and don't have a rich social life. They are NDs too. Also, I won't click with NTs as they are not compatible, and clicking requires being compatible.

Never happened to me, but then again that might be because I don't think I ever was interested in an NT. I certainly never was friendzoned, and as you can figure out by my posts, I could easily spend years in the courtship process, and I wouldn't do dating or asking out.

Hey guys, can I sneak in a woman's point of view? As an Aspie, I struggle to determine if a male is really interested as well, if he is not rather blunt and straight forward about asking me out, I will probably not catch it. On the other side of the coin though....Once, about two, years ago, I was really interested in a coworker. He seemed ( to me, hence the problem) to be very engaging when we spoke. I chased after him WAY too hard (found that out too late) turns out he is just a nice guy, not interested but didn't want to hurt my feelings. I explained that I need clear messages. We still speak, but it can be super frustrating for us,( women) too. I wish you future mating success. I still have not had any luck.

Dr M, I hear you bud. I am on the opposite side to you in that I can move too quickly and decisively whereas you can be too considered. End of the day I have figured out that I should always be myself but you can adjust your approach for others to make them more comfortable. As they should adjust to you a little. This is common courtesy to others as we are never just alike

On a slightly different tack, the rest of the (NT) world presents dating as if it were simple and fun. I think that even they find it difficult and frustrating, they just pretend it isn't.

IF I meet someone, which happens super rarely, there is the immediate set of issues: Is the person loud and outgoing? Relationship fail, most likely. Do they smoke? Darn, not gonna work. Are they significantly politically opposite me?

I view dating like trouble-shooting, in that some things are negotiable and can be flexible, some really cannot. The odds of just getting past level one diagnostic are daunting, then you have to figure out level two: do we actually enjoy each other's company and can we manage activities together? Argh.